It's ok to not be ok. I tell that to anyone and everyone but I never actually tell that to myself. Shame because recently I've been really not ok. Don't get me wrong, I've been fine 'in general', but it's never the general that eats away at you. It's always the little things in the back of your head that come out to play in quiet alone time, middle of sleepless nights... These sorts of times. And then they stick around like a bad smell until it really gets you down...in general.
I've lost my body, I can deal. I've lost loads of free time, that's cool it's part and parcel. Sleep is definitely something I have lost (probably the most of) and I'm drumming through that too. But the one thing I'm not ever going to be ok with is losing people close to me. I haven't exactly had the 'I just don't like you anymore so we're not friends' playground age chat, but I'm certainly feeling a million I miss you's towards a million people. (If youre reading this and can relate, please don't feel like it's about you) it's a classic and most definite case of 'it's not you its me'. I can no longer party into the morning hours not knowing which foot comes first, or treating myself to dance floor naps because quite frankly i'd bloody die trying to tackle looking after Amelie the next day. I can't just randomly host a party like in the past because I've got a very wakeful sleeping bub upstairs, and I certainly haven't got the cash for regular extravagant shopping trips or day trips - Amelies milk alone is over £100 a month and her growth spurts mean that her wardrobe takes priority over mine. I'm juggling a husband as well and most nights I'm so exhausted by 7pm (imagine the worst tired you have EVER been and just not being able to catch up for 7 months to feeling 'not tired' anymore) that all I want to do is sleep, so I might just manage a conversation with Joe and some dinner and might forget to reply to a message or text.
I feel shit because I miss so many people, but I feel so grateful because so many mumma friends get it and are just there for the times I need to rant about vaginas and sick and poo - and hand over my super grumpy daughter. I feel awful for the non-mum friends who I subject to those sorts of topics, I'm sorry if it ever makes you feel uncomfortable but it's so hard to discuss anything else when my life is so consumed by it. I had never imagined that touching poo (and someone else's at that) would be a near-daily occurrence as I'd have vommed, but these days bodily fluids are a normal part of everyday for me regularly getting pissed on, pooed on and on kinder days, maybe just a sneeze or a spit splodge in my face.
But the truth is I miss 'me' sometimes. I want to have no care in the world, but there's no comparison to the care and worry a mum feels - so I simply don't have that luxury. I want to gossip about the trials and tribulations of life and stay up till ungodly hours munching junk food and watching stupid tv. But I'm just not in that space right now - and can just about manage that once a month or maybe once every 2 months. But those very rare catch ups (which might be 'great she's finally bothered' to you) mean the world to me. They remind me of who I am for 'me' and that I'm not just a mum. They remind me of all the reasons I love being your friend, and laughs with friends are priceless. I recently managed to join in on the dancefloor as our apartment was right next door, and I had my phone in hand - on FaceTime watching Amelie sleep (there were others babysitting her downstairs I didn't just leave her) and even my own husband didn't stick around and just merged in with the crowd, leaving me stood on the dancefloor on my own like a melon, until
I just gave in and went to sleep at 10:30. So I totally get it. But I miss so many people.
I started this post by saying it wasn't a pity party - it's a real harsh truth that comes with the life change that is motherhood. But it's not easy by any means and so hard to accept the idea of a growing distance between yourself and the people you love so dearly. And there are so many, I miss and love you all.
