Prepare for Shit. A lot of shit. The kind out of their bums, shit sleep, shit diet, shit social life, shit arguments with your significant other, shit food because you have no time or desire to cook. You name it, shit probably features frequently and never lingers too far from a baby! There are obviously fun(ny) times, but shit is never too far off the scene. It's a real shit storm to start. I think to some extent the shit lessens, but I also think we just learn to live with it and funny enough start to (stupidly) love it!
Once you've got yourself used to the idea that you can sleep no more, you might as well get cosy. Now I'm not talking metaphorically. I literally mean. Get cosy, comfy, oversized clothes so you can at least feel good about feeling tired. Ish. It's time to throw away the dresses, heels; and any shoes for that matter - who needs shoes in the house? This is where I fear my sense of giving any thought to my appearance began to dwindle. The best thing I can compare it to is a hangover. When you're literally SO tired, and you couldn't care less about the clothes you're wearing or the state of your face! Talking of face, this is an apt moment to introduce my absolute favourite, most over-used technique when it comes to my appearance - namely my hair - my 'go-to' look, if you like: The Mum Bun. So avid is the existence of said motherly hairstyle in my life, that I've once gone out for dinner with it. Not on an actual date with my hair, I just mean I got so exhausted after applying a full face of make up that I decided 'sod' it when it came to the rest of my head. Convenience is key, and boy have I learnt that this year or so!
I 'conveniently' (frequently) hold in my wee until it's ok to make noise because it's just not worth waking the sleeping baby! But that's not what I really meant. I'm thinking more along the lines of 'do I grab a bit of ham and cheese from the fridge and later a piece of toast rather than take time making a sandwich?' Yes! Do I quite often take part in a play date rather than getting ready and going out? Yep! And do I shave when I need to, rather than when I fancy smooth legs? Most definitely! I regularly opt for movie night than date night and would way sooner day drink (without the baby this time) than deal with a hangover and even more sleepiness! I pack a bazillion toys for distraction in the unattractive pink rucksack - not resembling at all a handbag my pre-parent self may have had and quite shamelessly hand over a biscuit or three to keep the peace! Convenience at its best!
So that's you covered, what about everyone else? You lose friends, it's a fact - see previous post on this if you like! But you gain the best ones too. Mum ones. They get it. Some of your non-mum friends do too, but prepare to see a few disappear into the shadows, or replace you with new and exciting friends. This is hard, but understandable. There's only so much poo, wee, vomit and baby related stress people can take. My best advice? Just let your friends know you'll be there for them! And (I'm still hoping) when they have kids, they'll be interested in hanging out again! Patience! With some people it's the opposite. They literally are so baby obsessed they don't leave you - or your kid alone. Literally. And you're stuck looking for excuses as to why you can't meet. Don't do that. Don't be like me. If someone wants your kid, take them up on the offer! Say hallelujah, grab a glass of wine, or anything and f*ck off! Enjoy you time! If I could do it second time round, I'd still struggle, but I think I could hand over Amelie a lot quicker than I have done. My anxiety got the better of me for a long while, constantly worrying about her welfare and how other people just wouldn't 'get' her. She's a baby Viv!! And turns out there's not much to get, she rules the roost and everybody else follows! The hardest of all and the 'other' person who suffers the most is 100% your partner. They take the brunt of all your frustration, they are there to see you at your worst, and they are there to palm the blame onto. I absolutely hate this about myself, but it's true. Joe has at times been more like a punching bag than a husband to me and he's taken a lot! I've hated him for getting to go to work for 9 hours a day, for having the right to a shit whenever he wants, drinking warm coffee, and not really paying the price for having a baby with a fatter, less able body. Having a baby really takes its toll on your body and for me, took 7 months before it BEGAN to recover. My stomach will forever bulge, my hips now are covered in stretch marks to match the ones on my saggy (still tiny) boobs and my vagina will forever look like an overstretched jumper and will never be the same as before I pushed a human out of it. Joe? Is just a little tired, but his body hasn't changed! He doesn't put up with the tantrums all day, I do! Then when he says its not that bad and I just need to stay calm, I want to strangle him. If he hasn't helped with the housework he is on my blacklist for at least a day, and if he happens to utter that he's tired I might storm off to bed after a few choice words. Before children, nothing like this ever took place and we hardly ever argued. I can't work out if it's having a child or being sleep deprived - it's probably both. Despite this all, he's still there, working hard to keep us afloat and telling me he loves me (mostly) so I adore the man and frequently apologise and ball my eyes out at how sorry I am for (once again) losing my shit! All part of the game.
Your social life takes a serious battering! Firstly youre exhausted, even on good days! Chances are those days are good because you've spent a big chunk of energy of entertaining your child. So you're too tired to drink, or text back, or go out or do anything but bath and sleep. Some days you do get out and socially interact.. With your friends. But you take your kid. Most of the time, it's great. Lots of the time your kid either poos itself , pours food/drink all over itself or decides that the toys on offer which up until this point they loved at whatever establishment you choose to go to, they now hate. Subsequently, they wine, whinge and moan - or God forbid cry- until you have just about enough, apologise profusely and round up your sprog to leave early. On the occasion where you might've planned a child-free evening, with a babysitter and everything, your kid will no doubt come down with some shit illness or other and refuse to let go of you, clinging on for dear life until you are over run with guilt and subsequently cancel your social outing and swap the evening plans for wiping or nose suckering noses, fretting over dosage times and sizes while secretly (kind of) hoping that Calpol and nurofen together (allow time between the two though!!) knocks out your kid just a little longer than usual so you could at least sleep! And breathe!
These are hard. But by far the hardest part of parenting is worrying. I mean, for me, I have developed a pretty bad case of anxiety. I've learnt to deal with it at most times, but there are occasions where I feel totally overwhelmed and way out of control. And it's scary. Having been a person who laughed at 'anxiety' and thought people with depression just need to keep busy and cheer up, I've certainly come to rethink those thoughts. I struggle daily with worrying. Initially I worried for Amelie's well-being. When your child is crying and they cannot tell you why, you become a detective on a quest to find the source of upset. Are they too hot, too cold? Do they have an itch? Dead arm? (They sleep loads to start with, it's plausible) hungry? Thirsty? Pooey? Pee-ey? Headache? Sore throat? Ear ache? You get the idea. I even once was convinced Amelie could be blind because she wasn't following the toy I was waving around in front of her. So many guidelines and milestones to meet puts pressure on us mummies and it doesn't get easier. Being totally responsible for another life takes its toll like nothing else. It's not so much the chore of looking after a baby, it's being able to ensure all is well. It's taxing because it's so much pressure. If you miss something and your baby suffers as a result it's entirely your fault! You don't realise your child has a pooey nappy and then falls asleep, they could catch a urine infection from the poo in bacteria. How guilty would you feel? Some of it is irreversible. I've been so tired at night before and slowly dozing off, while I could hear Amelie messing around with the blanket. Because I'm paranoid of cot death, I had to double check she hadn't pulled it over her head. She hadn't. But something as simple as going to sleep when you're clearly falling asleep, could prove the biggest mistake of your life. Irreversible. I can't deal with this feeling and to this day Amelie sleeps in our room for this reason. There are a whole host of other examples, like I didn't actually feed my kid anything but puree food until about 9 and a half months (when others were handing over chunks of banana and toast and the like at 6 months) because I worried she'd choke. The best advice I can give is to go with your instincts! When you feel comfortable, your baby will thrive. Oh and take health visitor advice as a guideline rather than strict rule even though they make it sound like the be all and end all if your kid is using a bottle and not a beaker at a year old. You're the mum, you know best! I'm still learning to take my advice on this!
Still want a kid? They are adorable, funny and certainly full of character. But thats like 15% of the time. Max 20! Get ready for the biggest shock of your life!
