You Look Like a Mum

Hair up in a zero-effort bun? Check. Spot explosion because you don't have time to sleep let alone do your 'skin routine'? Yes. Outfit that has a comfort level of a million but appeal level of minus one trilli-bazillion? Absolutely. I've said before it's liberating to feel good about yourself while simultaneously looking (and feeling to be fair) like you've just done the cha cha cha with a level 5 hurricane, but by the time it's starting to calm down as your baby matures, the excuses are harder to formulate.

So I may be getting my head round the baby stuff - ish - but I'm kind of equally becoming ok with looking rough. NOT COOL, VIV! This dawned on me when Joe commented on my appearance:

"You look like a real Mum today"

 Ah, great. I've cracked it was my immediate thought. But the expression on joes face resembled a tomato which was in the final stages of the sun-drying process. So it didn't take me long to figure out that this was not in any way a complimentary statement, more like a disgusted observation. Oops. In truth it shocked me more than I expected  because I had replaced my usual nest-looking bun for a side plait and I'd even put on make-up for the day! Admittedly not any eyeliner because by the time I had come to my eyes, Amelie had had enough of 'Maya and Yaya' the dialogue-free characters, and I quickly just put some mascara on. But still, quizzical (even though I knew he meant it in the most negative way possible) I opted to seek clarification of my lovely husband's observation.

"What do you mean?" I giggled but this was no laughing matter. My 'roughness' was becoming too noticeable now!

"Well that's just a really mum top, you're covered in milk and stuff."

Thanks Joe.

 It was actually the first time this week I had decided to wear one of my own tops and not his, but obviously being covered in milk ruined this effort on my part and completely counteracted my intention of making an effort.

So my question is this. What now? Should I be wasting loads of effort and time getting glam everyday when sometimes I don't even see anyone but the postman. (And if we're a little skint and I've curbed my online shopping habit, not even the postman for me) or walk around the supermarket in heels, probably teaching Amelie bad habits by the time I've sworn my head off at the agony and discomfort of pushing a trolley with completely ridiculous footwear? What do mums do aside from play with babies and go to baby groups? I recently went swimming wearing my 'public face' which is just a full face made up and then melted quicker than a snowman in the desert from the extreme heat of the summer house which housed the pool, only to resort to grabbing a baby wipe and getting rid of about 35 minutes worth of 'effort'. I'm a bit of a fan of lipstick but I'm also a fan of kissing my baby a million times per day so the two can't really coexist, and if I have to choose... sayonara lipstick, of course.

I long for the day where you look like a mum because you're covered in milk is something that makes me smile and not feel instantly awful about myself. Because sometimes I'm not the mum covered in milk. Sometimes, and more often than not I'm covered in way worse. So milk, it's a blessing.

A mum covered in milk is a mum that's been rushing around tidying up in the 10-15 minutes that the baby will tolerate being left to amuse herself. She tidies up so her husband comes home to a clean house, and so he doesn't have to help. She may have grasped a few of these window of opportunities where the baby doesn't require immediate stimulation and consequently she may have nearly finished tidying all of the house, but then notices the baby only has one clean bottle left and she's got no idea when she'll next get a spare second, so (even though the baby is clearly ratty by now) she opts to quickly wash and sterilise bottles as well. The mum has pushed her luck for time. Taken the biscuit so much that by the time the bottles are in the steriliser, the little one is screaming for a cuddle or a feed (if I'm lucky) but usually there's a massive shit in her nappy. So Mummy quickly makes up another bottle (probably the 5th one since waking, and it's only just past noon) and accidentally tipples of bit of milk powder down herself.  So a messy mum might not be the most attractive look but it is one desperately trying to stay in control - all so that the first thing she says when her husband walks in after a long day at work isn't "she's gunna be hungry,can you quickly hold the baby or wash the bottles?" but instead says "Hello, did you have a nice day?"

I may look like a Mum, but I think that that's just fine. For now.

What Makes an 'Exciting' Day for the New Mum?

These days I'm pretty content with sitting at home in my (or Joe's) oversized tshirts and a pair of shorts. A messy - and I mean resembling homeless-looking bun is my signature look, although this is mainly for comfort reasons due to post-pregnancy hair moulting. Comfort... The biggest factor in my life currently. It's a bitter sweet feeling as admittedly it is pretty liberating looking like shit but feeling great about yourself, but then I do really look awful 9/10 times. Pregnancy taught me that! Having said that, there are moments when it hits me and I quickly slap on half a pound of make up and, well, I 'neaten up' my messy bun because no amount of glam is worth constantly picking your moulting mane out of a baby's hands for fear they'll eat a hairbrush worth in less than 60 seconds! (It really is that bad) so I stick to my bun and love its practicality! Funniest time so far: Tania coming over, and before saying hi, saying "oh my god, are you okay? It hit me then that my 'au naturelle' appearance made me look ill/upset/unwell. Oops. #mumlife, I guess.

So when I realised just how excited by a day or two per week of making effort I was, it suddenly dawned on me just how much my life has changed! What other mundane scenarios in life do I enjoy now that my choices are limited (for now anyway) ?

Food shopping - but the ones where I go alone, not constantly talking to my child who has no idea whether we 'should get broccoli or bananas first'. Nevertheless, I persist in discussing our weekly food plans and shopping strategy with her in a desperate attempt to 'entertain' her - or avoid a scream-feast! So, on my own, food shopping is great. I can browse books, choose a bottle of wine based on flavours not just what might be on offer, I can actually think about what I need to buy and come home not thinking 'for fucks sake I've forgotten a load of stuff yet again!' These menial tasks genuinely used to feel like a chore, but for some reason they're a huge part of my relaxation time now! My usual hobbies are just not great fun. I recently went running, instead of worrying about my pace as I usually do, I found myself worrying about Amelie's head bopping around and her comfort levels, or 'annoying bumps' in the road, or what would happen if I burst a tyre on the buggy. None of that is enjoyable!

Yet another thing the childless version of me used to enjoy were long sunny days out. Be it drinking a few on the beach or in a pub garden, or going for super long bike rides or walks - I loved being outdoors in the sunshine. Nowadays, I'm found grumbling at the sun and consider clouds my best friends, all because the sun is not advisable with young babies. That, and she won't keep her sun hat on for peanuts!

I'm not sure if my new found love of having a day at home stems from post-baby thinking or the fact we now have our own house, but I have zero problems with staying indoors and having no plans! If we fancy lazing under a blankie all morning then why the hell cant we? If we just go for a chill in the garden and not a walk, who cares? I'm so fortunate to be able to spend all day everyday of the week with my daughter that we have all the time to make plans, sometimes it's fun just pulling silly faces or making bizarre noises at each other. Before I know it, we've spent the best hour  or two laughing at each other and thoroughly enjoying every second.

Deliveries are another thing. These tedious time-wasters were to my pre-mum self a serious burden! It was always the same, I'd order something, sack off the idea of sitting at home all day waiting for a possible delivery between 9-6 (seriously who has that much free time, might as well go to a shop and buy it in the first place) and so id miss the delivery and have to go to the holding office anyway. Nowadays, I might even hope I miss a delivery so I'd have something I needed to do. However, parcels now provide me an opportunity to engage in adult conversation, with the post man - who I've got to know and is a pretty quirky kind of nice guy!

I guess it goes hand-in-hand then that I love eBay. My eBay addiction started when I discovered that 28 baby vests could be purchased for £1.50! I thought I was in for a bidding war and found myself the [very proud] high bidder of so many items for a gob smacking low price. Bidding is great fun but so is selling. eBay, thank you.

Sometimes when I have a spare second, I stop and think about these rubbish things I now find fun and I wonder why. Then I wonder how long it'll take for these considerably crappy things to become dull again. Oh, motherhood...

FAQ to my baby

Being a first time mum means there are times (more often than not) where I have absolutely no idea about a given situation. Here are just a few I regularly find myself asking my newborn - ok, nearly 4-month old, but she's still wearing newborn nappies so she's still my 'newborn'.

Me: Why are you crying?
Amelie:

"Ok I'll randomly stop for a minute then and blow bubbles"

             


Me: Why won't you stop crying !! Are you overtired?
Amelie:

"I am tired, but I had this beast bogey stuck up my nose and I had to wait until I sneezed it out !

Me: (lovingly with a smile) What?
Amelie:

"Check my nappy and you'll know exactly what."

Me: Are you happy?
Amelie:

"I'm a bit happy. But I'm beginning to lose my happiness, because I'm hungry. Feed me."

Me: Shall we have a nap then?
Amelie:

"But I'm so tired I'm too tired and it makes me so angry. And I can't sleep."

Me: What now? Are you hungry?
Amelie:

"You bet I am! Even though you only just fed me!!"

Me: how can you need your nappy changed again
Amelie:

"This one is extra full! And stinky!"

My 10 Most Shameful Moments So Far

So I thought I'd write a quick post about all the times where I haven't quite been 'mumming' it for the win. Here is a list of things that (shouldn't, but definitely have) made me laugh this far:

1. After a recent poo explosion, I hastily tugged at the poppers on the incredibly soiled baby vest - this led to a sizeable chunk of poo being accidentally flung onto my baby's lip! Not sure how I'm going to explain to her that her first 'solid' was... Poo!

2. Motherhood is exhausting! So, I fell asleep. Only, I woke up dribbling on the baby's head! Oops.

3. Happily showing off my baby in the supermarket (old people love babies) only to notice she had a GIANT bogey on her cheek.

4. In effort to soothe the wailing of an ever-hungry baby, I unknowingly unscrewed the entire bottle lid while I was trying to take the bottle cap off, so ended up sloshing her in the face with a gush of milk. Poor baby!

5. Out for coffee with Joe and I changed a nappy. As we were walking to the car, she did another poo. Rather than take the million layers of clothes off her (it was March and freezing) we ran back to the car and drove home to change our pooey baby in comfort - a 10 minute journey.

5. Soiled herself multiple times in the night, each time needing a complete change of outfit. Noticed the night after that she was wearing 'the odd looking vest' backwards for the day!

6. First time she fell asleep in her bouncer in the evening - we kept her in it for her first stretch of sleep for 2/3 hours. (These were the days where a WHOLE hour of sleep was a luxury.

7. I sat on the loo, with baby in hand to avoid the chance of her having a meltdown because she'd been put down.

8. Poo explosion all over first outfit ? Check. Poo explosion all over spare outfit? Check. So I sacrificed my strap top to fashion (an incredibly unfashionable) dress for the baby, and drove home, 20 miles in a bra. Lucky it was 24 degrees!

9. Obsessing with my baby's perfect feet and playing kisses, only to realise she had dipped her heel in her nappy clearly, which I had missed until I felt poo on my chin. I've forgiven her now.

10. Preparing for a nice lunchtime meal out, sitting out in the sunshine, go in to order and notice the baby is rolling in the buggy so shout to Joe, who's sitting (or was) next to her: "Joe grab our fucking kid!!" Hahaha, this is probably my favourite and most shameful one, but she was fine of course - she had probably made it 6 inches before she was rescued!

These still make me chuckle, hopefully social services can see the funny side and let me off these accidental mum fails! I'm still learning!

I love the messages I receive in response to my blog posts! If anyone else has any shameless (shameful) mum fails id love to hear them!

Competitive Comparisons: Get Out, please - thanks.

"How's it going?" The question we ask that we both do and don't want to know the answer to. I want to know if your baby is sleeping through the night, but I'll hate you a little if your answer is 'yes'. My kid had a meltdown in a baby class recently, no-one else's did, so is my baby worse than yours ? How much are they eating and how often? Are they on track with their weight? Talking of weight, what about your weight? Have you lost the pregnancy weight yet? This hurts me the most. Because I'm naturally small and petite, I never claimed I turned into a beach whale - but just like everyone else who carries a little being inside them - I gained and look totally different. But because I'm 'small' I definitely feel like I don't have as much right to be upset and boy do people tell me it. I wanna be allowed to mourn my pre-preg body too!! (*cries shamefully*)

I guess what has become strikingly obvious to me is the constant comparisons being made between ourselves and others in a similar situation. It's reassurance with a blade, if you will. You only ask because you want to make sure everything is ok with your own situation, but if it's not, so what? If my baby isn't gaining weight (which she isn't) consistently then what shall I do? Force feed her? Of course not! Maybe I should just try being logical and recognise that I myself am a pretty small being and probably can't biologically manufacture something that is 'large'. She's meeting and in cases exceeding all milestones, so is obviously developing well! Note to self: chill out, she's beautiful.

The sleeping - oh my LORD. Women can be vicious. First of all, define 'sleeping through' because if your kid sleeps from 11-5, well that's firstly not the healthiest amount of sleep for a newborn and my god, no that's just not restful for you either. But it's all in a bid to claim the medal that hints slightly that you've had a glimpse of your old life before baby. But my question is why would anyone yearn for that? That's yet another comparison we make and perhaps the most taunting of all. Comparing life now to life before. Presumably (even with surprise babies) a conscious decision was made to have or at least keep the baby - so that's a decision equally made to accept change and stop wishing for a pre-baby life. It might be hard at times but the testing times well outweigh the good, and let's face it, you can't have a beach bod without the gruelling workouts and fitness - and having a baby is pretty similar. (Although, admittedly I think if I was working towards a beach bod I probably would fantasise about the times i could just swing by McDonalds whenever it took my fancy, so in that sense maybe this was a pretty crappy analogy) The underlying message is don't compare your life - it never will be like it was before. Never as easy, but never as full of love and excitement either. That's true.

I just want to spare a thought for the amazing mummies that I am fortunate enough to be able to engage in 'let's compare babies' conversations with that are helpful. Let's compare and have a nice chat about a particular stage is very different to 'hey, bitch my kid is better than yours' this is one of the reasons I chose not to go to NCT classes. I'm sure they're beneficial but I'm just not into that. That, and luckily for us a large majority of our closest friends were having babies all over the place, so I really didn't feel like I was alone or needing to make new mummy friends. The ones I have are great! I am fortunate enough that I had our baby last and can go to any of the lovely mummies for advice and they are the kind of advice givers that make you feel good about yourself and reassure you that you're doing good! I have however met a couple of mums at various baby groups who are - well, not for me if I'm honest. They're a bit like nandos sauce - fiery with a sting! One conversation went like this:

    "Hey, how are you?"
    "Oh, how's Amelie sleeping?"

Are you fucking kidding me ? I wanna slag off husbands and moan about my fat gained or hair falling out, not start a my baby vs your baby war straight off! Amelie actually was sleeping like an angel and has been very good since around 3 weeks so I'm very lucky in that sense - but in effort to save face and not make her feel shit about herself (in case her situation was harder than mine) I replied with a very humble "yea it's ok" only to be slapped in the face with her trophy that is a my-baby-sleeps-through-the-night one. I instantly judged the competitive moron to be just that, and thus returned to her for conversation never again! Haha.

We have a preconception that babies have a universal way of being - but lose sight of the diverse nature of ourselves. It infuriates me so much when people ask questions for competitive reasons. It's like making a comparison about hair growth with your black mummy friend and complaining that your white kid's afro isn't growing as well as her child's - yea, ridiculous and illogical.

Babies are not hard-wired to be a particular way, they develop at their own pace and it took me a long time to realise that! I was one of the mummies not competing but definitely comparing, for reassurance that my baby was ok, and I still am if I'm honest, but I don't have a meltdown if my case is not the same. It's nice having chats with other mummies about baby stuff, it's relaxing and reassuring and I definitely feel there is a real bond between mothers even if you don't really know each other - it's like a club that you're all members of; a course we all took and passed! So it's lovely engaging in any kind of talk with them! Not the competitive mums though - I think I'll leave those well alone!

Single or Together, is it ever easy?

It's 7:15 am I've just got Amelie back to sleep after having been awake for two hours, and I finally drift off. I'm conscious of some creaky floorboards along with other housey-noises, but drift back into my nice relaxing catch-up sleep. A mixture of a thud, the clanging of a spoon against a cereal bowl, and the very unwelcome tone of BBC News wakes me because my well-rested husband is sat in the lounge enjoying his breakfast. I scowl at him. I glance at the time - 7:30, so my scowl extends into a growl about how I've only had 15 minutes sleep and been up for two hours and how I'd retreated out of respect for him to the living room so that he could sleep and now he's not only woken me, but woken the baby too and my life is sure to be ruined because her nap as been interrupted. 

"I thought you'd want me to sit with you"

Really? While I sleep, after a 5am start and 2 hours of entertaining a newborn while insanely tired, you think I wanted you to wake me up so I could watch my scruffy, untalkative and morning-grumpy husband sit next to me? No thanks. But thanks, for waking us up and ensuring that my morning will now be hell with an overtired baby.

And then it occurred to me how many situations like this we deal with. Daily. It's definitely the most testing time of a relationship and is hard for both. Me, because in this case, I'll have to pick up the pieces with a grumpy, tired baby; and for Joe because he'll feel guilty all day and take it so much to heart.

When I first became a Mum, there are two things I thought almost immediately:

1. Thank god for Joe, I couldn't do this alone.

2. I have SUCH a new level of respect for single mums. 

But since, I've realised its hard even with help. Sometimes harder. Like this morning, we've had an argument first thing in the morning and both feel shit. That's hard because after a long day of exhaustion and being mum I'm going to have to find extra energy to rectify the situation - as I highly doubt "you know what? You fucking have her at 5am tomorrow while I sleep" is going to cut it as a feasible solution! 

This was just one situation and quite a minor one. Here are some of the daily struggles I currently face, trying to juggle a family that I never realised were part of being 'A Mum'

 Trying to stay awake for wife time - when I've spent an hour stroking the baby's face, I'd happily have a bath and join my baby in sleep at 8:30! But I pry my exhausted self away from the bed that's become comfortable with warmth, and go downstairs for dinner and adult chat, maybe a bit of tv - I'm a wife.

When you know, you know best but you have to bite your tongue. So you have spent just enough time (ie 24/7) with the little being that you've come to understand every little gurgle, yelp or cry. You know she's hungry-crying so whilst daddy's having cuddles, trying to preserve the happy time, you offer the advice to feed her. She's not rubbing her eyes like the parent books suggest, but she is moaning while sticking her tongue out and smacking her lips - no daddy, she's not still hungry, that why she's spitting milk out now - she's full. But she's tired and is looking for the dummy she's come to know as her sleep tool. So again, you offer your advice. She settles a while but is now squirming around - daddy forgot to change her nappy before feeding so she's now got a full nappy and doesn't feel comfortable enough to settle - shall I tell him? I don't want to sound like a know it all! That's another issue and potential cause for a reply along the lines of "you fucking do it then if you know best" - I don't want to isolate my husband at all, and he's very good at picking up daddy skills, but it doesn't make it any easier for me when I have to watch my baby crying for what I knew she wanted five minutes before, before her dad worked it out. No harm ever came to a baby who cried for five minutes while the parent figured out that a nappy needed changing, or a dummy was in need - but constant 'do, this', 'do that', or 'do it this way' can cause one person to feel inferior and that's not great. 

Sharing the bad is great and a tremendous help and I'm so grateful to have Joe, he's just a great dad and husband. But sharing also involves sharing the good. I have her all day, and whilst it's hard - it's also lovely at times. I get considerably more smiles than Joe, way more cuddles and so on. As much as I'd love to see her smiley face as she enjoys (she loves) bath time, or always have the last cuddle with her before bed - I've got to learn to share them! Bath times are always Joe's time with Amelie and I love that they have such a bond - she genuinely enjoys her time with him and is considerably less smiley on the rare occasion that I give her a bath. So it's nice to share the hard part, but you also have to sacrifice some of the fun parts too.

Sex. There it is! It's a real part of life but probably the last thing you think about or have energy for after an entire draining day with a little one. Joe goes to work and Amelie sleeps pretty well at night so for him, life is pretty much the same as before - energy wise. For me, I'm still living in the whirlwind of nappies, bum-wipes, feeds and tantrums - and round-the-clock attention and awareness of Amelie's baby antics! I'm not saying force yourself and do something you're not happy with by having sex, I'm just saying that there are a hell of a lot more 'I can't really be bothered right now but it'll be good when we get into it' moments than before! 

Making an effort. I certainly don't. I wish I had the time and money to go and buy every product I could think of and apply it daily for an hour to my face and hair. But the truth is, nowadays, (especially as my hair is currently falling out since the change in hormones post pregnancy) I rock the messy bun with little or no makeup 4/7 days at least. But there are days I make an effort because, well for one, it's good for your self-esteem, but also because I can't expect Joe to find it attractive leaving with his wife looking pretty horrific and coming home to her looking even more shocking. It's hard, but you have to remember to be yourself as well and not confine yourself to being just 'mum'. 

I love my little family more than anything and couldn't be more thankful to have my best friend by my side to 

experience it all with. But it doesn't make it any less hard. Because I found it so hard in the first few weeks, I was totally reliant on Joe. It's from that experience that my respect for single mums derives. Whilst I still have utmost respect for anyone doing it alone (including single dads) and am exceptionally proud of my single parent friends,I realised its ok to be equally proud of myself. We all face challenges and differing ones in every situation, it's our ability to remain resilient and keep our little bubba at the forefront of it all that is truly admirable. I think when you put someone else ahead of yourself, which all mums most likely will, it's the toughest job of all and we're all heroes. Except for twins or more, you guys are SUPERheroes. 

Stepping into the world of Napping

Wow. I've already had the steepest learning curve of my life since becoming a mum - and that's saying something after an undergraduate and post-graduate degree - but I've recently stepped foot into the the land of baby naps, and have learned how much of a determining factor naps can be. So whatever I plan to do nowadays, nap times are at the forefront of it all!

Amelie and I have spent countless days cuddling. The sofa is the hostess with the mostest when it comes to napping, but I've napped with her outside in the shade on a blanket, in bed, in a cafe whilst catching up with mummy friends and even standing up and going for a walk. Most recently, in the sea life centre while waiting for the daily talk and show. Of course she naps on her own too, but my baby is not a lover of being alone. Since day one, she's been a baby who can sleep hours on me or her dad, but struggles for a half an hour when in a bouncer, buggy or a bed! Guess she just likes closeness and I'm ok with baby cuddles! But these cuddles have always been spontaneous and not ever in a routine. I would forever wonder what I did 'right' or different on a day I classed as a good one - because God knows I've had some extremely difficult days which left even midwives and health visitors gawping when they witnessed my screaming child... We changed her milk to comfort milk which helped with her gas and outbursts but I was still having crazy hard days (and I continue to have them now too just much less often) so I was baffled. It hadn't even occurred to me that she might have been sleep deprived, it was only during a chat with fellow mummy friend Georgie that she mentioned how day time sleep can impact night time sleep!

Luckily Amelie has been a good sleeper at night since about 3/4 weeks, but the day times were a roller coaster. So I started paying attention to nap times. I always assumed that a baby will let you know when they're tired and looked for ear fiddling or eye rubbing but my baby didn't seem to be doing this. That's when I realised that she was indeed tired every 2 hours or so, she just wasn't aware of it. How could she be? She was weeks old! So I knew she loved rocking and mtv so every couple of hours id whack on channel 350 and bust a move with baby in hand! I did not want to confine myself to hours of dancing around the house to mtv (it's just not the same with a baby) so I made sure she had a dummy each time I rocked her - so that she'd associate sleeping with the dummy NOT MTV ! Before long, she was used to this and very much came to rely on them to recharge her (and mine) batteries. I love the idea of being able to provide my baby girl with such a routine every day, but the reality is that it's just not possible all day everyday. For one, I don't stay in everyday and sometimes a nap is just not possible. Socialising is equally as important, and if a baby class happens to be at a particular nap time, the routine is out of the window! Also. She's not a robot. Sometimes she wakes up at 9, sometimes 10 and sometimes 6. Nap times are therefore skewed and tailored to each day. I do try and make sure she has a nice long nap before any significant activity because it makes the world of difference, but sometimes it's just not possible. These are the days that are noticeably more difficult than others. So as well as providing the necessary hour or so to ensure a happy baby, naps are essential to allow me to remember that I'm actually a person too and not just 'mum'  - and gives me a chance to catch up on me time.

It's insane how much these little beings can teach you and I'm thankful for everyday.

One I will remember forever...

So today was the first day I felt like a real mum. Ok this bizarrely testing day was one I couldn't have even made up, and for today only I felt like Supermum! (Which for me is a great feeling considering I've been doubting myself since the day I discovered exactly how much sleep I'm losing) I felt for the first time that I am going to be alright at this mum thing and thought to myself "you know what I can do this!" 

So, we had a swimming lesson. So exciting, so fun, so super mumsy. But no, I was filled with terror because we had to quit our baby massage class as Amelie just cried inconsolably - and I mean EVERY time I opened the door to 'try again'. I came to understand that my little pickle was in fact shy. Judge me, mock me, think of me as over the top - but I really am telling you, the baby was all smiles until about the third out of five mummies turned up. Then it was screaming non-stop. So much that I had to take her home (to the car) half naked because my, by then, blue-in-the-face-from-screaming baby just wouldn't tolerate another second of 'mummy's dressing you' time! Lucky it was a hot day !! Anyway, that was then and this is now - but you can see why I worried so much that my shy baby would become overwhelmed ! 

So, the nervous me took to the car, and as I said - I was Supermum so being as super as I was today, I thought what's better than to take Joe his lunch he'd forgotten..? So after getting petrol (another thing that I dread doing with a baby) I made my way along the bypass for my 15 minute journey - that turned into 55!!!! Some traffic jam that delayed us meant Joes lunch was to remain in the footwell of my car, we had a swimming lesson to now rush to. Swimming is a calculated business with a 3 month old! You have to ensure they nap enough - for me the car journey would ensure a good amount of sleep, and the other crucial thing was milk - they need to be fed right up to last the whole 30 minute swimming lesson! So I had prepped a bottle like ordinary mums do, nothing super about this yet, and off I went! 

Once we were out of the traffic jam, my well rested baby was inevitably hungry. I had planned to be there by then and be relaxing and feeding her ready for a swim, but where was I? About half a mile past my starting point at home ! More traffic! So, Amelie did a poo, and after wiggling around a fair amount I pulled of and whacked on my trusty hazards and cleared the boot ready for a nappy change. There's something very empowering about pulling over in front of hundreds of cars and getting ready to step up to the mum plate and get on with these unavoidable duties... But only if you look like you're managing. So, I made a serious point of looking like i had this under control! So much so that I thought fuck it, I'll strip her off totally and just get her ready into her swimming nappy and swimming costume. Her goosebumped little self made a few grizzly noises but she was fine (and clean) and off we went. Well, my baby is a routine baby (lucky for sleep, but not so lucky for feeds) she has come to learn that usually nappy changes are followed by a bottle, and the shocked and wholly let down look on her face when I simply plonked her back in her car seat signalled that a tantrum was on the horizon. It's similar to when you can smell the rain but it hasn't started raining yet. I glanced over at my grumpy baby, and her lips began to curl. Shit! She wants feeding ?! If I stopped and let the leisurely eater suck her bottle at her relaxed pace, I'd have never made it. Plus, I was already taking a diversion and changing my route to avoid having to queue further. 

Anyway, I decided it'd be wise to feed her as I drove. One-handed indicating, gear changing and steering all whilst trying to keep the bottle in a wiggly Amelie's mouth is NOT advisable. I mean if I felt dangerous or unsafe I obviously wouldn't have done it, but it was a balancing act. Hard and a lot of effort, but doable. I did have to take a break from the feed to manage a hill start - I'm not the stig! So as my little pea chomped away on the last few sips of her milk, I realised I would NOT have time to make up another bottle at swimming (as I would be late or just on time) so the options were face a screaming hungry baby after swimming whilst blowing incessantly in her bottle to cool her milk down, or make one up now! I thought it was wise to make one whilst stop starting in ANOTHER traffic jam! This actually wasn't so hard, but in hindsight it was pretty ninja ! By this point I had a little over 10 minutes to make it and was furious at yet another traffic jam, but it turns out - and I kid you not, a small group of people were marching WITH A COUPLE OF COWS and carrying an empress looking lady on a throne. No idea what that was about! 

So luckily, the milk drunk bub had gone to sleep, heart FM was keeping me (half) sane and I had 8 minutes to make it. Sat nav was adamant I had 'reached my destination' and I saw nothing in sight. I caught sight of a lady who had let her dog out for his business and asked if she knew which of her neighbours had a swimming pool and ran baby swimming classes. She looked at me like I was high, or maybe she was high I couldn't quite tell. Anyway, after a quick phone call I discovered sat nav was a bitch who wasn't on my side, and I finally found the place ! At 12:59, Miss Rose and I balled in, stripped off to our swimmies and MADE our swimming lesson. The little star was not fussy, nor did she cry, I even got some smiles out of her! 

Later, we had a cuddle in the car and a big bottle of her favourite, milk. Then we came home to play and had a nap together. Today has been one of my favourite days with the princess and I couldn't be prouder of her. If it wasn't for the amazing bond and trust we have, we would never have got through a 2 hour car journey and such chaotic situations.

There are lots of days I question if I'm doing ok, or if I'm doing it right... But today for one day only, she made me feel like the best mummy in the world to her.