the independent learner: leaving your child to it?

Am I a bad Mum for encouraging independence ?

We are the generation who lead 'perfect' lives, who do no wrong and behave with the knowledge that we exist in the public eye on social media platforms. And that comes with a serious amount of effort on one's part to conform to societal expectations on so many levels. Parenting? Observed and judged like no other!

It recently occurred to me at play groups. As I sat cosy on a chair, delving into my phone and a cuppa whilst my child played (happily) in the middle space which was filled with toys, I caught glimpse of a watchful eye. Why was this woman staring at me? Uneasy, I carried on reading about how I can best achieve flat abs in 6 weeks (partly because I didn't believe it was possible, and because I so longed for a shift in my post pregnancy acquired flab-band) but I couldn't help looking up every few seconds to check if the stare had shifted. It hadn't. It had multiplied! The parent/grandparent duo sat intently next to their chunky monkey of a child were searching for (me) the mother of this little girl who was gorilla crawling across the large open space of play area. God forbid kids actually explore, and move from the station of toys at which they are initially put, right? Why shouldn't my kid, who has spotted a train track across the hall make her own way over, away from the building block area at which I had left her? 

What I believe: I think it promotes independence. 

How it feels: a milliongazzilion eyes on the mother who is glued to her phone and has left her kid to it.

The walls of any (ok, many) play areas are plastered with 'please ensure your child is supervised throughout the session' posters. Shit! That's why I look like a god-awful mum. But truth be told, I am supervising. In between sentences, I'm always taking a glance over Amelie's way. Hell, if I was so detached from the world and stuck in my phone I wouldn't have noticed the judgemental stares. Why are the mums sat in pairs gossiping not getting funny looks? One kid had pushed over at least 4 babies for zero bloody reason, yet his mother is oblivious because she's still talking about the ingrown hairs on her armpit (true story) and getting advice from her friend about whether waxing alleviates such traumas in comparison to standard shaving. Mine? She's just exploring her little play world (probably only for another 5 minutes before I head over and offer her some company) unless some kid clambers over to make friends with her... In which case I leave her to socialise. Yes, I let her take toys from other kids, and yes I leave her to it if others take from her. But I keep a watchful eye. Why should I be there to limit and butt in on every encounter. If she looks to be upsetting another child or vice versa of course I'll be there in a flash. Same can be said for when she's attempting to climb on a toy she clearly cannot use, but why is it not ok to leave our babies to it otherwise? Am I alone in thinking it's good for them?

I have no real 'point' or conclusion on this - this is just like a little memoir type post and would love to hear publicly or privately if anyone else thinks this way or if I'm getting it all wrong once again! 

#mumhelpneeded 

7 ways to survive solo-parenting while he travels for work

 If you're the other half of a traveling business man or any other person who travels for work, I'll raise my glass of bubbly or anything to you. This shit's hard. It's hard for any couple to spend weeks apart on a regular occasion on a yearly (and forever) basis but throw a baby into the picture and I've met my physical, emotional and sanity-level nemesis. I cry when the dreaded 'conversation' takes place. Every time I'm informed of a trip away I kind of switch off to the words that are coming out of joes mouth and get lost in my own head which is filling by the minute with worry and anxiety - and visions of screaming tantrums, poo and vom explosions; maybe a bit of piss too but that's become pretty commonplace these days. I think of the evening loneliness, the meals I eat alone, the telly I watch solo and the silence and lack of company that fills each evening. My childless self would indulge in copious amounts of booze and plan trips (on school nights) to visit friends and catch up - no, get drunk and love life. Maybe some evening exercise if I'm feeling adventurous. But I obviously can't do that now - nor do I really want to if I'm honest. I just want my husband to sit and have a meal with me and then sit next to me on his phone so I can moan at him for ignoring me. In the moment, that infuriates me (and half of the female population I'm sure) but during these weeks, I'd give anything just to sit next to my unsociable best bud! Heck id even throw him an iPad to join him and his phone!

So how do I survive it? I realised I have a few 'go-to' routine behaviours that keep cropping up whenever I'm having a silent breakdown in my head. Firstly, I think of how long I have left - then I evaluate my options! I'm kidding but being aware of time is important, so top tip number one is to PLAN AHEAD and set up a schedule of the week's activities.

1. Plan your week
It's obvious I try and keep busy and attempt to take my mind off of the fact that I will be single handedly changing every nappy for approximately 168 hours *cries at the thought* dealing with every aspect of care including feeding, bathing, dressing, changing to new outfits at every explosion or mess created on top of looking after myself whilst i
a) have a baby attached to me screaming if she's not
b) have a baby up to no good ie eating something not edible, getting stuck somewhere not 'fit-able' or falling over because at 11 months my kid still hasn't mastered crawling. Although I'm quite glad as I have no idea how I'd manage to go for even a wee if she was crawling let along a decent number 2! Once I practically had to beg my bum to stop going so I could take my tummy shuffling baby's hand out of the cats food bowl - so violating! So yeah, I have to manage all of that and although I'm close to tears, I don't want to come across like that to my daughter - I want to teach her that women are tough (because we are) so I can't crumble and wallow! Various visits to parks, zoos, family friends are all on the agenda and for me luckily I have pretty awesome buds who have all offered to meet up without me having to ask because they know how hard it is! I fully intend to dig out every membership I have stupidly signed up to and make use of it on my solo-parenting week.

2. Eat shit food
So in order to physically survive you need to eat! But chances are you will be so exhausted that cooking will be the lowest on your list of priorities. Cue ready meals, take aways, cakes, crisps (with dip), chocolate, biscuits pretty much everything that will make you feel better. I forgot ice cream, but I'm not a big fan of it really. Or if you're more health conscious than I am (I tend to be pretty healthy but I do let my guard down these weeks) just cook and freeze loads of meals. If you're brave, go out for one! With a friend or with your bub, sod it, it'll kill a few hours in the lonely evenings won't it?

3. Pick an evening project
It's the evenings that eat away at me and I can just about cope but how the hell do I tell a baby that doesn't really understand much, where her Daddy is? How do I explain that he'll be back, how do I tackle trying to understand or tackle her little emotions ? I don't. I just distract her. We quite often have messy play or soft play late afternoon sessions, but she expects her dad for dinner bath or bedtime and when he isn't there, I've planned to distract her with a project. Currently we are working a a VW camper van style car for her to sit in and play, plus take part in painting, gluing and decorating afterwards. (I attempted creating the ninky nonk as it has 3 sections but realised I was out of my mind, so we changed it)

4. Stay in touch
Joe's usually pretty good at this when its Europe, but with an 8 hour time difference, he'll be having to say good night to Amelie at 9am (his time) and probably never a good morning unless he wants to get up at midnight or worse - me subject our kid to a most likely drunk conversation. So no, we just say good night which will probably make bedtime super hard for us both but at least we stick to a schedule. We always agree on a must chat time and 'would be nice to chat' time and agree to text throughout the day. And if Joe doesn't stick to it, I'll be on a flight to meet him wherever he may be and that way Amelie and I can stay in touch with him. I'm joking; luckily he's usually pretty good!

5. Read
I'm partial to a good book and feel so guilty reading for hours in the evening when I should be sociable so business trips always mean I can get into a good book or two. It fills my evening and let's me escape isolation, but also makes me tired which is a bonus for me as I have serious anxiety when joes not around and can never sleep!

6. Binge watch tv
One of the hardest things about marriage is tv. There aren't many programmes we both like and I always give in and miss out on my programmes, so for my evenings riding solo, I make it my job to catch up on everything!

7. Reward yourself
Keep the end in sight and know when your break will come. Most importantly do not settle for just a normal day! Plan a bitch of a day as soon as the husb is back and able to be on baby duty and treat yourself! In my case one of my favs is coming for the weekend on this occasion and I absolutely CANNOT wait for dinner out with my girlies then a mani/pedi the next day! I'll be fair and share a little baby bit but one thing is for sure - I'm having at least an entire day off and I'm not doing bath or bed time. Joe might have been away working and be shattered - but I have been working round the clock without a break whilst he's been getting full nights sleeps. PLURAL. So my advice would be take what you're owed - and some!

So that's it! For the emotional times as cringy as it seems, a simple tshirt or cuddle on his pillow makes all the difference! That and I always have this weird thing where the last day we spend together I never want to end - so I take a good few pics that day and it kinda makes the moment last all week for me! Emosh stuff is weird but whatever works for you!

Ps have a bath, keep the heating on to your heart's content and don't worry about brushing your hair or looking nice because there's no one there to see it, it's not all that bad!

We're going on a family holiday

Suitcase? Check. Holiday reads? Packed! Nails done - *sighs* no. Baby? Of course. Ever wonder what it's like to holiday with a baby? Me too; all the time! Not! I have never been so stressed or have I ever fret so much about packing the right thing, and the right amount of everything! Of course I thought of every scenario and packed the ENTIRE medicine cabinet. Armed with Calpol and the like, (basically the baby aisle of any supermarket or boots pharmacy) I stood feeling helpless over my suitcase. Not only because I was running out of space but also because I didn't know the first thing about holidays with a 10 month old! Bottles? Luckily she could make do with a few and I wasn't desperately reliant on the perfect prep machine anymore - we could just use a little bit of boiling water to dissolve the milk and top up with cold... So as long as I had a flask - shit the flask! I didn't know where the flask was, and it was coming up to 11:30 pm, the night before our 9am flight the next morning. #mumlife ?

Long sleeved, short sleeved tops and bottoms, change of clothes for sick, wee or poo, sleepsuits, swim nappies, normal nappies, toys, the HAND BLENDER... The LOT. But what might be more useful might be if I compiled a quick list of things I forgot. Just in case anyone goes on hol and might find it useful. Btw - baby milk and food pouches are totally ok to take on board a plane and there are no 100ml or less restrictions in place. So here's what i forgot:

1. Washing up liquid (for bottles)
2. Teat pipe cleaners
3. Sponge - because I was washing up with the toothbrush the hotel provided!!!!
4. Sudocrem (we ran out)
5. Buggy with a shade - we took a sun umbrella which was shockingly unhelpful

So aside from those, we had everything and we made our way to the airport. Long story short, a combination of relationship drama, baby drama and traffic drama led to us making our flight with LITERALLY only 10 minutes before check in closed! So it was no duty free shopping for me, or pre flight beers for Joe but a run (actual run) to the gate!

We made it. We sat comfortably on the plane, milk in hand, ready to give to Amelie to help with the possibility of popping ears during take off. No dramas there either - she was an angel. A (weirdly) wide awake angel despite the 6am start, but perfectly behaved. Aside from stroking the bald patch on the man in front, and a little wriggling around, she was perfect. Joe was living in a different world at this point still - and pre ordered a bottle of champagne which we wrestled from Amelie and eventually wedged down the side of him - making him freezing cold and very cramped for space. The actual cups of champs were either guarded incessantly or downed so as to avoid Amelie playing 'splash splash'. Then it dawned on us how irresponsible we must look - downing alcohol whilst clutching a kid - so I stopped drinking and Joe got basically a little past tipsy. So it was time for a family nap. Not long after lunch, (my lunch; Amelie ate my ENTIRE toastie except the crusts) she fell asleep. And I starved for another approximately 3 hours until we arrived at the hotel. But none of us were drunk, so we resumed our classy family holiday.

Normally I can't wait to dive into the cocktails (promise I'm not an alcoholic) on an all inclusive holiday.. This time I couldn't wait for a shower and a nap! Amelie had other plans though, so we went for a lovely late afternoon walk and got our bearings. The sun and heat had hit the spot, and so had the first (and only) gulp of holiday beer!  

Our adventures were great we got in some pool time, nightly visits to the children's disco -where Amelie learnt to shout and jump with excitement - and sunny walks coupled with sand play. We were loving life! I can safely say I feel 100% at ease with going out for a meal and I'm so proud to say Amelie mastered the art of chewing this holiday. The downside was that the restaurant meals were not low salt, low sugar or baby friendly and I had probably been way over generous with Amelies chocolate ice cream, mousse and sauce intake. She's allowed chocolate or cake or biscuits once a week and twice maximum... She'd exceeded her maximum allowance by the second hour of the plane journey, and had had a years worth of her allowance by the end of day 2 at the resort! Her fruit intake was on point though and we'd added watermelon and kiwi to the end of each meal - she was loving it! The staff, not so much as she worked out how not to spit and drop everything out of her mouth.

We hired a car too and got really lucky as it fell on Amelies nap time and we got to actually enjoy a couple of hours in the mountains as a couple engaging in adult talk. It was bliss! Best part? Joe and I were in the sun and the back of the car was totally shaded so for that, SEAT, Ibiza, I LOVE you (as far as cars go anyway) she pooed no joke, 4 times and kept to her usual 'once-the-car-moves-I-poo' trend.

Having had a really successful hour long coach transfer and plane journey on the way there, I was skeptical and worried for the way back.. But, she was great again and made our first family holiday officially a success!

We had a great time and came back very refreshed; albeit a little freezingg as it had snowed!

Feeling the Mum-Guilt

Mum guilt... Not the one, I'll tell you now.

Shouting
When you've tried your hardest to remain resilient to your child's tantrum, meltdown or generic scream-fest and have done a frikking epic job to stay patient - or at least look it from the outside; you're silently congratulating yourself (to yourself) for not losing your shit... and there's still no result. Because your child has still not let up! So you shout. Result; the drama ends because your child knows you mean business. Real result? You feel guilty because they look so shocked. I can't say I shout at Amelie often - think I've shouted at her twice but regret it instantly and feel crap for the rest of the day. I'm not a fan of shouting! Stern words maybe on occasion but not shouting.

Mess
God this one is my number one. I constantly feel obliged to tidy because I'm the one at home but then again, I'm also on my own.. With a baby! So 90% of the time the house is a tip.. Oops. And Joe and I tidy it together in the evening if we can be bothered! And 100% of the time except for the odd day each month, he cooks. And yes I feel an incredible amount of guilt about that too!

So if I haven't got my point across yet then it's only fair to say that feeling guilty is a totally new feeling for me. Before becoming a mum, if I didn't do something - I'd just resolve it by planning to do it another time. Trouble is now, I don't always have the time. Sometimes I have to really pull it together and tidy the house AND put laundry away (and even put laundry on sometimes) but then yep, you guessed it: I feel guilty for not sitting all day playing with Amelie and giving her a little more tv or jumperoo time than I would generally!

 Not meeting friends
This one is particularly hard because I've come to accept that I can no longer lead the life I used to but am unsure whether all of my friends have - I don't want them to think I'm a bore these days but half the time I make plans Amelie sleeps awful, becomes poorly, needy or something comes up for Joe and I'm stuck for childcare.
So the rare opportunity I do get to meet up with the girls - I probably talk too much, drink too much or something-else-too-much, so I feel guilty! I mean obviously have a great time too, it just becomes nearly impossible to shut the mum-guilt voice in my head up!

For those that are reading and thinking this girl suffers from anxiety - yes, yes I do! Ever since pregnancy and giving birth it's something that affects me lots and I struggle with every day! But the point is, mum guilt just exists, it doesn't sit on my mind nor does it linger, so it's not an issue, it's more of a realisation!

Tv time
Is tv ever educational? Well I think yes- Amelie learnt to say hello and she interacts with the Teletubbies continuously; then replicates these social interactions with me later in the day. Would I sit her in front of it all day? No. But I do need a shower, a few wees and a definite poo in a day, and rather than worry about her - if the telly is on, I feel safe in the knowledge she's engaged for a few minutes. So, it's free childcare as far as I'm concerned.

Wife duties
Be it dates, sex or just attention I am s-l-a-c-k-i-n-g in that department! On every level. I take out my anger on my husband way too often, and just don't have the energy to be a good wife, and this guilt does linger and it's the one I try hardest to eradicate. I WANT to change this one! But I do feel men often don't understand quite how hard it is looking after a tiny person all day!

The cat
My cuddle buddy - just don't physically have time to play with him much and I can just about squeeze in a cuddle in the evening or during ammies nap! He obviously gets fed but I used to be routine with his meal times and snack/treat times but now it's sometime in the morning and sometime in the evening and he even gets seconds if he wants some in the day!

Hygiene/grooming
I used to floss daily now it's like 3 times a week max, used to shave meticulously now it's if I'm going anywhere. These days I don't ever wear nail varnish.. My pink pedicure from like 6 months ago has just grown out and looks as though I have pink French tips and my nails haven't been painted in the same time. It's obviously not the greatest look and I do feel some level of guilt but that's just it, I feel the least amount of guilty for neglecting myself and I can't figure out why the hell that is. Being a mum, you do learn to put yourself last, but it is important to make time for yourself too because as a mum you do come last, but just because you're a mum doesn't mean your whole identity is consumed by your motherly status! You are still you and whilst I can dish out this advice it's much harder for me to take it!

We as mums give ourselves so much stick and set such high [unachievable] expectations but why? We work 24-7 literally with no breaks, no holidays and no sick days; and will ourselves to essentially become machines whilst the little ones are still so dependent on us - yet we still self-critisize. Like somehow giving everything of yourself is not enough. We spend hours bigging up our mum associates and helping them to feel better, whilst living by a totally different standard when it comes to ourselves and our own situation; like we're not worthy of self-praise. I challenge anyone not just mums to go to sleep thinking of all the things they are proud of themselves for during the day that has passed, rather than mulling over things they got wrong. The answer? It's hard. We reflect on the negative to better ourselves and improve our skills, but what if we just accepted that were trying our absolute best and give our utmost everything and sometimes messing up or losing our shit is just normal and in fact, pretty healthy.

So why mum guilt and by the bucket load? No idea! But I have a feeling I'm not alone in feeling it!

Thanks for reading xx

Christmas is a mere few sleeps away and I'm so excited! But not in the I'm-gunna-eat-my-weight-in-food-and-drink-way-too-much-wine way, but with a totally different outlook - Santa. And reindeer. And elves. - magic. Christmas this year is a very different experience. For a start, all month has been filled with festive baking, card making, random crafting and Christmas grotto stalking whenever, wherever; but what's most exciting about my first Christmas as a parent is that it's a perfect excuse to pretend.

We have hung the stockings ready for Santa to fill and we decorated our tree but (unlike last year) left it completely empty underneath until we get to bombard the tree with pressies on Christmas Eve ready to watch Amelie's little face as she discovers the sudden change over night! Not that she understands, but we do - and let's face it Joe and I need a good couple of practice goes at this stuff before she's old enough to realise what this Christmas stuff is all about. We've also been baking Christmas cookies - and yes they turned out gross and totally not any colour despite using a shed load of red and green food colouring - oops, at least Amelie had fun making them! Most importantly, we've got our 'Santa plate' ready to fill with milk and cookies and maybe a carrot for rudolf - but most certainly a whisky on the side, because the Santa in this household is partial to one of those, right Joe?

So I can't say I'm not excited. Our first as a family, but for me it's also a bit of an odd predicament. My family has grown with the arrival of our daughter, but it's also shrunk since the loss of my grandma. I've really come to love the saying 'it's not what's under the tree, but who is around it' because it's only when you don't have the option to have certain people there, that you really appreciate those that are.

I'm not going to bang on about how lucky and thankful I am for my two sidekicks that make up my family - instead I'm going to take a minute to remember those who aren't any longer with us, think of those whose predicament maybe isn't so great in this current situation. Not everyone is blessed with a large family, many are fighting battles related to family circumstances, illness or financial matters. I spent one Christmas totally alone a few years ago. I was so ill I couldn't even move, and didn't see it appropriate to ruin everyone else's Christmas (and to be fair I honestly couldn't move and just slept all week) and it was the worst feeling in the world - so lonely! So if you can, smile at the stranger who smiles at you randomly in the street, give that elderly person the comfort of a conversation when they start one while you're out and about, and maybe check in on your neighbours or pop a Christmas card through! Not everyone is filled with joy this time of year.

I do want to end on a positive though and I thought I'd compile a list of things that (like everything else) changes when you're a parent. (And no I'm not talking about my pelvic floors... But yes they're still shit!)

1. It's so hard not to give your kid their present early. I've actually given and replaced three of Amelie's toys!
2. You can't drink like you used to! For us Christmas was always about finishing work, stuffing our face with Christmas food and drinking glass after glass of wine.
3. You can't go out for festivities with friends - or at least not until you've sorted a baby sitter but that's EXTREMELY hard on Christmas Eve!
4. You send Christmas cards - to everyone... Because you're a grown up now (pahahaha)
5. You have to surrender at least 75% of the presents you would have received because the new person in the limelight is the new addition - and guess what? You LOVE it and it doesn't bother you in the slightest.
6. You wrap your own present. I actually wrapped one of my own this year!
7. You have to put your tree somewhere out of reach like on a table.
8. You visit EVERYONE. Because they wanna see your kid - and because you wanna hand over your kid and catch a break.
9. You can't sleep off Christmas Eve drinks - they're up early.
10. You do not wait in a civilised manner to open presents after Christmas dinner. You run like a wild animal and get stuck in to anything and everything that's under the tree.

Wishing everyone a merry Christmas and fabulous festive period. 🌲

The First Proper Cold

Well our first ever full-blown cold smacked us in the face and left us for dead. By 'us' I mean Amelie. I don't know why I use that stupid 'we' when I'm clearly referring to just Amelie, but I guess it's another mum-way-of-being.

So it started off as having a grouchy, clingy baby who wouldn't eat. I'm used to the grump albeit Amelie has been much happier lately since mastering sitting, I put the clinginess down to the fact that she has learnt to say mumma (and I did do a little happy dance that it came before dadda, and it totally did make me all gooey inside hearing her say it) but the loss of appetite is not characteristic of Amelie at all. Ever.

 A few days later, snot. A whole load of it. At first I was quite grossed out - having to use a snot sucker to pump the snot out of your kids nose is not the one. Oh and on the note of honking out a load of mucus - I came across another bizarre thing. I tell Amelie 'well done' and continuously tell her she's being a good girl. Which A: is a lie and B: is more applicable to me. I'm the bloody one doing the job well - wrestling her ever moving head and fighting off her punches all in quest of some snot to relieve her! But I still find myself saying 'good girl' - she's screaming, kicking and punching me in the face..? How is that such exemplary behaviour worthy of praise ? So as I say, I was quite grossed out... Initially. Then I just felt bloody sorry for the bugger because she just couldn't work out that all she had to do was open her mouth and she'd sleep fairly soundly. But I'll come onto sleep (or lack of) in a bit. So my heart ached for this little nugget who was losing fluid from every orifice on her face. Her eyes were streaming, her mouth was like the Niagara Falls thanks to more teeth (she now has 9) and her nose was untameable so was being subjected to me and the dreaded nose sucker! She wouldn't eat, couldn't drink easily and everytime she got herself to sleep, she just woke up within minutes all bunged up.

All the cuddles. That was the way to fix it. I sat upright holding my child through 3 nights and 4 whole days. I'd elevated her with several pillows which did no good, I had sat in the shower with her (for the steam) five times to be exact which seemed to help there and then, but I just couldn't put her down. She could breathe whilst I held her, so that's what I did.

I on the other hand I did not sleep. I knew full well I'd end up getting her cold by the time she's better and still can't decide what's worse - caring for an ill child or being ill and caring for a well child. This has been an 'I don't want anymore kids' moment for sure. I again was at a loss as to how I can help poorly Amelie and I swear it's the worst feeling as a parent when you feel helpless! So I'll share some of the products I got that have been life savers!

To be honest 'I got' is a bit of a lie.. Between screaming, nose suckering, desperately trying to encourage fluid and rocking - I had woken Joe in the middle of the night to go to our 24 hour tesco and get 'the required items'.

Said required items were saline nasal drops as it thins the mucus so it flows out better, plug in Calpol vaporiser which lets out chamomile and lavender amongst other things to help with congestion and aid sleep, and more Calpol - you can never have too much of that stuff. For me all of these worked - coupled with baths and showers to relieve tension and congestion. Last night (about day 6 of the cold Amelie nearly slept through) so the vaporiser is a definite winner for me. I read in my parenting book that the life cycle of a cold is in 9 days - 3 days coming (the ratty, clingy not hungry stage) 3 days here (symptoms like runny nose, cough and temperature) and 3 days going (crusty bogey stage, nice) and it was so true she just changed over night after day 6. I'm ruined and also ill but the main point is that she's fine.

Ergh! What a horrible feeling it is seeing your little love unwell!

It's ok that not everything is ok

Let me just start by saying this isnt a pity party; it's the reality of motherhood. Although this time slightly less child focused and more, well - me.

It's ok to not be ok. I tell that to anyone and everyone but I never actually tell that to myself. Shame because recently I've been really not ok. Don't get me wrong, I've been fine 'in general', but it's never the general that eats away at you. It's always the little things in the back of your head that come out to play in quiet alone time, middle of sleepless nights... These sorts of times. And then they stick around like a bad smell until it really gets you down...in general.

I've lost my body, I can deal. I've lost loads of free time, that's cool it's part and parcel. Sleep is definitely something I have lost (probably the most of) and I'm drumming through that too. But the one thing I'm not ever going to be ok with is losing people close to me. I haven't exactly had the 'I just don't like you anymore so we're not friends' playground age chat, but I'm certainly feeling a million I miss you's towards a million people. (If youre reading this and can relate, please don't feel like it's about you) it's a classic and most definite case of 'it's not you its me'. I can no longer party into the morning hours  not knowing which foot comes first, or treating myself to dance floor naps because quite frankly i'd bloody die trying to tackle looking after Amelie the next day. I can't just randomly host a party like in the past because I've got a very wakeful sleeping bub upstairs, and I certainly haven't got the cash for regular extravagant shopping trips or day trips - Amelies milk alone is over £100 a month and her growth spurts mean that her wardrobe takes priority over mine. I'm juggling a husband as well and most nights I'm so exhausted by 7pm (imagine the worst tired you have EVER been and just not being able to catch up for 7 months to feeling 'not tired' anymore) that all I want to do is sleep, so I might just manage a conversation with Joe and some dinner and might forget to reply to a message or text.

I feel shit because I miss so many people, but I feel so grateful because so many mumma friends get it and are just there for the times I need to rant about vaginas and sick and poo - and hand over my super grumpy daughter. I feel awful for the non-mum friends who I subject to those sorts of topics, I'm sorry if it ever makes you feel uncomfortable but it's so hard to discuss anything else when my life is so consumed by it. I had never imagined that touching poo (and someone else's at that) would be a near-daily occurrence as I'd have vommed, but these days bodily fluids are a normal part of everyday for me regularly getting pissed on, pooed on and on kinder days, maybe just a sneeze or a spit splodge in my face.

But the truth is I miss 'me' sometimes. I want to have no care in the world, but there's no comparison to the care and worry a mum feels - so I simply don't have that luxury. I want to gossip about the trials and tribulations of life and stay up till ungodly hours munching junk food and watching stupid tv. But I'm just not in that space right now - and can just about manage that once a month or maybe once every 2 months. But those very rare catch ups (which might be 'great she's finally bothered' to you) mean the world to me. They remind me of who I am for 'me' and that I'm not just a mum. They remind me of all the reasons I love being your friend, and laughs with friends are priceless. I recently managed to join in on the dancefloor as our apartment was right next door, and I had my phone in hand - on FaceTime watching Amelie sleep (there were others babysitting her downstairs I didn't just leave her) and even my own husband didn't stick around and just merged in with the crowd, leaving me stood on the dancefloor on my own like a melon, until
I just gave in and went to sleep at 10:30. So I totally get it. But I miss so many people.

I started this post by saying it wasn't a pity party - it's a real harsh truth that comes with the life change that is motherhood. But it's not easy by any means and so hard to accept the idea of a growing distance between yourself and the people you love so dearly. And there are so many, I miss and love you all.