Recurrent Miscarriages: You Are Not Alone

So this blog post is about what is probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. The "journey' as much as I hate that phrase is one that I am very much still on. I wondered whether I should in fact write a post about a topic this personal and very close to my heart - and then I thought about how alone I felt... I dropped a thought about social media and how much of our privacy we disclose everyday, how many pointless posts we browse through thinking 'shut the f up' and how often we find ourselves consumed in the latest holiday or misfortune of a 'friend' on face book that really isn't a friend as we know it, but a mere acquaintance at best. So I came to the conclusion that some of my 'friends' might not want to read this post, but some might indeed find solace in it; because what I will discuss in this writing is the neglected, the ashamed of, taboo subject of miscarriage - and who knows, maybe someone is being eaten alive and consumed by the fear and isolation, as I was. Sometimes just reading about it helps. Obviously (this is me included) people are nosy and some enjoy a delve into others' personal lives - to those people reading: enjoy the read but please don't feel sorry for me, this is most definitely not a plea for attention or sympathy! I just like writing and hope to help someone feel not so alone if they too are in the same boat!

Lines
Enough said - one line? Faint line? Two lines? Lines define the lives of anyone who might be engaging in the exciting act of 'trying' - God knows my life was consumed by lines. These lines pretty much shat all over the experience and my excitement soon turned to worry and anguish. Two VERY exhausting emotions!

In total I had a million lines, some faint, some clearly visible and some that disappeared within an hour or two - add confusion to my cocktail of emotions! Anyway I decided to give pregnancy tests a bit of a break and just settled for seeing what will happen! Soon enough I was clearly (confirmed by clear lines AND a blood test) pregnant! So exciting, such happy times. 

But these were not to last. Seven times. If you're a close friend you will know, but on the whole (unless you're a work colleague who may have figured out why periodically id be signed off for 2 weeks) not many people knew this. I don't talk about it not because it's hard, but because I am not on a hunt for sympathy. I don't by any means aim to discuss all 7 miscarriages at all, just want to chat about the experience and emotional 'journey' events like this can put you on. 

Hope 
So firstly, don't lose HOPE. I have a beautiful baby girl who would not be here if I had and God knows I was close to it a few times. You are a woman and we really are warriors. Motherhood is the most testing time I've ever experienced and I totally understand why mums are so proud of themselves now - it really IS medal-worthy raising a child. So, I very much feel that the pain and suffering I felt throughout the losses only made me stronger and more able to deal with awful situations. Nothing compares to the feeling of holding your belly long before you can feel anything in there, but knowing that a little life is starting out inside you. It's exciting. For me, this excitement lasted for the first time until 13 weeks, when sadly the ultrasound we were so excited to see, showed a baby who had long since given up (4 weeks to be exact) and all we were told was that there was no heartbeat. Luckily, the sonographers don't show you the screen first, so that little angel I never got to see kicking around on the screen. I won't go into detail on how I did come to see 'it' but I'm sure it's pretty obvious. Hope pushed me through and spurred me on, and though several times we were lucky enough to see a heartbeat, the result was always the same. Heartbreaking, but also something that makes you more determined.

Question yourself 
By this I do NOT mean BLAME yourself! It is never your fault and I had somehow just come to understand that. I mean question where you are in life - what you have done and would like to do. Sometimes your body just won't work how you want it to. I'm a strong strong believer in mind and body. The mind, affects the body. Thinking about it in plain terms, when you're frightened anxious or nervous in your MIND the physical effects in your BODY are that you shake, sweat, and possibly develop a racing heart. Now if one part of your mind longs for a baby and some other part is preoccupied by all your plans which don't (and often can't) include a baby, whatever processes take place in your body might just not happen correctly.. Resulting possibly in miscarriage? I don't know, I'm not a medical or spiritual professional, but I do know that deep down I had always feared being alone with a child (for whatever reason) and not being able to provide for it. This stems from my upbringing where my stay-at-home-mum was always dependent on a man and God knows how she would have looked after us on her own! Well the truth is, she wouldn't have been able to, or at least would have found it VERY difficult. So for me, having a good job and a career has always been important. For Joe (again for whatever reason) having a house has always been his 'thing'. I rested for weeks when finding out each time I was pregnant, I ate a perfect diet and took all the recommended vitamins. Still for the same result. We umm'ed and arr'ed about children. Going from definitely wanting one, to maybe wanting one, to the classic 'let's do it and see what happens' and at one point we even decided we wouldn't have one for a while and go travelling! We were never unanimous in any decision it was always a mixture of the above. Then one day, I remember it so clearly, we viewed the house which we would end up buying - the tiny box room (and I'm not kidding) spoke to us (ok metaphorically)! We were discussing the house and how much we loved it and obviously pointed out the perks like the conservatory, the garage the area - you get the picture. Then, the small box room. It's like we both knew we were gunna say that's a total baby's room before we even said it. And said it we both sure did. I mean, it could have been an office, a music room a study. No, it was what became our beautiful baby girls very pink room. So, questioning yourself about whether you truly are ready for a baby is what I wish I had done - and perhaps I wouldn't have been inclined to try quite so readily, so many times because if I'd given myself time to realise how important a career was to me, and how a house was of great importance to Joe too, I may have realised that as much as I wanted it to be, it just wasn't the right time. Coincidentally, it just so happened that summer 2015 was the year I graduated AND when we bought our first house. I know all this now in hindsight, but I was so consumed by my desire to have a baby - I didn't stop and think about how it would fit into the bigger picture. When my mind relaxed and felt content (graduation) my body worked and functioned well enough to produce a baby! (Without vitamins but with lots of rest I must admit)

Don't be scared to see the docs
Nearly 2 years of blood tests, 'examinations', ultrasounds, and other random pokes and prods confirmed biologically there was no reason for the losses. This was great relief, but one that I was too frightened to face initially. The worry over hearing the worst meant that I always put off going to the doctors. I might also add that after three miscarriages you are legally entitled to be referred for investigations - something which I only found out after having four and practically having to convince the doctors I needed this. You will not believe how many doctors tell you it's fine and it's just 'bad luck' and one in every four pregnancy ends in miscarriage... I mean for them to assume every early amalgamation of sperm and egg is a squishy baby would be heartbreaking if those stats are genuine, but for me it was (initially) hard not to. It's only natural to think of chubby cheeks, giggles and plan a whole life for you growing baby when you find out - it's exciting. But after a while (sadly) I did come to see it as just that - a misfortune of science! The idea of losing a baby, I made peace with, but the experience, not so much. From having that initial tummy cramp, which is an all too familiar sign of 'the beginning of the end' for the little soul I so cherished inside, to looking in the loo and making the devastating discovery and often having to remain strong and determined to find the 'important part' to whack into a medical specimen pot then putting all your emotions on hold while you and your husband rush to a and e so that your 'child' can be kept fresh enough in a medical refrigerator for examination, (this I did find very hard to deal with) to the grief and disbelief that follows after... It's HARD. And exhausting. But my god, don't give up with those doctors appointments for fear, anguish, stress - because those medical situations are the ones that have also given me weeks later, reassurance and the hope I so badly needed! Failing at pregnancy 7 times every time might lead anyone to believe that they are infertile or for some reason just will not ever have a baby! Hence, get these negative thoughts straight out of your head by 'passing' each medical test and reassure yourself. Some people im aware are might not, and might actually have medical conditions. But, there are developments in medicine all the time and many conditions - like womb shape abnormality (which is a very common cause of recurrent miscarriage) can be fixed! Sometimes it can be a simple blood test which shows your blood is somehow not compatible with pregnancy, and an injection or oral doses of pills can rectify the situation! It can be thyroid difficulties, also solvable with medical interventions - the list is endless ! So what I'm trying to get across is even if your tests aren't clear, there is often a fix! I developed the biggest respect for medicine, medical professionals and medical research - please rely on them and appreciate the wonderful (free) National Health Service who without I could never have afforded all my investigations.  

You are not alone
If you haven't gathered already, miscarriage is common. But from the above, by 'not alone' I'm sparing a thought for the husbands, the partners, the family and friends around. It is by no means shameful that you have not been able to carry a child. It's so easy to feel this way. The very real fear of 'looking like you're sympathy seeking' is a barrier that I faced and am even facing today. But I've learned that people are there to help, people want to help and they really ARE helpful. I'll never forget that feeling when my three girls sent me flowers - just the thought was lovely. Or when my work colleagues chipped in for the most massive bunch of M and S flowers and choc I had ever received. Or when my best friend just listened to the uncensored, details of the physical journey of miscarriage, without batting an eyelid. To those people - thank you - you all know who you are. Family, share the grief on a similar emotional path for it is their member that is no longer with us too. And the partners - God only knows mine experienced the pain and grief probably even worse. We'd decided we were devastated but 'OK because these things happen' the first time, and Joe had gone to work after the appointment where the ultrasound revealed no beating heart. 5 minutes later, I heard the rustling of shopping bags, the key in the door and a deflated looking Joe in the doorway, dropping all bags of shopping with tears in his eyes. This, broke me. It broke us. But it also made us stronger because we had a chance to rebuild each other, together. This sounds super cheesy and way emotional - but this is very personal, and so very true. Ladies, your partners are hurting. Mine is the manliest man who shows no weakness, but for this scenario, he sure did. And my response to this (probably wasn't the best) but was to shield him and try and experience subsequent miscarriages on my own - I couldn't bear to EVER see Joe that hurt again. Obviously, he did help and was there every time, but I put on the bravest face I could, because I just couldn't face him hurting like that again! As much as I hate to say it, such tragedies make you so much stronger.

Prepare for a (possible) hard pregnancy 
I was a zombie, SO sleepy for the first 12 weeks, sleeping on average 18-20 hours per day! Perfect middle section, then the last 3 months... Nearly broke me ! Gestational diabetes came first then was hit by high blood pressure which arrived with a vengeance! I'm not exactly sure why high blood pressure is such an issue but it sure is because I was in and out of hospital weekly (three times to be exact) to have it monitored; admitted to hospital countless times for overnight stays, medicated for it which was then increased to higher doses and each time worrying frantically about the baby and spending hours being hooked up to a CTG machine which monitors baby hearts! I lost my waters early and then wasn't going into labour quick enough and was induced. The last three months were a disgusting blurry mess, and it was topped off by a pretty difficult labour. Nearly 3 months post labour and I'm still struggling medically and physically to be fair, so it has NOT been an easy ride by any means. Again, I'm not a medical professional and have not done extensive research on miscarriages and difficulty of pregnancy, but for me, this really was the case and for some reason I can't help feeling that my body just was not made for bearing children and if I put it through the 9 months of having to, it will give me hell to pay for it !! 

It WILL be ok
I had come to terms so many times with the idea of not being able to have my own children. But a little part of me (and most parts of Joe) was telling me that yes I can. And we did. But if we hadn't, could I have adopted and loved that child the same ? Of course! I mean seriously, why not? For us, independent surrogacy could have been an option which is where the surrogate mother is not biologically linked to the baby, but is merely an 'oven' that bakes your baby and since all tests showed that my eggs (and joes sperm) were absolutely fine, just my oven wasn't working, I was definitely considering this as an option. But it costs a fortune because although the surrogates are not legally allowed to ask for money - they are entitled and it is indeed expected that the parents meet all costs of the surrogate mother relating to pregnancy - which could include WAGES if she can't work. That would take a lot of saving but one we were considering doing. Whatever the solution, properly researching it in detail will give you an idea of what works for you and all of a sudden, it will all begin to feel ok.

Everything happens for a reason
For my story, the outcome was to be eventually able to carry my own baby. I had made such peace with the idea of adopting that I still plan to adopt an angel alongside our beautiful baby Amelie. Would I have truly considered adopting if I had not gone through so many losses? Probably not. So maybe my future adopted child was dependent on all these miscarriages to gain a family. Who knows - that's too philosophical, but quite possible! I said everything happens for a reason... Perhaps I would have taken Amelie for granted had she not been so hard to carry? I do know, that the love this little girl receives is beyond any love Joe and I both could have ever given and she is at the forefront of everything we do. Maybe it's just made us as a couple stronger and closer bonded, which is a much happier home for our baby. Who knows. The best thing you can do is reflect upon and learn from the situation. Everything does happen for a reason, it's reflecting on the events that happen that can reveal what there is to be gained.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I do really hope that it can at least inspire you to never give up hope!