This is a reminder to myself: for all the times I’ve wished it would just ‘get a little easier’ that eventually, it does. Eventually feels like a lifetime away when your life is in that chaotic mess, free of structure and far from chilled, but when you’re suddenly catching a few more breaks than is generally the norm and visiting the loo in peace, it just hits you. It’s easier. And though I’ve longed to ‘catch a break’ for nearly three years now, I look at my baby (the big one) and feel sad. Incredibly proud but so at a loss that she no longer needs every ounce of me. I sit at her tennis lessons and just watch her little independent self take part and thrive. Without me. She can function and boy am I pleased, but the break I’ve so eagerly longed for is empty. So I can drink a cup of coffee in peace, and what? I can poo and pee in peace but it just leaves me with time to think about all the chores and errands I’ve got to get on with. Her ability to settle herself at bedtime means I can concentrate on the baby, but as this is usually Olivia and her dad’s time, I’m sat redundant. With time to tidy. Or to do laundry. And then I realise - it’s a bit shit. And unfulfilling. Most things about parenting are tough, and some are pretty shitty. . But, most of it is bloody good fun and incredibly rewarding. I have always had fun parenting. I just don’t feel like it’s an accurate representation to say it’s all a big laugh and essentially just ‘playing’. Far from it in fact ! Nevertheless I can honestly say that in hindsight - I no longer lust for this so called free time that I’m left feeling empty in.
A few things have changed with baby number two, and one of those is that I’m most definitely not in a rush for ‘me’ time and fully [trying to] embrace each moment. The hard bits I am finding easier to accept that they will pass, and am reminding myself that she is our last baby. I think. I’m also a lot more relaxed about nap and sleep times and guess what ? Olivia is a dream and sleeps like an angel. With Amelie I did everything by the book and still, she is the main culprit of any sleep issues in our household! With Olivia, a coffee does the job of keeping my eyes open, and I don’t need matchsticks this time around! I’m determined not to moan that she takes every ounce of me, and willingly offer her seconds so to speak. Each hectic and often non-stop day means I am totally drained by the end and left feeling like a flat battery that needs at least a week to recharge, but it’s what gives meaning to my life. Do I wish I could just sit for hours, socialising on a night out and treat myself to a relaxed hangover from time to time? Of course. Would I be as happy doing that than being a mum and taking care of the ins and outs of the daily life of my kids ? Not a chance in the slightest. Ive socialised and drank for hours I’d be a poor mother trucker and I’d definitely be doing my body no favours! The funny thing is, I’ve been there in my life. Socialising until I was blue in the face - and I felt empty overall . It’s at this point that we decided we wanted kids. The laundry doesn’t show me any gratitude and no visitor truly gives a shit whether they sit in a spotless showroom-style house or a pig stye. (If they do, they’re probably stuck up, fuck ups and not a guest I want to spend any significant chunk of time with anyway) The clean dishes will be dirty all over again in 6-12 hours max and they’ll never learn a single thing. Inanimate objects are just that - undeserved of all the energy, effort and emotion we pump into them. Our kids - drain and use all that we have but my god do they thrive. And happily offer their affection to show just how much of an impact you can have.
So as I sit, sipping my undisturbed coffee - I feel a few things. A little lonely, a little bored and a little like I may have a lot more fun if I go join my child and live of bit of the excitement of their world with her.
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