Coffee Shop Musings of a Mumma

This is a reminder to myself: for all the times I’ve wished it would just ‘get a little easier’ that eventually, it does. Eventually feels like a lifetime away when your life is in that chaotic mess, free of structure and far from chilled, but when you’re suddenly catching a few more breaks than is generally the norm and visiting the loo in peace, it just hits you. It’s easier. And though I’ve longed to ‘catch a break’ for nearly three years now, I look at my baby (the big one) and feel sad. Incredibly proud but so at a loss that she no longer needs every ounce of me. I sit at her tennis lessons and just watch her little independent self take part and thrive. Without me. She can function and boy am I pleased, but the break I’ve so eagerly longed for is empty. So I can drink a cup of coffee in peace, and what? I can poo and pee in peace but it just leaves me with time to think about all the chores and errands I’ve got to get on with. Her ability to settle herself at bedtime means I can concentrate on the baby, but as this is usually Olivia and her dad’s time, I’m sat redundant. With time to tidy. Or to do laundry. And then I realise - it’s a bit shit. And unfulfilling. Most things about parenting are tough, and some are pretty shitty. . But, most of it is bloody good fun and incredibly rewarding. I have always had fun parenting. I just don’t feel like it’s an accurate representation to say it’s all a big laugh and essentially just ‘playing’. Far from it in fact ! Nevertheless I can honestly say that in hindsight - I no longer lust for this so called free time that I’m left feeling empty in. 

 A few things have changed with baby number two, and one of those is that I’m most definitely not in a rush for ‘me’ time and fully [trying to] embrace each moment. The hard bits I am finding easier to accept that they will pass, and am reminding myself that she is our last baby. I think. I’m also a lot more relaxed about nap and sleep times and guess what ? Olivia is a dream and sleeps like an angel. With Amelie I did everything by the book and still, she is the main culprit of any sleep issues in our household! With Olivia, a coffee does the job of keeping my eyes open, and I don’t need matchsticks this time around! I’m determined not to moan that she takes every ounce of me, and willingly offer her seconds so to speak. Each hectic and often non-stop day means I am totally drained by the end and left feeling like a flat battery that needs at least a week to recharge, but it’s what gives meaning to my life. Do I wish I could just sit for hours, socialising on a night out and treat myself to a relaxed hangover from time to time? Of course. Would I be as happy doing that than being a mum and taking care of the ins and outs of the daily life of my kids ? Not a chance in the slightest.  Ive socialised and drank for hours I’d be a poor mother trucker and I’d definitely be doing my body no favours! The funny thing is, I’ve been there in my life. Socialising until I was blue in the face - and I felt empty overall . It’s at this point that we decided we wanted kids. The laundry doesn’t show me any gratitude and no visitor truly gives a shit whether they sit in a spotless showroom-style house or a pig stye. (If they do, they’re probably stuck up, fuck ups and not a guest I want to spend any significant chunk of time with anyway) The clean dishes will be dirty all over again in 6-12 hours max and they’ll never learn a single thing. Inanimate objects are just that - undeserved of all the energy, effort and emotion we pump into them. Our kids - drain and use all that we have but my god do they thrive. And happily offer their affection to show just how much of an impact you can have. 

So as I sit, sipping my undisturbed coffee - I feel a few things. A little lonely, a little bored and a little like I may have a lot more fun if I go join my child and live of bit of the excitement of their world with her.  

Here We Are

We are one week away from month number three! I’m slightly flabbergasted, somewhat baffled and most definitely shocked that we’re already one quarter of a year into Olivia’s life! This is the part where I say ‘I can’t imagine life without her’ but actually, I’m envisaging a tidy house, much more free time and less chaos. And it’s in that thought that it occurred to me. A tidy house is only a state of an inanimate object; free time usually means I peruse my phone (and I always feel so strong against just scrolling through social media for the sake of it) and finally, less chaos would just lessen the sense of achievement you feel at the end of the day once your babies are in bed. I probably would drink a little less gin* if my kids weren’t giving me a daily dose of crazy, but everyone has a weakness I suppose. Just so happens that whilst the old me would put on my running shoes and bust out a few miles to clear my head - I feel that I would potentially keel over after even HALF a mile, or worse, I’d sit down somewhere (I daresay it could even be the pebbles on the beach) and in my current state of exhaustion I don’t put it past me to potentially fall asleep. So I figure I can cut out the middle bit of running and sub in a glass of pink topped up with tonic and sleep ON THE SOFA. 

I am exhausted but I feel I have fully embraced newbornhood this time around and even at one crazy point considered having a third until I realised I was insane and probably being held hostage by my hormones. One eventful night where I coloured the world with every swear word known to man led me to take a firm stand AGAINST the idea of any more children and I made joe promise to never have any more children. He agreed and I had total trust in him. Until I tested his resilience and he caved like straight away and agreed to baby number three! So no, calling his bluff has showed that I can’t trust him to keep my ovaries from wreaking havoc upon my sanity! Two is a perfect number; a couple if you like, is ideal. Ideal in the sense that ‘a couple of colds’ to deal with is manageable. Or ‘a couple of tantrums is doable. Twice that drama is ok, but just enough to stay sane. And, after all it is twice the love. But three? That’s like new car, an addition to any ‘family tickets’ on days out and outnumbered status in regard to the parent:child ratio. No. Thanks. Plus one would always be left out. Like on a ride. One kid would always be parentless. Or in case of a tsunami washing my kids away... which two would you grab?! You only have two arms. I’ve done my research and as much as I’m not ok that the next newborn I ever hold will just be one I have to give back, three just doesn’t work for me. A couple is a pleasing number for me. 

I tell you what I’m not pleased with. A couple of bums to be responsible for. Sounds like just that. A couple of wees, a couple of poos and a couple of nappies to worry about sounds like not much bother. But when they’re pissing and shitting at different rates and times ‘a couple of bums’ turns into two annoying arses to worry about. So it’s hence that Amelie has embarked upon her journey of potty training. I’m joking she was ready. And taken to it like a boss, bar the odd accident here and there. She’s pretty good in all and I couldn’t be more proud. Nappies are extortionate - I’m talking £16 a pack (quite a big pack) but I could get the same amount of store brand nappies for like £7 but my child’s sensitive skin only doesn’t react to pampers and to be fair to them, I’ve switched Olivia to pampers as well, because they just feel less ‘clumpy’ and are super soft inside so it is good value for money - though i digress! Amelie’s potty training has saved me not only the hassle of keeping on top of nappies, but also a good £40 a month! Though she’s made up for it in formula. YES our nearly three year old is back on formula after like 3 weeks of cows milk. Three weeks of hell - she just doesn’t sleep! I’ve lost track how many times we have tried to transition her off of formula and onto cows milk since the age of 18 months but she just doesn’t sleep through unless she has formula! I’ve even tried ‘Sleepy’ which is the other ridiculously priced lotion from Lush. Literally big dinners - double dinners NOTHING fills that child up like a beaker of cow and gate  and as long as I’m buying the age 2-3 milk I feel that little bit reassured that it’s somewhat normal as she is in the age bracket on the box. But I’m really clutching at straws with that one as I know several 2.5 year olds that don’t even have milk before bed let alone it being a £10 box of formula ! Thank the LORD I am not breastfeeding as my poor boobs would basically just be udders and god only knows if Olivia was up for a feed and Amelie wanted milk! Would I have one on each tit bearing in mind an uncomfortable toddler (with teeth) could result in boob brutality? Or worse - make Amelie wait but which time she’s awake ! I dread to think. 

Two is so much fun. I’ve just yet to experience it! Kidding! It’s so wonderful watching them interact and Amelie really has taken to big sisterhood so well and Olivia finally has got past the floppy, flimsy stage and can take a toddler poki
ng and prodding her much much better. She’s a little less  delicate and a bit more durable. And the smiliest little cherub. Unless she’s in a car seat or an unfamiliar home. She will scream from the second she’s strapped into her car seat for the duration of any car journey. Unless she’s well overdue a nap. And in terms of other people’s houses... I won’t even go into that - it’s like the kid can only exist in my arms. Actually that applies to everyday life. I am not joking, exaggerating or speaking ‘in general’ when I say I cannot put her down. Occasionally she’ll do a turn in the bouncer but between 5am and 8pm she is 95% attached to me or screams. I cannot for the life of me remember when this got better with Amelie but because she’s sleeping well (and sleeping through a couple of times a week) I won’t complain. Just goes without saying - I feel AWFUL on Amelie. But I moaned quite enough about in my last post so I’ll leave it there on that one but would welcome any suggestions on when this clingy behaviour stops as I can’t remember with Amelie. I do remember being incredibly frustrated and just giving up at a year old and starting her in nursery. But my 2 month old starting nursery so soon makes me worried I’ll have a third because I missed out on baby cuddles second time round. I’m joking - I would miss her way too much because she’s only ‘a strain’ because I have a toddler to sort and worry about. I could quite happily spend my entire day napping if it was a case of just Olivia and I. But Amelie needs fun, entertainment and to be taught things so it’s a tad tricky with a human attached to me! But... we do manage! Often with the help of Joe who thankfully works from home. But i mean, I still keep my kids alive and fed when he’s away so I can manage. And I keep telling myself that when Olivia can sit it will be a little easier! Though I definitely don’t want to fall into the trap I did with Amelie whereby I keep waiting for it to get easier and it never does. Until you’re nearly three years deep. 

No idea what’s in store next month, but I say (with gin* in hand and husband ON hand) let’s do it ! Hehe. 

*DISCLAIMER: gin often substituted for coffee when it’s not appropriate to be consuming alcohol. ie day times particularly when I need to drive. Iced is my preference, usually flavoured with caramel or vanilla; and on a particularly rough day just a spoonful of shitty cupboard coffee chucked in a mug of boiling water also does the job too!