Feeling the Mum-Guilt

Mum guilt... Not the one, I'll tell you now.

Shouting
When you've tried your hardest to remain resilient to your child's tantrum, meltdown or generic scream-fest and have done a frikking epic job to stay patient - or at least look it from the outside; you're silently congratulating yourself (to yourself) for not losing your shit... and there's still no result. Because your child has still not let up! So you shout. Result; the drama ends because your child knows you mean business. Real result? You feel guilty because they look so shocked. I can't say I shout at Amelie often - think I've shouted at her twice but regret it instantly and feel crap for the rest of the day. I'm not a fan of shouting! Stern words maybe on occasion but not shouting.

Mess
God this one is my number one. I constantly feel obliged to tidy because I'm the one at home but then again, I'm also on my own.. With a baby! So 90% of the time the house is a tip.. Oops. And Joe and I tidy it together in the evening if we can be bothered! And 100% of the time except for the odd day each month, he cooks. And yes I feel an incredible amount of guilt about that too!

So if I haven't got my point across yet then it's only fair to say that feeling guilty is a totally new feeling for me. Before becoming a mum, if I didn't do something - I'd just resolve it by planning to do it another time. Trouble is now, I don't always have the time. Sometimes I have to really pull it together and tidy the house AND put laundry away (and even put laundry on sometimes) but then yep, you guessed it: I feel guilty for not sitting all day playing with Amelie and giving her a little more tv or jumperoo time than I would generally!

 Not meeting friends
This one is particularly hard because I've come to accept that I can no longer lead the life I used to but am unsure whether all of my friends have - I don't want them to think I'm a bore these days but half the time I make plans Amelie sleeps awful, becomes poorly, needy or something comes up for Joe and I'm stuck for childcare.
So the rare opportunity I do get to meet up with the girls - I probably talk too much, drink too much or something-else-too-much, so I feel guilty! I mean obviously have a great time too, it just becomes nearly impossible to shut the mum-guilt voice in my head up!

For those that are reading and thinking this girl suffers from anxiety - yes, yes I do! Ever since pregnancy and giving birth it's something that affects me lots and I struggle with every day! But the point is, mum guilt just exists, it doesn't sit on my mind nor does it linger, so it's not an issue, it's more of a realisation!

Tv time
Is tv ever educational? Well I think yes- Amelie learnt to say hello and she interacts with the Teletubbies continuously; then replicates these social interactions with me later in the day. Would I sit her in front of it all day? No. But I do need a shower, a few wees and a definite poo in a day, and rather than worry about her - if the telly is on, I feel safe in the knowledge she's engaged for a few minutes. So, it's free childcare as far as I'm concerned.

Wife duties
Be it dates, sex or just attention I am s-l-a-c-k-i-n-g in that department! On every level. I take out my anger on my husband way too often, and just don't have the energy to be a good wife, and this guilt does linger and it's the one I try hardest to eradicate. I WANT to change this one! But I do feel men often don't understand quite how hard it is looking after a tiny person all day!

The cat
My cuddle buddy - just don't physically have time to play with him much and I can just about squeeze in a cuddle in the evening or during ammies nap! He obviously gets fed but I used to be routine with his meal times and snack/treat times but now it's sometime in the morning and sometime in the evening and he even gets seconds if he wants some in the day!

Hygiene/grooming
I used to floss daily now it's like 3 times a week max, used to shave meticulously now it's if I'm going anywhere. These days I don't ever wear nail varnish.. My pink pedicure from like 6 months ago has just grown out and looks as though I have pink French tips and my nails haven't been painted in the same time. It's obviously not the greatest look and I do feel some level of guilt but that's just it, I feel the least amount of guilty for neglecting myself and I can't figure out why the hell that is. Being a mum, you do learn to put yourself last, but it is important to make time for yourself too because as a mum you do come last, but just because you're a mum doesn't mean your whole identity is consumed by your motherly status! You are still you and whilst I can dish out this advice it's much harder for me to take it!

We as mums give ourselves so much stick and set such high [unachievable] expectations but why? We work 24-7 literally with no breaks, no holidays and no sick days; and will ourselves to essentially become machines whilst the little ones are still so dependent on us - yet we still self-critisize. Like somehow giving everything of yourself is not enough. We spend hours bigging up our mum associates and helping them to feel better, whilst living by a totally different standard when it comes to ourselves and our own situation; like we're not worthy of self-praise. I challenge anyone not just mums to go to sleep thinking of all the things they are proud of themselves for during the day that has passed, rather than mulling over things they got wrong. The answer? It's hard. We reflect on the negative to better ourselves and improve our skills, but what if we just accepted that were trying our absolute best and give our utmost everything and sometimes messing up or losing our shit is just normal and in fact, pretty healthy.

So why mum guilt and by the bucket load? No idea! But I have a feeling I'm not alone in feeling it!

Thanks for reading xx