It's 7:15 am I've just got Amelie back to sleep after having been awake for two hours, and I finally drift off. I'm conscious of some creaky floorboards along with other housey-noises, but drift back into my nice relaxing catch-up sleep. A mixture of a thud, the clanging of a spoon against a cereal bowl, and the very unwelcome tone of BBC News wakes me because my well-rested husband is sat in the lounge enjoying his breakfast. I scowl at him. I glance at the time - 7:30, so my scowl extends into a growl about how I've only had 15 minutes sleep and been up for two hours and how I'd retreated out of respect for him to the living room so that he could sleep and now he's not only woken me, but woken the baby too and my life is sure to be ruined because her nap as been interrupted.
"I thought you'd want me to sit with you"
Really? While I sleep, after a 5am start and 2 hours of entertaining a newborn while insanely tired, you think I wanted you to wake me up so I could watch my scruffy, untalkative and morning-grumpy husband sit next to me? No thanks. But thanks, for waking us up and ensuring that my morning will now be hell with an overtired baby.
And then it occurred to me how many situations like this we deal with. Daily. It's definitely the most testing time of a relationship and is hard for both. Me, because in this case, I'll have to pick up the pieces with a grumpy, tired baby; and for Joe because he'll feel guilty all day and take it so much to heart.
When I first became a Mum, there are two things I thought almost immediately:
1. Thank god for Joe, I couldn't do this alone.
2. I have SUCH a new level of respect for single mums.
But since, I've realised its hard even with help. Sometimes harder. Like this morning, we've had an argument first thing in the morning and both feel shit. That's hard because after a long day of exhaustion and being mum I'm going to have to find extra energy to rectify the situation - as I highly doubt "you know what? You fucking have her at 5am tomorrow while I sleep" is going to cut it as a feasible solution!
This was just one situation and quite a minor one. Here are some of the daily struggles I currently face, trying to juggle a family that I never realised were part of being 'A Mum'
Trying to stay awake for wife time - when I've spent an hour stroking the baby's face, I'd happily have a bath and join my baby in sleep at 8:30! But I pry my exhausted self away from the bed that's become comfortable with warmth, and go downstairs for dinner and adult chat, maybe a bit of tv - I'm a wife.
When you know, you know best but you have to bite your tongue. So you have spent just enough time (ie 24/7) with the little being that you've come to understand every little gurgle, yelp or cry. You know she's hungry-crying so whilst daddy's having cuddles, trying to preserve the happy time, you offer the advice to feed her. She's not rubbing her eyes like the parent books suggest, but she is moaning while sticking her tongue out and smacking her lips - no daddy, she's not still hungry, that why she's spitting milk out now - she's full. But she's tired and is looking for the dummy she's come to know as her sleep tool. So again, you offer your advice. She settles a while but is now squirming around - daddy forgot to change her nappy before feeding so she's now got a full nappy and doesn't feel comfortable enough to settle - shall I tell him? I don't want to sound like a know it all! That's another issue and potential cause for a reply along the lines of "you fucking do it then if you know best" - I don't want to isolate my husband at all, and he's very good at picking up daddy skills, but it doesn't make it any easier for me when I have to watch my baby crying for what I knew she wanted five minutes before, before her dad worked it out. No harm ever came to a baby who cried for five minutes while the parent figured out that a nappy needed changing, or a dummy was in need - but constant 'do, this', 'do that', or 'do it this way' can cause one person to feel inferior and that's not great.
Sharing the bad is great and a tremendous help and I'm so grateful to have Joe, he's just a great dad and husband. But sharing also involves sharing the good. I have her all day, and whilst it's hard - it's also lovely at times. I get considerably more smiles than Joe, way more cuddles and so on. As much as I'd love to see her smiley face as she enjoys (she loves) bath time, or always have the last cuddle with her before bed - I've got to learn to share them! Bath times are always Joe's time with Amelie and I love that they have such a bond - she genuinely enjoys her time with him and is considerably less smiley on the rare occasion that I give her a bath. So it's nice to share the hard part, but you also have to sacrifice some of the fun parts too.
Sex. There it is! It's a real part of life but probably the last thing you think about or have energy for after an entire draining day with a little one. Joe goes to work and Amelie sleeps pretty well at night so for him, life is pretty much the same as before - energy wise. For me, I'm still living in the whirlwind of nappies, bum-wipes, feeds and tantrums - and round-the-clock attention and awareness of Amelie's baby antics! I'm not saying force yourself and do something you're not happy with by having sex, I'm just saying that there are a hell of a lot more 'I can't really be bothered right now but it'll be good when we get into it' moments than before!
Making an effort. I certainly don't. I wish I had the time and money to go and buy every product I could think of and apply it daily for an hour to my face and hair. But the truth is, nowadays, (especially as my hair is currently falling out since the change in hormones post pregnancy) I rock the messy bun with little or no makeup 4/7 days at least. But there are days I make an effort because, well for one, it's good for your self-esteem, but also because I can't expect Joe to find it attractive leaving with his wife looking pretty horrific and coming home to her looking even more shocking. It's hard, but you have to remember to be yourself as well and not confine yourself to being just 'mum'.
I love my little family more than anything and couldn't be more thankful to have my best friend by my side to
experience it all with. But it doesn't make it any less hard. Because I found it so hard in the first few weeks, I was totally reliant on Joe. It's from that experience that my respect for single mums derives. Whilst I still have utmost respect for anyone doing it alone (including single dads) and am exceptionally proud of my single parent friends,I realised its ok to be equally proud of myself. We all face challenges and differing ones in every situation, it's our ability to remain resilient and keep our little bubba at the forefront of it all that is truly admirable. I think when you put someone else ahead of yourself, which all mums most likely will, it's the toughest job of all and we're all heroes. Except for twins or more, you guys are SUPERheroes.
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