7 ways to survive solo-parenting while he travels for work

 If you're the other half of a traveling business man or any other person who travels for work, I'll raise my glass of bubbly or anything to you. This shit's hard. It's hard for any couple to spend weeks apart on a regular occasion on a yearly (and forever) basis but throw a baby into the picture and I've met my physical, emotional and sanity-level nemesis. I cry when the dreaded 'conversation' takes place. Every time I'm informed of a trip away I kind of switch off to the words that are coming out of joes mouth and get lost in my own head which is filling by the minute with worry and anxiety - and visions of screaming tantrums, poo and vom explosions; maybe a bit of piss too but that's become pretty commonplace these days. I think of the evening loneliness, the meals I eat alone, the telly I watch solo and the silence and lack of company that fills each evening. My childless self would indulge in copious amounts of booze and plan trips (on school nights) to visit friends and catch up - no, get drunk and love life. Maybe some evening exercise if I'm feeling adventurous. But I obviously can't do that now - nor do I really want to if I'm honest. I just want my husband to sit and have a meal with me and then sit next to me on his phone so I can moan at him for ignoring me. In the moment, that infuriates me (and half of the female population I'm sure) but during these weeks, I'd give anything just to sit next to my unsociable best bud! Heck id even throw him an iPad to join him and his phone!

So how do I survive it? I realised I have a few 'go-to' routine behaviours that keep cropping up whenever I'm having a silent breakdown in my head. Firstly, I think of how long I have left - then I evaluate my options! I'm kidding but being aware of time is important, so top tip number one is to PLAN AHEAD and set up a schedule of the week's activities.

1. Plan your week
It's obvious I try and keep busy and attempt to take my mind off of the fact that I will be single handedly changing every nappy for approximately 168 hours *cries at the thought* dealing with every aspect of care including feeding, bathing, dressing, changing to new outfits at every explosion or mess created on top of looking after myself whilst i
a) have a baby attached to me screaming if she's not
b) have a baby up to no good ie eating something not edible, getting stuck somewhere not 'fit-able' or falling over because at 11 months my kid still hasn't mastered crawling. Although I'm quite glad as I have no idea how I'd manage to go for even a wee if she was crawling let along a decent number 2! Once I practically had to beg my bum to stop going so I could take my tummy shuffling baby's hand out of the cats food bowl - so violating! So yeah, I have to manage all of that and although I'm close to tears, I don't want to come across like that to my daughter - I want to teach her that women are tough (because we are) so I can't crumble and wallow! Various visits to parks, zoos, family friends are all on the agenda and for me luckily I have pretty awesome buds who have all offered to meet up without me having to ask because they know how hard it is! I fully intend to dig out every membership I have stupidly signed up to and make use of it on my solo-parenting week.

2. Eat shit food
So in order to physically survive you need to eat! But chances are you will be so exhausted that cooking will be the lowest on your list of priorities. Cue ready meals, take aways, cakes, crisps (with dip), chocolate, biscuits pretty much everything that will make you feel better. I forgot ice cream, but I'm not a big fan of it really. Or if you're more health conscious than I am (I tend to be pretty healthy but I do let my guard down these weeks) just cook and freeze loads of meals. If you're brave, go out for one! With a friend or with your bub, sod it, it'll kill a few hours in the lonely evenings won't it?

3. Pick an evening project
It's the evenings that eat away at me and I can just about cope but how the hell do I tell a baby that doesn't really understand much, where her Daddy is? How do I explain that he'll be back, how do I tackle trying to understand or tackle her little emotions ? I don't. I just distract her. We quite often have messy play or soft play late afternoon sessions, but she expects her dad for dinner bath or bedtime and when he isn't there, I've planned to distract her with a project. Currently we are working a a VW camper van style car for her to sit in and play, plus take part in painting, gluing and decorating afterwards. (I attempted creating the ninky nonk as it has 3 sections but realised I was out of my mind, so we changed it)

4. Stay in touch
Joe's usually pretty good at this when its Europe, but with an 8 hour time difference, he'll be having to say good night to Amelie at 9am (his time) and probably never a good morning unless he wants to get up at midnight or worse - me subject our kid to a most likely drunk conversation. So no, we just say good night which will probably make bedtime super hard for us both but at least we stick to a schedule. We always agree on a must chat time and 'would be nice to chat' time and agree to text throughout the day. And if Joe doesn't stick to it, I'll be on a flight to meet him wherever he may be and that way Amelie and I can stay in touch with him. I'm joking; luckily he's usually pretty good!

5. Read
I'm partial to a good book and feel so guilty reading for hours in the evening when I should be sociable so business trips always mean I can get into a good book or two. It fills my evening and let's me escape isolation, but also makes me tired which is a bonus for me as I have serious anxiety when joes not around and can never sleep!

6. Binge watch tv
One of the hardest things about marriage is tv. There aren't many programmes we both like and I always give in and miss out on my programmes, so for my evenings riding solo, I make it my job to catch up on everything!

7. Reward yourself
Keep the end in sight and know when your break will come. Most importantly do not settle for just a normal day! Plan a bitch of a day as soon as the husb is back and able to be on baby duty and treat yourself! In my case one of my favs is coming for the weekend on this occasion and I absolutely CANNOT wait for dinner out with my girlies then a mani/pedi the next day! I'll be fair and share a little baby bit but one thing is for sure - I'm having at least an entire day off and I'm not doing bath or bed time. Joe might have been away working and be shattered - but I have been working round the clock without a break whilst he's been getting full nights sleeps. PLURAL. So my advice would be take what you're owed - and some!

So that's it! For the emotional times as cringy as it seems, a simple tshirt or cuddle on his pillow makes all the difference! That and I always have this weird thing where the last day we spend together I never want to end - so I take a good few pics that day and it kinda makes the moment last all week for me! Emosh stuff is weird but whatever works for you!

Ps have a bath, keep the heating on to your heart's content and don't worry about brushing your hair or looking nice because there's no one there to see it, it's not all that bad!

We're going on a family holiday

Suitcase? Check. Holiday reads? Packed! Nails done - *sighs* no. Baby? Of course. Ever wonder what it's like to holiday with a baby? Me too; all the time! Not! I have never been so stressed or have I ever fret so much about packing the right thing, and the right amount of everything! Of course I thought of every scenario and packed the ENTIRE medicine cabinet. Armed with Calpol and the like, (basically the baby aisle of any supermarket or boots pharmacy) I stood feeling helpless over my suitcase. Not only because I was running out of space but also because I didn't know the first thing about holidays with a 10 month old! Bottles? Luckily she could make do with a few and I wasn't desperately reliant on the perfect prep machine anymore - we could just use a little bit of boiling water to dissolve the milk and top up with cold... So as long as I had a flask - shit the flask! I didn't know where the flask was, and it was coming up to 11:30 pm, the night before our 9am flight the next morning. #mumlife ?

Long sleeved, short sleeved tops and bottoms, change of clothes for sick, wee or poo, sleepsuits, swim nappies, normal nappies, toys, the HAND BLENDER... The LOT. But what might be more useful might be if I compiled a quick list of things I forgot. Just in case anyone goes on hol and might find it useful. Btw - baby milk and food pouches are totally ok to take on board a plane and there are no 100ml or less restrictions in place. So here's what i forgot:

1. Washing up liquid (for bottles)
2. Teat pipe cleaners
3. Sponge - because I was washing up with the toothbrush the hotel provided!!!!
4. Sudocrem (we ran out)
5. Buggy with a shade - we took a sun umbrella which was shockingly unhelpful

So aside from those, we had everything and we made our way to the airport. Long story short, a combination of relationship drama, baby drama and traffic drama led to us making our flight with LITERALLY only 10 minutes before check in closed! So it was no duty free shopping for me, or pre flight beers for Joe but a run (actual run) to the gate!

We made it. We sat comfortably on the plane, milk in hand, ready to give to Amelie to help with the possibility of popping ears during take off. No dramas there either - she was an angel. A (weirdly) wide awake angel despite the 6am start, but perfectly behaved. Aside from stroking the bald patch on the man in front, and a little wriggling around, she was perfect. Joe was living in a different world at this point still - and pre ordered a bottle of champagne which we wrestled from Amelie and eventually wedged down the side of him - making him freezing cold and very cramped for space. The actual cups of champs were either guarded incessantly or downed so as to avoid Amelie playing 'splash splash'. Then it dawned on us how irresponsible we must look - downing alcohol whilst clutching a kid - so I stopped drinking and Joe got basically a little past tipsy. So it was time for a family nap. Not long after lunch, (my lunch; Amelie ate my ENTIRE toastie except the crusts) she fell asleep. And I starved for another approximately 3 hours until we arrived at the hotel. But none of us were drunk, so we resumed our classy family holiday.

Normally I can't wait to dive into the cocktails (promise I'm not an alcoholic) on an all inclusive holiday.. This time I couldn't wait for a shower and a nap! Amelie had other plans though, so we went for a lovely late afternoon walk and got our bearings. The sun and heat had hit the spot, and so had the first (and only) gulp of holiday beer!  

Our adventures were great we got in some pool time, nightly visits to the children's disco -where Amelie learnt to shout and jump with excitement - and sunny walks coupled with sand play. We were loving life! I can safely say I feel 100% at ease with going out for a meal and I'm so proud to say Amelie mastered the art of chewing this holiday. The downside was that the restaurant meals were not low salt, low sugar or baby friendly and I had probably been way over generous with Amelies chocolate ice cream, mousse and sauce intake. She's allowed chocolate or cake or biscuits once a week and twice maximum... She'd exceeded her maximum allowance by the second hour of the plane journey, and had had a years worth of her allowance by the end of day 2 at the resort! Her fruit intake was on point though and we'd added watermelon and kiwi to the end of each meal - she was loving it! The staff, not so much as she worked out how not to spit and drop everything out of her mouth.

We hired a car too and got really lucky as it fell on Amelies nap time and we got to actually enjoy a couple of hours in the mountains as a couple engaging in adult talk. It was bliss! Best part? Joe and I were in the sun and the back of the car was totally shaded so for that, SEAT, Ibiza, I LOVE you (as far as cars go anyway) she pooed no joke, 4 times and kept to her usual 'once-the-car-moves-I-poo' trend.

Having had a really successful hour long coach transfer and plane journey on the way there, I was skeptical and worried for the way back.. But, she was great again and made our first family holiday officially a success!

We had a great time and came back very refreshed; albeit a little freezingg as it had snowed!

Feeling the Mum-Guilt

Mum guilt... Not the one, I'll tell you now.

Shouting
When you've tried your hardest to remain resilient to your child's tantrum, meltdown or generic scream-fest and have done a frikking epic job to stay patient - or at least look it from the outside; you're silently congratulating yourself (to yourself) for not losing your shit... and there's still no result. Because your child has still not let up! So you shout. Result; the drama ends because your child knows you mean business. Real result? You feel guilty because they look so shocked. I can't say I shout at Amelie often - think I've shouted at her twice but regret it instantly and feel crap for the rest of the day. I'm not a fan of shouting! Stern words maybe on occasion but not shouting.

Mess
God this one is my number one. I constantly feel obliged to tidy because I'm the one at home but then again, I'm also on my own.. With a baby! So 90% of the time the house is a tip.. Oops. And Joe and I tidy it together in the evening if we can be bothered! And 100% of the time except for the odd day each month, he cooks. And yes I feel an incredible amount of guilt about that too!

So if I haven't got my point across yet then it's only fair to say that feeling guilty is a totally new feeling for me. Before becoming a mum, if I didn't do something - I'd just resolve it by planning to do it another time. Trouble is now, I don't always have the time. Sometimes I have to really pull it together and tidy the house AND put laundry away (and even put laundry on sometimes) but then yep, you guessed it: I feel guilty for not sitting all day playing with Amelie and giving her a little more tv or jumperoo time than I would generally!

 Not meeting friends
This one is particularly hard because I've come to accept that I can no longer lead the life I used to but am unsure whether all of my friends have - I don't want them to think I'm a bore these days but half the time I make plans Amelie sleeps awful, becomes poorly, needy or something comes up for Joe and I'm stuck for childcare.
So the rare opportunity I do get to meet up with the girls - I probably talk too much, drink too much or something-else-too-much, so I feel guilty! I mean obviously have a great time too, it just becomes nearly impossible to shut the mum-guilt voice in my head up!

For those that are reading and thinking this girl suffers from anxiety - yes, yes I do! Ever since pregnancy and giving birth it's something that affects me lots and I struggle with every day! But the point is, mum guilt just exists, it doesn't sit on my mind nor does it linger, so it's not an issue, it's more of a realisation!

Tv time
Is tv ever educational? Well I think yes- Amelie learnt to say hello and she interacts with the Teletubbies continuously; then replicates these social interactions with me later in the day. Would I sit her in front of it all day? No. But I do need a shower, a few wees and a definite poo in a day, and rather than worry about her - if the telly is on, I feel safe in the knowledge she's engaged for a few minutes. So, it's free childcare as far as I'm concerned.

Wife duties
Be it dates, sex or just attention I am s-l-a-c-k-i-n-g in that department! On every level. I take out my anger on my husband way too often, and just don't have the energy to be a good wife, and this guilt does linger and it's the one I try hardest to eradicate. I WANT to change this one! But I do feel men often don't understand quite how hard it is looking after a tiny person all day!

The cat
My cuddle buddy - just don't physically have time to play with him much and I can just about squeeze in a cuddle in the evening or during ammies nap! He obviously gets fed but I used to be routine with his meal times and snack/treat times but now it's sometime in the morning and sometime in the evening and he even gets seconds if he wants some in the day!

Hygiene/grooming
I used to floss daily now it's like 3 times a week max, used to shave meticulously now it's if I'm going anywhere. These days I don't ever wear nail varnish.. My pink pedicure from like 6 months ago has just grown out and looks as though I have pink French tips and my nails haven't been painted in the same time. It's obviously not the greatest look and I do feel some level of guilt but that's just it, I feel the least amount of guilty for neglecting myself and I can't figure out why the hell that is. Being a mum, you do learn to put yourself last, but it is important to make time for yourself too because as a mum you do come last, but just because you're a mum doesn't mean your whole identity is consumed by your motherly status! You are still you and whilst I can dish out this advice it's much harder for me to take it!

We as mums give ourselves so much stick and set such high [unachievable] expectations but why? We work 24-7 literally with no breaks, no holidays and no sick days; and will ourselves to essentially become machines whilst the little ones are still so dependent on us - yet we still self-critisize. Like somehow giving everything of yourself is not enough. We spend hours bigging up our mum associates and helping them to feel better, whilst living by a totally different standard when it comes to ourselves and our own situation; like we're not worthy of self-praise. I challenge anyone not just mums to go to sleep thinking of all the things they are proud of themselves for during the day that has passed, rather than mulling over things they got wrong. The answer? It's hard. We reflect on the negative to better ourselves and improve our skills, but what if we just accepted that were trying our absolute best and give our utmost everything and sometimes messing up or losing our shit is just normal and in fact, pretty healthy.

So why mum guilt and by the bucket load? No idea! But I have a feeling I'm not alone in feeling it!

Thanks for reading xx