I've discovered the fear of letting go

The day has come. The day that I would have leapt for joy about when I was in the initial shit storm that was new motherhood. Nursery. I'm not getting ahead of myself and saying Amelie had gone to nursery, but we started the visits. I remember one very sleepless night (in the first few weeks of being home) googling how early certain nurseries accepted babies and seriously considering dropping Amelie to one a few mornings per week just to catch some z's. Needless to say, that improved and my need for nursery help soon faded. This time six months on, our main focus with nursery is Amelie's development - mainly her social skills. I take her to baby groups but I'm always there with her as support, and we're hoping (this is 'we the parents' I'm not being lame and using 'we' to pretend it's Amelie and my decision) she will develop a sense of independence. Said sense of independence comes in around £50-£70 per day depending on our choice, but at the moment it's looking as though we are sending her to a local private school nearer the top of that price range... Cue pasta and jacket potatoes for dinner for the foreseeable future! My aim is not to review our first visited place, rather to tell you my personal feelings around nursery in general -  so for that reason I won't name the place we initially visited - but let me tell you... I couldn't help clinging on to my baby girl tighter than she was to me!

So our visit went a little something like this: we parked up, all smiles; we walked in to a colourful and lovely environment - still smiling. Then we began our tour. The staff seemed lovely, all the right procedures were spoken about as you'd expect! But the spaces I kept looking at - I just couldn't imagine leaving my baby girl at. Nothing was particularly wrong with any if it, I just watched the children there and couldn't help imagining that Amelie would be the same. One little girl crawling around her cot in the room that was supposedly a quiet space for nap time despite a member of staff loudly speaking on the phone and several staff coming in and out and letting the door slam. I know it's probably all great for 'character building' but my little sensitive munchkin sleeps and I tiptoe around the house. Or I sleep with her!

"So if you let us know her sleep schedule and eating routine we will match it"

I was distracted by the lady showing me around. It's brilliant that they ensure continuity to her schedule but schedule and routine? We went with the flow most days. If we went swimming (mainly because she was being a whingy pain) she would sleep after obviously. Sometimes she is a delight and isn't whingy so we don't swim and she sleeps earlier. She eats when she's hungry, or (again) when she's grizzly. I've skilfully observed some of my mummy friends distracting baby grunts with food and I think it's great! So I've done the same. [Shoutout to Charlotte and Lauren, you guys have been heroes on this!] So what kind of parent would I be if I just told this member of staff that she's more of a 'flow rider' of a baby. As in easy-going, not a middle aged black rapper! We have a bedtime routine but that's mainly for my sanity so I know when I can count on definite 'chill' time, and I doubt that will come in handy at nursery - although if night nurseries existed, I'm not sure I'd mind so much if Amelie was crawling around her cot in the middle of the night while I was snoring away in our king size at home. As long as she was happy!

I'm digressing. On we went with our tour and I spotted a very unhappy baby clinging to a member of staff. She was in the 1-2 group so I felt sorry for the woman holding her because I already struggle with my one who weighs less-than-the-average-6-month-old. But within minutes we were done inside and we had a look at the outdoor area. Again, pretty impressive and some sand and water for kids to play with. Seemed good enough. We went back in and the crying baby was now laying on the floor pretty much licking it and no staff really cared. Leaving a baby to 'cry it out' is not for me at all and is something I feel really strongly about, telling anyone that looks after Amelie that I don't agree with it and giving strict instructions for that not to happen. The rooms for older children made me feel more at ease and the kids looked much happier. There was a clear love of children and passion for the job all around, I just felt that the really little ones being left weren't entirely sure why they were there and just pulled on my heart strings.

I clung on harder to my little monkey and decided that she can work on her social skills a little later in her little life because for now, all she needs is her Daddy and me. Her baby groups and friends on play dates can help with social skills until I feel ready to let her go.

This whole experience got me thinking about attachment and how my personal adult feelings could possibly be a hinderance to my daughter. I'm still reluctant to let her go into her own room despite knowing she'll most probably be absolutely fine. I know she'd soon get used to nursery even if she did cry for the first few weeks, and deep down I know it would aid her development. I don't want to bang on about losing babies, but this is a real issue and very painful hurt that doesn't leave you just because you've managed to have a baby. A little part of me is too scared of ever trying for a baby again in case it doesn't ever happen... And in that case, every moment with Amelie could be my last 'baby moment' because one day, she'll no longer need me every second of the day. I moan about it (pretty often to be fair) that I don't get a second to myself, but there's a little part of that, that is pretty warming inside. This precious little being looks to you for every need. I don't want my fears and worries (and obviously over attachment) to impact her, but it's hard. I wasn't lying when I said all areas of parenthood are insanely testing not only both physically and mentally - but on all levels possible.

Ah, all that from a nursery visit! God help me when it's school, and I no longer have the choice! Haha.