Competitive Comparisons: Get Out, please - thanks.

"How's it going?" The question we ask that we both do and don't want to know the answer to. I want to know if your baby is sleeping through the night, but I'll hate you a little if your answer is 'yes'. My kid had a meltdown in a baby class recently, no-one else's did, so is my baby worse than yours ? How much are they eating and how often? Are they on track with their weight? Talking of weight, what about your weight? Have you lost the pregnancy weight yet? This hurts me the most. Because I'm naturally small and petite, I never claimed I turned into a beach whale - but just like everyone else who carries a little being inside them - I gained and look totally different. But because I'm 'small' I definitely feel like I don't have as much right to be upset and boy do people tell me it. I wanna be allowed to mourn my pre-preg body too!! (*cries shamefully*)

I guess what has become strikingly obvious to me is the constant comparisons being made between ourselves and others in a similar situation. It's reassurance with a blade, if you will. You only ask because you want to make sure everything is ok with your own situation, but if it's not, so what? If my baby isn't gaining weight (which she isn't) consistently then what shall I do? Force feed her? Of course not! Maybe I should just try being logical and recognise that I myself am a pretty small being and probably can't biologically manufacture something that is 'large'. She's meeting and in cases exceeding all milestones, so is obviously developing well! Note to self: chill out, she's beautiful.

The sleeping - oh my LORD. Women can be vicious. First of all, define 'sleeping through' because if your kid sleeps from 11-5, well that's firstly not the healthiest amount of sleep for a newborn and my god, no that's just not restful for you either. But it's all in a bid to claim the medal that hints slightly that you've had a glimpse of your old life before baby. But my question is why would anyone yearn for that? That's yet another comparison we make and perhaps the most taunting of all. Comparing life now to life before. Presumably (even with surprise babies) a conscious decision was made to have or at least keep the baby - so that's a decision equally made to accept change and stop wishing for a pre-baby life. It might be hard at times but the testing times well outweigh the good, and let's face it, you can't have a beach bod without the gruelling workouts and fitness - and having a baby is pretty similar. (Although, admittedly I think if I was working towards a beach bod I probably would fantasise about the times i could just swing by McDonalds whenever it took my fancy, so in that sense maybe this was a pretty crappy analogy) The underlying message is don't compare your life - it never will be like it was before. Never as easy, but never as full of love and excitement either. That's true.

I just want to spare a thought for the amazing mummies that I am fortunate enough to be able to engage in 'let's compare babies' conversations with that are helpful. Let's compare and have a nice chat about a particular stage is very different to 'hey, bitch my kid is better than yours' this is one of the reasons I chose not to go to NCT classes. I'm sure they're beneficial but I'm just not into that. That, and luckily for us a large majority of our closest friends were having babies all over the place, so I really didn't feel like I was alone or needing to make new mummy friends. The ones I have are great! I am fortunate enough that I had our baby last and can go to any of the lovely mummies for advice and they are the kind of advice givers that make you feel good about yourself and reassure you that you're doing good! I have however met a couple of mums at various baby groups who are - well, not for me if I'm honest. They're a bit like nandos sauce - fiery with a sting! One conversation went like this:

    "Hey, how are you?"
    "Oh, how's Amelie sleeping?"

Are you fucking kidding me ? I wanna slag off husbands and moan about my fat gained or hair falling out, not start a my baby vs your baby war straight off! Amelie actually was sleeping like an angel and has been very good since around 3 weeks so I'm very lucky in that sense - but in effort to save face and not make her feel shit about herself (in case her situation was harder than mine) I replied with a very humble "yea it's ok" only to be slapped in the face with her trophy that is a my-baby-sleeps-through-the-night one. I instantly judged the competitive moron to be just that, and thus returned to her for conversation never again! Haha.

We have a preconception that babies have a universal way of being - but lose sight of the diverse nature of ourselves. It infuriates me so much when people ask questions for competitive reasons. It's like making a comparison about hair growth with your black mummy friend and complaining that your white kid's afro isn't growing as well as her child's - yea, ridiculous and illogical.

Babies are not hard-wired to be a particular way, they develop at their own pace and it took me a long time to realise that! I was one of the mummies not competing but definitely comparing, for reassurance that my baby was ok, and I still am if I'm honest, but I don't have a meltdown if my case is not the same. It's nice having chats with other mummies about baby stuff, it's relaxing and reassuring and I definitely feel there is a real bond between mothers even if you don't really know each other - it's like a club that you're all members of; a course we all took and passed! So it's lovely engaging in any kind of talk with them! Not the competitive mums though - I think I'll leave those well alone!