We love food

So we began our weaning adventure a week early at 16 weeks! This part of parenting I absolutely LOVE! What's better than cooking up an array of varying colours and flavours and watching a little face explore new flavours! (Avacado was my favourite so far) As I understand it, it's not recommended to start until 6 months but 17 weeks is an absolute minimum. Well my kid was (as usual) exploding into about 8 nappies per day so I did what I saw fit! I myself eat a couple of bananas when I have a dodgy tummy so I began with a tiny amount of banana mixed with her milk! A few teaspoons to start with only but it cleared it up for her. You're supposed to give the same fruit or veg for a couple of days to observe for reactions so I stuck to banana for pretty much all week! I saw somewhere that you should give vegetable as a first food for 2 weeks and this was my plan... After the banana helped soothe Amelie's butt explosions! (Which it did soon enough) 

I did some research and found that a lady called Annabel Karmel is like the Michelin star chef of the baby weaning world. Even though the recipes did in fairness tingle my own taste buds, I felt that it was just a recipe book and I had no idea which foods were ideal for when (and why) so I opted for the informative Ella's Kitchen first foods book. It makes for easy reading but covers all key aspects relating to babies' development as well! For instance, I never knew that babies' iron levels plummet at around 6 months and iron rich foods are vital! So I had stuck rigidly to the 2 week day-by-day guide to weaning! - we just cut out the broccoli and cauliflower because Amelie is a gassy baby (joy for me) and I wanted to avoid these vegetables as I had already started the process of weaning so early. This book is seriously like a bible for the anxious parent, ie: me!

It's needless to say, I LOVE this 'phase'; watching the chick's squirming face as she discovers flavours she's not sure of and smiling face as she is [demanding me to keep] shovelling in heaped spoonfuls of spinach into her grin-blushed face! We have persisted with some 'unsure of' flavours to encourage a wide ranging taste bud, but I'm not gunna torture my kid and subject her to brussels sprouts too persistently - that and it makes our house smell like a burst sewage pipe. We don't need that kind of negativity at 11am. 

So I've said I have been enjoying this bit. But obviously not every bit of it! The cleaning is unreal! Our chosen meal always ends in food chaos leading to a full blown wash. I started co-showering because my back just couldn't take anymore bending over the bath. Once a day is plenty! Plus it's so convenient and quick! Having to cook food fresh is also quite tiresome, and making sure it's a well balanced 'meal' takes its toll. Have I given enough vitamins? Any carbohydrates? Have I fed her too much? Perhaps too little? We are a good couple of months in with solids and I'm now having to think about healthy and nutritionally balanced meals. Amelie will sometimes have a meal twice a day, but it's not quite regular yet, I kind of just go with it! Honestly, that's the best advice I could've given myself: just go with it. She will eat what she wants and how frequently she wants it. She knows best. I mean, within reason. Since discovering cheese triangles, I'm fairly certain that she would eat 3 if she could! But we will stick to a half of one and on a good day, a whole cheese triangle as the salt content is a little higher than I'd like and I've recently (from Ella's book also, I should be an Ella's rep!) learnt that baby's kidneys struggle to process salt at this age still so it's best to avoid!

Below are some funny, and mildly annoying things I've discovered recently:

1. No matter what is on the spoon, it will end up all over a baby's face and hands! Cue the eye rubbing by baby and a frantic search for wet wipes by me!

2. What started out as 'oh she's so cute reaching for the spoon and trying to feed herself' has now turned to 'oh god you've shoved the spoon too far and now you're gagging up the entire mouthful' or 'ffs you have just grabbed the spoon and shovelled the spoonful all over your face because you missed your entire mouth'. So now we just hold hands and shout 'yaaaay' as animated as possible to distracted from said spoon!

3. Babbling is so lovely. Not when each one starts as soon as you put a spoon of yoghurt to your baby's mouth.

4. As above but sub babbling for blowing raspberries.

5. When you've slaved away at a baby recipe and your kid takes one taste and gives you a face like 'what on gods earth is this rubbish, take it away.' That's a real face.

6. Smell - some veg really stinks. So broccoli, sprouts, peas kale. Basically I'm sure anything green.

7. Appearance - whilst berries and colourful veg is exciting and looks the-bomb-.com, when you start blending actual meals lots of it looks the same going in as it will coming out. Best example: lasagne! And maybe porridge. 

8. The nappies. Goodbye yellow with white speckles... Brace yourself for adult like (in every imaginable way) poo. And I'm being 100% serious when I say EVERY time we get in the car, I have a poo to deal with. It's not even exaggeration. (so I'd be grateful if anyone could confirm this is normal or had any advice on this issue!)

That's all I could think of for now. I've lost track of how many bibs I have cleaned, and replaced! I used to just chuck them in the washing machine and wash in a couple of days, but then when it came out mouldy (after being washed) I realised bibs needed instant cleaning and only then could be placed in the washing machine. Oops! The chair in which Amelie eats gets washed more times than my hair in a week, and as for the pots, pans and liquidiser... They're the story of my life, daily basis.

But when you see how much they grow and how they develop from liquid to semi liquid then start taking in chunks and texture, you can't help but feel proud and see how it was all totally worth it! 

Having said that, I can't wait until I can just give her a bog standard sandwich for lunch, and McDonald's for dinner. (I'm kidding about the dinner, it'll be KFC) 

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In love with 'Sudocrem Care and Protect' ointment

Im a mum on the go. I couldn't think of anything worse than being stuck indoors all week with my dribbling mini me (or mini 'her dad' to be honest) and just watch tv or swivel the same rattle at a desperate attempt to converse with my 5 month old! Don't get me wrong, I love that part of being a parent, but it's hardly fulfilling to either of us! We like mini experiences!

So...We took a road trip! I woke up super early (to be fair I wake up no later than 6am every morning thanks to my babbling, snooze-free [mini] human alarm clock! We were headed for a picnic at the park with Amelie's grandparents!

I was ready for a fun filled day; she woke up grumpy. This was a combination of a horrendous nights's sleep and teething! The joys of parenthood meant I'd drawn the inevitable short straw and was about to endure a fairly long car journey with a monster. She fell asleep to be fair and the drive was smooth sailing! Until about half way, when she pooed herself awake! I've lost track of the amount of times I'd spent my driving times bargaining with my 5 month old about which bit of road (usually an A-Road) is safe to pull over at. If she's not in the mood to wait (she never is) I have to pull over on some obscure looking supposed parking bay. So on this particular day, I did just that. Found a safe place and plonked my pooey baby in the boot! I was met with not only the usual, but nappy rash too. Great. I have a couple of go-to creams - one which is so intense it irritates her skin after more than a couple of applications; the other  Sudocrem. I was excited to recently receive a tube of 'Sudocrem Care and Protect' and decided it would be the perfect opportunity to test it out.

Sudocrem Care and Protect is a triple care ointment which can be used at every nappy change - something which is unique to me as I have not yet discovered an ointment that is suitable for frequent use. I'm not saying the rash disappeared after one single use, but it had begun to look less angry and my little one's mood improved not long after applying the ointment no doubt. This was a huge relief as it meant she could enjoy her time with her grandparents who had travelled some distance and don't get a chance to see her often. I felt relieved that I could apply as frequently as I wanted and continued to use it throughout the day. I had no reason to worry about rubbing or chaffing, as the cream itself acts as a barrier not only protecting the rashy area, but locking out the bacteria found in baby's waste. It also ensures that the good stuff like Vitamin E and Pro Vitamin B5 (which help skin stay soft, healthy and moisturized) stays sealed in.

We got home after a great day at the park with the in-laws and I was ready to tackle the bedtime routine. Much to my surprise, there was not the usual thick 'paste-like' residue as one might expect with the original 'pot' of Sudocrem. One of my favourite things about this cream in particular is that it's so light in texture and leaves no trace of anything behind, only a genuinely soft feel to your baby's skin. I even used it to try and soothe minor sunburn and was shocked at the amazing result!

It's no wonder that Sudocrem Care and Protect has won Product of the Year 2015 in the category of 'Best Nappy Cream' and with a very reasonable price of around £3 (having looked across a range of pharmacies and supermarkets) it's a no brainer!

Every mum most certainly needs one of these as part of their baby care essentials, I certainly won't be going without mine for a while.

I've looked across a vast range of shops and currently the best offer stands at Superdrug. You can pick up a tube here

My Cost-Conscious Week: Fun for a Fiver

So I've said before that I will share my motherhood discoveries as I discover them myself. Recently on the life-vine: money. With it being summer and wedding season we are definitely feeling the sting, so I've been scratching my head a little over how best to ensure a wholesome experience for Amelie [albeit she is only 5 months] and myself throughout the week. Then I realised that actually, there are a large number of ways to enjoy the weekdays that don't cost much at all. (Obviously excluding petrol because to me, that's already calculated into the essential monthly budget) 

So I set myself a challenge of entertaining ourselves for the week, for £5.

Day 1 - Soft Play

We have recently discovered soft play. So let me just declare my love for these places. Anywhere between 50p-£1.25 is standard adult entry, and totally free for under 1s! The price is great, but the best part? It's a sensory heaven for babies. They are constantly taking in their surroundings and absorbing new sights, sounds, textures and the like, so it acts as an intense learning platform for them. What appeared to be a large foam Lego piece to me, provided over an hour of entertainment for Amelie and me. Of course we weren't just holding onto a block for an hour, there were colours to look at, other children to socialise with and a great deal of varying sounds to take in. I don't crash and bang around at home, I don't run around and I certainly don't screech. These things are all new for Amelie and are (often scary) but part of her learning, and will do wonders for her social skills! So for 65p it's great! Usually I would get a cup of tea and a cake, but for this week I wanted to actually stick to the £5 rule so opted to take a drink with me and had lunch at home!

Day 2- Picnic in the Park

What better than to ensure mumma and baby both gain something from the venture. I met up with my friend who also happens to have a baby to have a picnic in the sunshine - and shade for Amelie -and we had a great time. I picked up some Sainsburys Basics strawberries (which looked nicer than the slightly more upmarket ones to be fair) and a lovely Apple and Pear juice, and grabbed some crisps from home! £1.80 was the total cost here, and I become aware I had spent nearly half of my weekly budget on the second day but I was determined to achieve my goal! 

Day 3 - Garden Centre

My little cherub absolutely adores fish! I'm sure it's the lights and sounds as well as the colourful nature of fish that she enjoys really, but nevertheless it's always a great success for us. This month we do not have £17.50 for the sea life centre (yes it is that expensive) so I researched garden centres in the local area to see which ones had an aquatic section, so we could have our fishy fun for absolutely free. We saw puffer fish, pond fish and pretty much the entire cast of finding nemo (or Dory, whichever one is most currently 'lost') without spending a penny. I felt a little apprehensive with zero intention of buying fish so I actually asked one of the salesman if it was ok to have a quick look at the fish. He ended up coming around with us for a short while to talk us through some fish! So an all round great experience.

Day 4 - Beach Walk and the Chippy

What's better than the sea front? Amelie and I had a lazy morning with a nice lay in and some garden time, but we both prefer to get out every day, so we waited for Joe to finish work before our day out. We went for a super long walk equipped with bottles, nappies and other baby essentials like a change of clothes in case of a poo explosion and a jumper and million blankets. Just a few of the bare necessities. So a large portion of chips is £1.50 and a jumbo battered sausage is £1.00. Joe and I shared a large chips so I could technically claim it cost me personally 75p, but I won't! The point is, 4 days in and I'm £4.95 down. Not bad at all.

Day 5 - Windmill Walk

I am always fascinated by the windmill I drive past nearly daily. So despite the unappealing distance by foot, I packed a small load of baby bits and set off on what turned out to be just a little longer than a 2 hour walk. It sounds a lot, but in the 'walking-with-a-buggy-mum' world that's no distance at all! I'm seriously debating using Strava for these walks - now that I'm not likely to use it for runs or a bike ride anytime soon! So anyway, my point is, we discovered a beautiful windmill tucked away discreetly in a back road. And we loved it! A completely free day! It would seem silly not to research places like this locally. We are exceptionally fortunate to live in such a history-rich country, it'd be a shame not to take time out to appreciate it! 

My weekly total... £4.95! Mission accomplished. 

This is just a typical week for me, and by no means extensive! I do find it super easy to book into/onto things and before I know it were £50 down and that is hardly cost effective! We do not scrimp at the weekends either (but probably could) so these are just a few ideas to save a few pennies because who doesn't like saving 'some P' [I recently heard of this expression from my girl Tania - she keeps me up to date with the lingo] so below are a list of affordable or free activities I came up with!

• Play dates 
• Swimming - check your local swimming pool as often there are baby sessions. Our local area offer £2 for 2 adults and 2 children!
• Pet shop
• Local farms 
• Duck feeding 
• Long, adventurous walks
• Book shops - often offer free drawing stations for older children 
• Libraries - story times 

I'd love to hear any I might've missed! Hope this helps anyone at a loose end!

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Dads! I'm Learning to Empathise, not Critisize

Guess who I am? I've been to work all day, I've had endless meetings where I've spent a large chunk of it not really there. I mean, I am of course, physically there - but my mind wanders a lot lately. I have a brand new baby. I often wonder what she's up to, or whether she's mastered the particular skill she's been working on. My phone flashes. I'm excited at the thought of opening it up to find a picture of my little beauty queen. Instead it's my wife.

"Thanks for leaving the kitchen messy again ffs. I tidy all day and you mess it up every time you do anything. You literally have no respect for how hard it is to keep it clean. Thanks for appreciating my effort, I'm done cleaning up after you."

I want to explain myself and say that although I had promised to help with tidying up, it was half an hour before Amelie's bedtime, and I chose to play with her. Then I just somehow forgot. I have so much to keep in mind all day and for that I'm sorry but I also want to see my little girl. I know you tidy whilst looking after her all day, but that's just it. You see her ALL DAY, and I get half an hour or maybe an hour if she can manage staying awake. So I chose her.

Instead I just opt to say a simple 'sorry', because I really am. But I don't want to try and justify it because it's not really justifyable. My wife keeps a tidy house alongside the hard work of a baby, I should've done it later. That, and trying to make excuses would make it even worse. So I reply a simple reply and hope she's calmed down by the time I come home.

She hasn't. I'm met with an extremely stressed out woman who's indulged in one-too-many unsavoury nappies, so I'm immediately handed a child. If I'm lucky, there's not a poo explosion. Usually there is. She's even phoned me in the car on my way home before (on several occasions) to ask how long I'll be to see if a pooey nappy could somehow be 'saved' for me. Luckily, it never has. Yet.

She needs a break, I get that. But so do I. Both of us learnt quickly that it's not a competition; we are both tired. At the end of the day, she's exhausted and overwhelmed by baby related tasks, and I have an ever-exploding head full of business matters, baby bits and how I've been a shit let down, (according to the expression on her face) again. I haven't even had a second to catch up with my friends, so I spend an hour or so on my phone trying to catch up with the world, usually on the sofa after dinner. But this is a definite cause for bollocking. So I take it. Because she's stressed.

Guess what I am yet? A stressed out Dad, and person too.

                         *

 So my husband would never actually write a blog post and display it on social media; for starters, he doesn't say anything. but he doesn't have to. His expression says it all. It's no secret that a baby and relationship is extremely difficult to manage. Joe and I are no exception. But recently after a serious and very long chat, we both discovered that we are actually feeling EXACTLY the same - just he felt as though he didn't have as much right to say he's stressed out because I spend 90% of my time with Amelie. So this gave me a chance to (for the first time) EMPATHISE with him. Here he is, emotionally rock solid and always working to improve our situation in every way, yet all I could see were the surface behaviours which were not only annoying but completely frustrating me. Then I put myself in his shoes and kinda understood. I'm not sure how many dads feel like this, and I'm fairly certain they don't scower the Internet for mummy blogs.. The closest thing to 'mums' men look at would be on a TOTALLY different kind of website! But I just wanted to raise awareness of the other side of the coin as it were, because it was a real lightbulb moment for me!



I'm currently in the process of phasing out my blog posts from being linked to my personal Facebook account with a view for me to solely use my new Facebook page dedicated to this blog in a couple of months. If you would like to continue with me on my journey of motherhood, please head over to my page here and give it a like to continue receiving post updates.  Alternatively, you can search 'Mumming Madness'

Surviving the Initial Storm of Motherhood.

I'm obviously the tree.

I made it! I've been brushing my hair and (more importantly) my teeth daily, I can finally tell the difference between my legs and Joe's after a serious shaving act I can only compare to deforestation and I've been sleeping! So, contrary to my earlier thought of 'what the f have I got myself into' or 'this baby will never stfu' I now love being a mum. Well at least I did until the end of month 4. And now we're into the 5th month, not so much. But have I learnt anything from the storm that battered my life during the first 12 weeks? Of course. I've learnt that it's just a phase. Seriously. This is my mantra, and in the toughest times it has gotten me through. I can forever keep wallowing in the fact that I've lost babies and bla bla, miracle baby and all that. That's not enough when she's screaming for the fourth time between 11pm and 3am. It certainly isn't enough when she's thrown up on my face coughed her baby sick in my mouth, and I can't say I'm a great fan of middle-of-the-night baths scouring a shit explosion off of an entire child whilst half asleep. (Me being half asleep, not her.) It's never them being tired to the point of exhaustion. On my 'one particular twilight bath session' Amelie thought it was hilarious and not only smiled ear to ear whilst cooing, she proceeded to create a tsunami and flood the [carpeted] landing! The kid's been a storm since day one, so I'd expect no different.

So aside from my super useful phase mantra, how have a come out being a wiser mum? No how. Haha. I mean I have gained something that's for sure; I haven't continuously called it the steepest learning curve of my life for no reason. I've learnt to be resilient and not give in, or doubt myself. But I've also gained a fair few physical skills. I now can balance a bottle (whilst feeding) with my cheek/chin. I have certainly gained biceps?triceps? No idea of which muscle is which one but my arms are hench to say the least. I didn't necessarily want muscular arms, but I guess that's the result of having a child that won't tolerate being put down for like 15 weeks. It's ok, she's been considerate enough to allow me to exercise my legs too, because by the end of the month 4, we are at the stage of not only not being able to be put down, I can't even sit down with her when it's sleeping time. It's now a case of chart music (weird baby, not a fan of lullabies) and rocking out [walking a weird bouncy walk] around the living room. Sometimes it can take 5 minutes, other times 25! So with around 4 naps and a 'night night' sleep that's potential for 'maths I can't do' amount of minutes - probably hours of exercise! So I'm toning up. I must add that it's this month I started feeling an improvement 'down there' so maybe exercise really does stimulate the healing process. Most people would laugh if they found out a 5lb 12 baby (that's tiny I've come to learn) obliterated my va-jay with her arrival!

I've also acquired some insane driving skills. I can now mostly drive one handed. I learnt this skill one occasion when I had encountered the silliest amount of traffic upon all routes which made my 20 minute journey last a couple of minutes shy of 3 hours and Amelie was (quite understandably) roaring for milk. So I fed her, and drove. I surprised myself.

I learnt that Joe loves me unconditionally. Despite having the d-word thrown around nearly daily at one point, he still continued to kiss me good morning and good night, make me dinner, take over Amelie when I asked and generally do everything I asked - and put up with my consolation shopping habit! The arguments like over the silliest things have been multiple daily ones, but he still carries on and tells me he understands how hard it can be. So yeah despite it recently feeling rocky, I've learnt my marriage is actually rock-solid. (I hope I don't end up getting divorced next month because I've jinxed myself now).

I have most definitely gained a hatred and lyrical awareness of most of the programs on 'BabyTv' I know where the fuck 'grandpa hides', I am pretty certain I can identify who each animal house 'belongs to' and my god I'm shit hot on my numbers 1-10. Amelie and I are counting machines! But the most important thing I've learnt from baby tv is that I can leave Amelie in front of it for about 10-15 minutes, in her bouncer or on her playmat and get on with being me! I can have a break and for that, BabyTv and Sky, channel 623, I adore you. I'll count all day from 1-10 with Charlie and his number friends if I am guaranteed 15 minutes every couple of hours. I'm lying, it's more like 15 minutes every hour until midday. By then, I've tidied up and sorted my life out and we venture out.

So they're the gains of month 4 which has been my favourite and easiest part of being a mum. Now we've reached the end of month 4 and start of month 5, what have I lost ? Sleep! The 4 month sleep regression is a joke! Although for us it hit near the end of 4 months! We went from sleeping 7-10 hours per night to like 3 before waking up. She didn't settle after night feeds and cooed or groaned for hours. She'd be up every hour for the first week of sleep regression, and I was averaging 1.5-3 hours sleep total per night. For about 2 weeks. So when my eyes burnt, I told myself it's just a phase. In fairness, as much as I hate it, it's super reassuring to know that she's doing what is expected developmentally and is on track. In terms of losses, I've also realised that I've lost my fungus-like attachment (baby) and she will now tolerate being put down for a nap occasionally. I find myself holding her through her naps just because I want to. (What the hell is wrong with me) I want her to grow, but I don't at the same time. It's odd. Motherhood itself is odd.

So I started this post by saying I made it and how great the lull between the first twelve weeks and 5 months was. Now, I'm currently in the eye of the storm yet again (although still keeping up with brushing my teeth and occasionally shaving too) but I've learnt just to stay calm because it'll pass. I'm not ever gunna be holding onto an 18 year old, rocking them to sleep, am I? Although I do fear my sleep will be disturbed at that age by drunken phone calls requesting lifts backs - ah! Maybe there'll be 'a phase' forever?

I'm currently in the process of phasing out my blog posts from being linked to my personal Facebook account with a view for me to solely use my new Facebook page dedicated to this blog in a couple of months. If you would like to continue with me on my journey of motherhood, please head over to my page here and give it a like to continue receiving post updates.  Alternatively, you can search 'Mumming Madness'

Thanks 😚😁

I'm sorry I wasn't the first to hold you: a section of a letter to my baby girl

My dearest baby Amelie,
Thank you. You made me something I honestly never thought I'd become. A mother. Already in the few weeks we've known each other you've taught me more than I ever thought possible. You need me. From your day one to my forever, I'll be there to wipe your tears, ease your fears and make your life the best it can be. I'll teach you, but never lecture you; I'll guide you but never push you; I'll work harder than you'll ever know to make sure your world is the most beautiful place to be. And when it isn't, I'll be right there to help you figure out all the trials and tribulations that life may throw at us.

First I must apologise. I'm sorry that I didn't hold you the second you came into the world. I was scared. I'd convinced myself that something would go wrong, as it had so many times before, and just wanted to hear you cry, and to know that you were ok. I couldn't get this far, only to watch you give up on life in my arms, after 9 months in my belly. 9 long months, of which I had spent every waking second with you at the forefront of all I do. I just needed to hear the doctor say you're ok. So I declined when they offered to put you on my chest straight away. Because you hadn't made a peep. I needed to hear you're ok. You were taken to the other side of the room for the doctor to do his checks, but still you made no sound. The doctors seemed in no rush and your Daddy was right next to you the whole time. It felt like all time had stopped and for those thirty seconds, I was frozen. I can't even remember what the surgeons were doing, I had received several injections without even realising until the nurse told me. Then I heard you cry. It was like someone had hit a resume button and the background noise returned. You were ok. And the paediatrician said so. And when I finally held you, I felt the most amazing connection I had ever felt. You became my best friend in that split second.

Your little life is hardly a few weeks old; we've started calling them months now, but I'm already full of fear, worry and guilt over how I've taken to the new job you've blessed me with.

I fear for your safety constantly. I worry that I'm not doing it all as well as I could. I feel guilty if you cry, that I haven't got there quick enough.

Being your mum is the scariest and hardest, but no doubt the best feeling in the world. You will never understand how and why I love you so, but let me offer you a piece of the very start of our journey, my true, miracle baby.

You were our 8th try - and by this time I'd come close to giving up hope. I'd given up on the excitement of a new baby, so for that I'm sorry. I wasn't excited when I discovered your existence, nor did I have much emotion when we first saw you on the screen with a beating heart. The truth is, I was petrified. Something felt different this time - I was convinced it was that I had become totally numb to losing babies and had no emotion left to give. Even though we were offered a chance to see you again, much sooner than we otherwise would have (just two weeks later) I felt next to nothing but an all-consuming fear. A time in the past, we had seen a heartbeat and then were told it had stopped, so I was certain you would have given up by the time the next scan came around too. You hadn't. There on the screen, through blurry eyes, I saw the little flicker of your super strong heart and I felt so connected. From that moment on I began to believe, but still remained sceptical until the gender scan at 20 weeks. When we found out you were a little girl, it became more real. I was beyond excited and by this point absolutely full of happiness, excitement you name it. But I could not let go of fear. I carry this fear of losing you to this day and face a constant daily battle where I reassure myself that actually everything will be just fine. It just has to be.

Every food consumed, activity undertaken had you at the forefront. I consumed an unbelievable amount of protein to ensure I had enough for 'growth and repair' to two bodies. I kept up with carbohydrates so as to ensure I had enough energy - and cakes! I'd happily demolish an entire cheesecake - with the exception of a tiny slice for your dad and felt no shame! Then showers - never too hot as I had read somewhere that it decreases oxygen intake by 50%! No exercise that involved more than walking, PLENTY of rest - I slept any second I had including in between teaching lessons sometimes in my car! It was crazy - almost like an illness mirroring OCD. Only I was actually fighting an 'illness' my body was incapable of carrying a baby up until this point and I had made it my task to fight that. And it did mess with my mind. I know it now as well as I knew it then - so luckily I wasn't actually crazy because I was super aware that over the top was not cutting it. My behaviour was more like a regimented out of this galaxy compared to 'over the top'.

So when I had come to the end of this 9 month battle, there you were held out in front of me - a tiny parcel of perfection, I just needed to know you were ok. I couldn't face holding you, feeling your warmth only to have it ripped away from me. In my mind, until the doctor gave you the all clear, you could've given up just like the other seven babies had, leaving me with no explanation and an unbearable amount of pain. Sure enough, you and I both got the the all clear and when I finally held your tiny little body close to mine, I felt complete. I breathed in your smell which was new but weirdly familiar, kissed your head and just held you, in total shock but wrapped in happiness. A lot of things have not gone my way in life, but for once, I had won. And my beautiful prize was this deep and unconditional ever-ripening love. I really do love you more each day and find a different reason to love you with each one.

We took you home. And began our very own little happily ever after.

My best friend is a 4 month old

My best friend is a 4 month old

Babies are geniuses in my eyes. They're master manipulators and never use a single word. She's never spoken a word to me, yet we talk. We communicate all day, just not the conventional way. We squeak, grunt and gurgle to each other; observing and mimicking certain sounds at certain times. Then they start to have meaning. Yes - my 4 month old has taught me a whole system of communication. Geniuses, these babies. Ever heard of the saying 'it's not what you said its how you said it'? That exactly what I spend my days doing. Amelie makes a noise and I observe the particular sound for tone, pitch and sharpness to decipher its meaning. She might only say 'gah' but believe me, there are a whole host of ways she can utter this! She's a little human, very much dependent on someone for all areas of her life- I mean she still can't even hold on to a teething ring for longer than a minute and the girl needs to soothe the horrible pain of teeth piercing her gums! For her, 'gah' is the only 'word' she can use to get her through the day. With a tired mummy it can be hard for her. So for her, sound is everything! I don't for a second wish to try and replicate her sounds (hard in writing and exceptionally boring to read) but just take our own adult language as an example. One of the sounds we use in a similar way is 'ha'. 

You can express humour:

 'that looks funny like that, ha!'

We can use it to hide embarrassment: 

'not gunna make it as I've just failed my driving test and can't drive, ha!

Can use it to be aggressive:

'I win and you lose, so HA!'

And so on..

So this is the newest discovery on my motherhood journey! I'm constantly listening, analysing coming to conclusions and devising solutions for the many things that surround Amelie! 

Her little personality shines through already - if I spend a little longer than she is happy with washing her bottles or preparing her, her FRESHLY cooked-to-baby-perfection 'meal' she outright shouts at me as if to say hurry up! 

I make fun of the repetitive nature of baby programs by exaggerating and mocking the characters' sayings, and she finds it hilarious. So, in the numbers song with Charlie and the numbers, as soon as I've uttered 'one' she is all smiles and singing shouting along all the way through to number 10 - at which stage the characters declare that it's time to 'do it all again' fml! So my little munchkin is already gah-ing and squeaking [and dribbling] whilst kicking her legs frantically ready for a repeat of the numbers song! She knows what is good in life and for us it doesn't get much better than singing the numbers 1-10! TWICE! 

My favourite part of her personality is that everything is funny. As long as I ask her, she agrees with a huge grin. Well, within reason, I mean if she's screaming in agony with a huge tooth on its way up I doubt she would respond quite so positively if at all to her stupid mum asking 'is it funny?' For the millionth time, but aside from obvious unfunny scenarios, everything is funny according to Amelie. Recently a passerby crawler kid donked her on the head with a block of wood (OK it was a wooden train) and she cried, but after 10 seconds or so of my high pitched reassurance, coupled with 'is that funny' (seriously may as well be my slogan) she confirmed that yea, it was funny - because she was grinning from ear to ear. Phew! Hopefully she grows up to be a comedian being that she seems to always see the funny side! 

Now, as with any friendship it doesn't always go smoothly for us ! Sometimes she's a pain in the backside, no - she's a serious fricking nightmare. Food, for example is a great situation. Bottles for one, I KNOW she is no longer hungry after having an entire 'big bottle' but she insists - she ditches 'gah' for this part and just screams - so I make another bloody bottle that I know will be going straight down the drain or on a good day maybe in the fridge. She takes one sip of her fresh second bottle and either chokes slightly on it because she doesn't want it, or coughs the entire mouthful of milk in my face with repeated sprays. Thanks. So these things do little less than please me and we 'fall out'. This results in me thinking 'fuck you, I knew I was right' (emphasis on THINKING I would never actually SAY that to her) and I stop sacrificing myself to her for a few moments and treat myself to a wee. Or a drink of water. Then we are friends again, so it's safe to say our disputes are short lived. These little creatures as annoying and turbulent as they can be, are the most amazing little things so they're pretty easy to forgive. 

I'm thankful for our laughs everyday and although I AM pretty relieved to put her to bed recently, mainly because of teething and me surviving on 1.5-3 hours sleep per night, most nights I genuinely think I'm gunna miss you for the next few hours, because she really does make time so special. 

For the first time in life I'm living in the now. They teach us from such a young age to live for the future - do good in school so you can get a good job, get a good job so you can buy a nice house... And the like. But for now, I'm thoroughly  enjoying the PRESENT!