Christmas is a mere few sleeps away and I'm so excited! But not in the I'm-gunna-eat-my-weight-in-food-and-drink-way-too-much-wine way, but with a totally different outlook - Santa. And reindeer. And elves. - magic. Christmas this year is a very different experience. For a start, all month has been filled with festive baking, card making, random crafting and Christmas grotto stalking whenever, wherever; but what's most exciting about my first Christmas as a parent is that it's a perfect excuse to pretend.

We have hung the stockings ready for Santa to fill and we decorated our tree but (unlike last year) left it completely empty underneath until we get to bombard the tree with pressies on Christmas Eve ready to watch Amelie's little face as she discovers the sudden change over night! Not that she understands, but we do - and let's face it Joe and I need a good couple of practice goes at this stuff before she's old enough to realise what this Christmas stuff is all about. We've also been baking Christmas cookies - and yes they turned out gross and totally not any colour despite using a shed load of red and green food colouring - oops, at least Amelie had fun making them! Most importantly, we've got our 'Santa plate' ready to fill with milk and cookies and maybe a carrot for rudolf - but most certainly a whisky on the side, because the Santa in this household is partial to one of those, right Joe?

So I can't say I'm not excited. Our first as a family, but for me it's also a bit of an odd predicament. My family has grown with the arrival of our daughter, but it's also shrunk since the loss of my grandma. I've really come to love the saying 'it's not what's under the tree, but who is around it' because it's only when you don't have the option to have certain people there, that you really appreciate those that are.

I'm not going to bang on about how lucky and thankful I am for my two sidekicks that make up my family - instead I'm going to take a minute to remember those who aren't any longer with us, think of those whose predicament maybe isn't so great in this current situation. Not everyone is blessed with a large family, many are fighting battles related to family circumstances, illness or financial matters. I spent one Christmas totally alone a few years ago. I was so ill I couldn't even move, and didn't see it appropriate to ruin everyone else's Christmas (and to be fair I honestly couldn't move and just slept all week) and it was the worst feeling in the world - so lonely! So if you can, smile at the stranger who smiles at you randomly in the street, give that elderly person the comfort of a conversation when they start one while you're out and about, and maybe check in on your neighbours or pop a Christmas card through! Not everyone is filled with joy this time of year.

I do want to end on a positive though and I thought I'd compile a list of things that (like everything else) changes when you're a parent. (And no I'm not talking about my pelvic floors... But yes they're still shit!)

1. It's so hard not to give your kid their present early. I've actually given and replaced three of Amelie's toys!
2. You can't drink like you used to! For us Christmas was always about finishing work, stuffing our face with Christmas food and drinking glass after glass of wine.
3. You can't go out for festivities with friends - or at least not until you've sorted a baby sitter but that's EXTREMELY hard on Christmas Eve!
4. You send Christmas cards - to everyone... Because you're a grown up now (pahahaha)
5. You have to surrender at least 75% of the presents you would have received because the new person in the limelight is the new addition - and guess what? You LOVE it and it doesn't bother you in the slightest.
6. You wrap your own present. I actually wrapped one of my own this year!
7. You have to put your tree somewhere out of reach like on a table.
8. You visit EVERYONE. Because they wanna see your kid - and because you wanna hand over your kid and catch a break.
9. You can't sleep off Christmas Eve drinks - they're up early.
10. You do not wait in a civilised manner to open presents after Christmas dinner. You run like a wild animal and get stuck in to anything and everything that's under the tree.

Wishing everyone a merry Christmas and fabulous festive period. 🌲

The First Proper Cold

Well our first ever full-blown cold smacked us in the face and left us for dead. By 'us' I mean Amelie. I don't know why I use that stupid 'we' when I'm clearly referring to just Amelie, but I guess it's another mum-way-of-being.

So it started off as having a grouchy, clingy baby who wouldn't eat. I'm used to the grump albeit Amelie has been much happier lately since mastering sitting, I put the clinginess down to the fact that she has learnt to say mumma (and I did do a little happy dance that it came before dadda, and it totally did make me all gooey inside hearing her say it) but the loss of appetite is not characteristic of Amelie at all. Ever.

 A few days later, snot. A whole load of it. At first I was quite grossed out - having to use a snot sucker to pump the snot out of your kids nose is not the one. Oh and on the note of honking out a load of mucus - I came across another bizarre thing. I tell Amelie 'well done' and continuously tell her she's being a good girl. Which A: is a lie and B: is more applicable to me. I'm the bloody one doing the job well - wrestling her ever moving head and fighting off her punches all in quest of some snot to relieve her! But I still find myself saying 'good girl' - she's screaming, kicking and punching me in the face..? How is that such exemplary behaviour worthy of praise ? So as I say, I was quite grossed out... Initially. Then I just felt bloody sorry for the bugger because she just couldn't work out that all she had to do was open her mouth and she'd sleep fairly soundly. But I'll come onto sleep (or lack of) in a bit. So my heart ached for this little nugget who was losing fluid from every orifice on her face. Her eyes were streaming, her mouth was like the Niagara Falls thanks to more teeth (she now has 9) and her nose was untameable so was being subjected to me and the dreaded nose sucker! She wouldn't eat, couldn't drink easily and everytime she got herself to sleep, she just woke up within minutes all bunged up.

All the cuddles. That was the way to fix it. I sat upright holding my child through 3 nights and 4 whole days. I'd elevated her with several pillows which did no good, I had sat in the shower with her (for the steam) five times to be exact which seemed to help there and then, but I just couldn't put her down. She could breathe whilst I held her, so that's what I did.

I on the other hand I did not sleep. I knew full well I'd end up getting her cold by the time she's better and still can't decide what's worse - caring for an ill child or being ill and caring for a well child. This has been an 'I don't want anymore kids' moment for sure. I again was at a loss as to how I can help poorly Amelie and I swear it's the worst feeling as a parent when you feel helpless! So I'll share some of the products I got that have been life savers!

To be honest 'I got' is a bit of a lie.. Between screaming, nose suckering, desperately trying to encourage fluid and rocking - I had woken Joe in the middle of the night to go to our 24 hour tesco and get 'the required items'.

Said required items were saline nasal drops as it thins the mucus so it flows out better, plug in Calpol vaporiser which lets out chamomile and lavender amongst other things to help with congestion and aid sleep, and more Calpol - you can never have too much of that stuff. For me all of these worked - coupled with baths and showers to relieve tension and congestion. Last night (about day 6 of the cold Amelie nearly slept through) so the vaporiser is a definite winner for me. I read in my parenting book that the life cycle of a cold is in 9 days - 3 days coming (the ratty, clingy not hungry stage) 3 days here (symptoms like runny nose, cough and temperature) and 3 days going (crusty bogey stage, nice) and it was so true she just changed over night after day 6. I'm ruined and also ill but the main point is that she's fine.

Ergh! What a horrible feeling it is seeing your little love unwell!

It's ok that not everything is ok

Let me just start by saying this isnt a pity party; it's the reality of motherhood. Although this time slightly less child focused and more, well - me.

It's ok to not be ok. I tell that to anyone and everyone but I never actually tell that to myself. Shame because recently I've been really not ok. Don't get me wrong, I've been fine 'in general', but it's never the general that eats away at you. It's always the little things in the back of your head that come out to play in quiet alone time, middle of sleepless nights... These sorts of times. And then they stick around like a bad smell until it really gets you down...in general.

I've lost my body, I can deal. I've lost loads of free time, that's cool it's part and parcel. Sleep is definitely something I have lost (probably the most of) and I'm drumming through that too. But the one thing I'm not ever going to be ok with is losing people close to me. I haven't exactly had the 'I just don't like you anymore so we're not friends' playground age chat, but I'm certainly feeling a million I miss you's towards a million people. (If youre reading this and can relate, please don't feel like it's about you) it's a classic and most definite case of 'it's not you its me'. I can no longer party into the morning hours  not knowing which foot comes first, or treating myself to dance floor naps because quite frankly i'd bloody die trying to tackle looking after Amelie the next day. I can't just randomly host a party like in the past because I've got a very wakeful sleeping bub upstairs, and I certainly haven't got the cash for regular extravagant shopping trips or day trips - Amelies milk alone is over £100 a month and her growth spurts mean that her wardrobe takes priority over mine. I'm juggling a husband as well and most nights I'm so exhausted by 7pm (imagine the worst tired you have EVER been and just not being able to catch up for 7 months to feeling 'not tired' anymore) that all I want to do is sleep, so I might just manage a conversation with Joe and some dinner and might forget to reply to a message or text.

I feel shit because I miss so many people, but I feel so grateful because so many mumma friends get it and are just there for the times I need to rant about vaginas and sick and poo - and hand over my super grumpy daughter. I feel awful for the non-mum friends who I subject to those sorts of topics, I'm sorry if it ever makes you feel uncomfortable but it's so hard to discuss anything else when my life is so consumed by it. I had never imagined that touching poo (and someone else's at that) would be a near-daily occurrence as I'd have vommed, but these days bodily fluids are a normal part of everyday for me regularly getting pissed on, pooed on and on kinder days, maybe just a sneeze or a spit splodge in my face.

But the truth is I miss 'me' sometimes. I want to have no care in the world, but there's no comparison to the care and worry a mum feels - so I simply don't have that luxury. I want to gossip about the trials and tribulations of life and stay up till ungodly hours munching junk food and watching stupid tv. But I'm just not in that space right now - and can just about manage that once a month or maybe once every 2 months. But those very rare catch ups (which might be 'great she's finally bothered' to you) mean the world to me. They remind me of who I am for 'me' and that I'm not just a mum. They remind me of all the reasons I love being your friend, and laughs with friends are priceless. I recently managed to join in on the dancefloor as our apartment was right next door, and I had my phone in hand - on FaceTime watching Amelie sleep (there were others babysitting her downstairs I didn't just leave her) and even my own husband didn't stick around and just merged in with the crowd, leaving me stood on the dancefloor on my own like a melon, until
I just gave in and went to sleep at 10:30. So I totally get it. But I miss so many people.

I started this post by saying it wasn't a pity party - it's a real harsh truth that comes with the life change that is motherhood. But it's not easy by any means and so hard to accept the idea of a growing distance between yourself and the people you love so dearly. And there are so many, I miss and love you all.

We can sit, so we play: Messy Play

The kid has mastered sitting. That's ish, and finally! Most of the other babies her age are practically packing their bags to university but Amelie is just about managing to support herself to sit up! This means heaps of fun as she can now properly join in with playing.

Amongst the zillion pounds worth of baby crap we have bought her is the bumbo, and much like the other trillion things, she hates it! Luckily I nabbed this second hand (thanks gumtree) so didn't cost an arm and a leg... but she finally began tolerating sitting in it. Which is a lifesaver because it means I don't constantly have a baby wedged between my legs.

Said bumbo has meant we can start properly playing! I'm not gunna lie, I've been really enjoying it. We've so far discovered paints and have painted a few masterpieces. Amelie really took her anger/excitement out on one piece in particular. I love how she conveyed the- I'm totally kidding, she doesn't have a clue what she's supposed to be doing or even looking at, but I'm sure she's enjoyed smooshing colours around the paper.

We have attempted shaving foam mixed with food colouring. This was a real hit, until she decided she had an itchy eye half way through and caked her eye in some. To be fair she took it like a boss and didn't even react. Poor kid just sat back and watched her dad and I manoeuvre her out of the bumbo - one of us holding her while the other held her hands down to prevent any further eye incidents. We carried her upstairs to the shower like it, and hosed her down... All the while soaking our (clothed) selves and the bathroom floor too. All common sense goes out the window when it comes to your babies welfare. I was stood fully clothed in the bath, holding the shower head and hosing all over the place in a desperate attempt to get rid of all the shaving foam [thanks Pinterest you bitch, I didn't see any photos of the aftermath of shaving foam exploratory play...). Before long I've soaked all three of us, the floors, the walls and probably the ceiling too but all peace was restored because my kid was eventually foam free! I'm not gunna lie I did cover her unaffected eye and check that she looked at me and smiled because I was my usual paranoid self thinking she'd been blinded! I don't think she's blind. Thank god!

So yeah, I'm really enjoying this phase too. Although nothing with a baby is ever fully enjoyable (and if it is I'm yet to experience it) because for about the 8th week now I'm functioning on anywhere around 3 to 4 hours sleep, with the odd exception of a good nights sleep. The most recent phase. The dummy! Not even going to attempt to write about it in any great detail because it really is torture. I'm awake from 1am or 3am until 6/6:30 without fail - putting her dummy back in because she falls asleep and it falls out. I'd be totally ok with this if she did it all the time, but for some reason it's ok when the dummy falls out at 6pm for her bedtime, it's ok when it happens at every naptime in the day but come 1am and if the dummy falls out she just wakes up. Why, I have no idea!! So I hold it in with my hand, my cheek, my forehead however I can basically and hope she stays asleep. If I'm lucky I catch a few sessions of 20 minute sleeps in between her huffing and puffing for a dummy... If not, I just don't sleep. And drink loads of coffee.

But I shouldn't moan. She's becoming so enjoyable and is hands down my little best bud. Sounds weird and a little odd but we spend every minute of every day together pretty much, how could she be anything but my number 1?

Any other fun games or activities  for babies 6months+ I'd love to hear !!

The Liebster Award

Could I be any more chuffed? I only went and got bloody nominated for a Liebster Award! Ok I'm not even gunna pretend I know what it is but sod it, it's an award and I got a mention! By the lovely Amy at Kitty and Pip I'm kidding - obviously I checked out what this is all about ! (And then I copy and pasted the description Amy [thanks bro] "The Liebster Award is a chain of awards passed on by bloggers, in an effort to recognise their wonderful work. “Liebster” in German means sweetest, kindest, nicest, valued and pleasant."

So, the rules of the Liebster Award 2016:
1 – Acknowledge the blog who nominated you and display the award
2 – Answer the eleven questions the blogger gives you
3 – Give eleven random facts about yourself
4 – Nominate eleven blogs that you think are deserving of this award
5 – Let the bloggers know you have nominated them
6 – Give them eleven questions to answer

My Qs from kittyandpip


1. What is your favourite book? I love The Time Traveler's Wife.
2. What is the biggest lesson parenthood has taught you? I've learnt to be resilient and that I most certainly don't come first! And that shit doesn't smell that bad, vomit is ok and getting pissed on (on a daily basis) is bearable.
3. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? Hands down I was convinced I was going to be a singer. Or some sort or celebrity. Oops - I'm just a normal person. 😂 Fml.
4. Do you have a party trick? Tell us what it is. I really don't. Aside from getting in a horrific state after very few drinks I just don't. And if I do, I certainly can't remember 😂🙊
5. Where would be your ideal dream holiday? Thailand. We slummed it for a honeymoon trip for 3 weeks and stayed in some questionable places - I remember being hungover over a 'hole toilet' on a moving train... It was awkward but still a great experience. Then having to wash my deposit down some other 'hole toilet' with a bucket of water.. 😳 as much as it doesn't sound like it, we did take part in other activities not just going to the toilet haha!
6. Is there anything you said you’d never do as a parent but now you do? Go to sleep early. 9pm is a late night for me!
7. What one thing would you like to go back and tell your teenage self? Don't worry about your imperfections, make fun of them and people will laugh with you not at you. (Hopefully they were never actually laughing at me anyway)
8. What is your biggest fear? Losing the love of my life. I'm so lucky to have married my best friend.
9. What do you love about blogging/vlogging the most?It's so supportive - have come across some amazing people and great ideas. I love reading people's story. Also that it's so easy to talk to people as they tend to keep up with your blog and always have a conversation starter.
10. Describe you perfect date night? Pyjamas, Chinese (food not necessarily race) a bottle of red and my cat cuddled with us. And definitely no sex! Just a nice massage and a long ass sleep.
11. What moment made you think ‘oh my gosh! I am an adult now!’ When my vag spit out a child.

Now for 11 random facts about me...

1 I used to be a man - I'm joking. Sometimes I wish I could be one though because it's so easy.. Beer, butts, boobs and ball-twiddling. And b-jobs... Life is sweet for men!

2 I love the smell of soil and no idea why! It's just like such a fresh smell!

3 All of my family live abroad ! So thankful for joes fam!

4 LOVE all things 'Lush' and the Body Shop is growing on me - face masks in particular!

5 suffered a lot with miscarriages in the past which makes me so tolerant of the shit bits of motherhood

6 my fav drink is ... That's pretty hard but I love watermelon smoothies (only ever had them in Thailand) strawb daiquiris and piña coladas ahhhh so many !

7 I'd never been on a rollercoaster until I was like 19!

8 I used to date Ben Affleck (ok that was a lie too- I wish) *i have a celeb crush on Ben Affleck*

9 I can probably recite the entire finding Nemo film

10 as above for 'grease'

11 I've worn my hair in a mum bun for approximately 345 out of the last 365 days!

Now this next bit I was not looking forward to .. Picking 11 bloggers who I love. I mean I am delighted to share and give them a mention but picking only 11 is tough so so many people make me laugh cry and live a bit of their life with them each day! But here are my 11 definite reads;

1 Life As A Single Mum  - adore reading her posts and the power of a woman is made clear in charlottes story!

2 Dad's Diary - Fml mate you crack me up on a daily basis please follow this rad dad!

3 Sprogs Blog - I love following Emily's insta as well as keeping up to date with her posts!

4 Teabee Blog - I do not have time for make up testing and beauty worrying .. So I read tanias reviews and buy what she recommends ! She saves me time and helps me look glam!! Love this girls blog seriously check it out !!

5 This Is A Mum's World  a new blogger and I absolutely adore her posts - from bags to circuits and pelvic floors she really has the perfect balance of being herself and 'mum'

6 Random Thoughts of a Twenty Something Blog - to say I love her page is an understatement. I love having a browse at Carla's blog because she's so inspiring. She discusses real issues of mental health and combines it with the fun quirkiness of her personality too with stories of holidays and hair. Go give her a quick view!

7 Marianne Smiles the oh-so-touching story of the birth of Oliver I could relate to 100000% I felt that same with Amelie and I've felt so on par with this girl ever since reading her story.

8 This Little Mom makes me giggle so much from her 30 second showers to packing for holiday!! She does 'serious' too though and her post on sharing her baby I related to so much .. Because I've been told the same and was like stfu!

9 Life W/ Littles  her two year old rules the roost and her blog makes me excited [weary] for mine to turn 2, too! can relate because for her pregnancy 'shit' did not end at labour and I equally battled so much post pregnancy and post labour physical crap!

10  Mommy in Leggings our babies are around the same age so I love reading her blog! It's got handy tips like how to fix a hole in your leggings, removing water stains from wood alongside trips to the zoo! She's so glam and inspiring too - baby weight lost in 5 months !! Check out her post!

11 Rachel Swirl  hands down enjoy every read!

So here are 11 questions for you:

1 name a favourite (could be anything)

2 the most fun you've ever had was..? (Nothing rude please 😂)

3 what inspired you to start blogging?

4 What is the blog post you're most proud of?

5 favourite time of year?

6 coffee or tea?

7 What is the most bizarre experience you've had?

8 If you could have a super power which would you choose?

9 Any recommendations for rainy day activities? (I'm wheats stuck for these)

10 what would you tell your teenage self if you could?

11 something that makes you happy?

Thanks for reading and I hope you take part because this has taken me a little while to do and I'd love to see your replies!!

😁

Magic Santa Letter

I know what you're thinking, it's September - why is she already talking thinking about Christmas. Firstly, it's expensive. So what's wrong with a little forward planning? But more importantly, it's my little ones first ever Christmas, so 'excited' doesn't quite come close to how we are all feeling. What better way to mark this special occasion than buying her a personalised letter from the man himself?! Santa Claus.

After the shit storm that has been 'new mummyhood' the last thing on my mind has been a scrapbook. I mean I always have it in mind, but actually creating one is not yet on my radar. I'm barely managing to tidy up at the end of the day! However, I've been keeping bits and bobs for her, in a 'special' box [its just an empty gift box, hehe). So, obviously I thought a letter from Santa would be a great addition.

I came across the 'Magic Santa Letter' range and instantly fell in love. With the high quality paper, careful attention to detail and exceptionally affordable prices I knew I had to have one. Lucky for us, they provide a 'Baby's First Christmas' option which was perfect for us. The paper is beautiful with Christmas themed patterns and it really does have a 'magical' look to it! You have the option to choose their 'scroll effect' paper. But even the less expensive option is beautiful and so reasonable at £3.99. That price includes free delivery, a free 'good child' certificate, and has its very own envelope (addressed to your child) also. There is the option to pick a letter that is slightly more expensive (probably suitable for older children) and comes in at £7.99 but in addition to free postage and the 'good child' certificate, it includes scroll effect paper, magical reindeer food, and a 'Santa stop here' door hanger as well!

I know it's early, but I couldn't be more excited to place an order on launch day! The website was exceptionally user friendly and gave a great description of what was included in each pack. There is the option of partial or full personalisation so you can create the exact product you would like. It's perfect for first time parents like us, but also a lovely idea for grandparents, aunts, uncles and the like to treat the youngsters in their families to a little extra magical feel this Christmas.

I was lucky enough to team up with 'Magic Santa Letter' and can offer anyone reading this 30% off any option using my code. VR30OFF

I can't do the maths for every option because I am not a great fan of maths, but have worked out that choosing the least expensive option (suitable for all ages) is £2.82 !

You can check out the website and order yours here

Thanks for reading xx

I've discovered the fear of letting go

The day has come. The day that I would have leapt for joy about when I was in the initial shit storm that was new motherhood. Nursery. I'm not getting ahead of myself and saying Amelie had gone to nursery, but we started the visits. I remember one very sleepless night (in the first few weeks of being home) googling how early certain nurseries accepted babies and seriously considering dropping Amelie to one a few mornings per week just to catch some z's. Needless to say, that improved and my need for nursery help soon faded. This time six months on, our main focus with nursery is Amelie's development - mainly her social skills. I take her to baby groups but I'm always there with her as support, and we're hoping (this is 'we the parents' I'm not being lame and using 'we' to pretend it's Amelie and my decision) she will develop a sense of independence. Said sense of independence comes in around £50-£70 per day depending on our choice, but at the moment it's looking as though we are sending her to a local private school nearer the top of that price range... Cue pasta and jacket potatoes for dinner for the foreseeable future! My aim is not to review our first visited place, rather to tell you my personal feelings around nursery in general -  so for that reason I won't name the place we initially visited - but let me tell you... I couldn't help clinging on to my baby girl tighter than she was to me!

So our visit went a little something like this: we parked up, all smiles; we walked in to a colourful and lovely environment - still smiling. Then we began our tour. The staff seemed lovely, all the right procedures were spoken about as you'd expect! But the spaces I kept looking at - I just couldn't imagine leaving my baby girl at. Nothing was particularly wrong with any if it, I just watched the children there and couldn't help imagining that Amelie would be the same. One little girl crawling around her cot in the room that was supposedly a quiet space for nap time despite a member of staff loudly speaking on the phone and several staff coming in and out and letting the door slam. I know it's probably all great for 'character building' but my little sensitive munchkin sleeps and I tiptoe around the house. Or I sleep with her!

"So if you let us know her sleep schedule and eating routine we will match it"

I was distracted by the lady showing me around. It's brilliant that they ensure continuity to her schedule but schedule and routine? We went with the flow most days. If we went swimming (mainly because she was being a whingy pain) she would sleep after obviously. Sometimes she is a delight and isn't whingy so we don't swim and she sleeps earlier. She eats when she's hungry, or (again) when she's grizzly. I've skilfully observed some of my mummy friends distracting baby grunts with food and I think it's great! So I've done the same. [Shoutout to Charlotte and Lauren, you guys have been heroes on this!] So what kind of parent would I be if I just told this member of staff that she's more of a 'flow rider' of a baby. As in easy-going, not a middle aged black rapper! We have a bedtime routine but that's mainly for my sanity so I know when I can count on definite 'chill' time, and I doubt that will come in handy at nursery - although if night nurseries existed, I'm not sure I'd mind so much if Amelie was crawling around her cot in the middle of the night while I was snoring away in our king size at home. As long as she was happy!

I'm digressing. On we went with our tour and I spotted a very unhappy baby clinging to a member of staff. She was in the 1-2 group so I felt sorry for the woman holding her because I already struggle with my one who weighs less-than-the-average-6-month-old. But within minutes we were done inside and we had a look at the outdoor area. Again, pretty impressive and some sand and water for kids to play with. Seemed good enough. We went back in and the crying baby was now laying on the floor pretty much licking it and no staff really cared. Leaving a baby to 'cry it out' is not for me at all and is something I feel really strongly about, telling anyone that looks after Amelie that I don't agree with it and giving strict instructions for that not to happen. The rooms for older children made me feel more at ease and the kids looked much happier. There was a clear love of children and passion for the job all around, I just felt that the really little ones being left weren't entirely sure why they were there and just pulled on my heart strings.

I clung on harder to my little monkey and decided that she can work on her social skills a little later in her little life because for now, all she needs is her Daddy and me. Her baby groups and friends on play dates can help with social skills until I feel ready to let her go.

This whole experience got me thinking about attachment and how my personal adult feelings could possibly be a hinderance to my daughter. I'm still reluctant to let her go into her own room despite knowing she'll most probably be absolutely fine. I know she'd soon get used to nursery even if she did cry for the first few weeks, and deep down I know it would aid her development. I don't want to bang on about losing babies, but this is a real issue and very painful hurt that doesn't leave you just because you've managed to have a baby. A little part of me is too scared of ever trying for a baby again in case it doesn't ever happen... And in that case, every moment with Amelie could be my last 'baby moment' because one day, she'll no longer need me every second of the day. I moan about it (pretty often to be fair) that I don't get a second to myself, but there's a little part of that, that is pretty warming inside. This precious little being looks to you for every need. I don't want my fears and worries (and obviously over attachment) to impact her, but it's hard. I wasn't lying when I said all areas of parenthood are insanely testing not only both physically and mentally - but on all levels possible.

Ah, all that from a nursery visit! God help me when it's school, and I no longer have the choice! Haha.

We love food

So we began our weaning adventure a week early at 16 weeks! This part of parenting I absolutely LOVE! What's better than cooking up an array of varying colours and flavours and watching a little face explore new flavours! (Avacado was my favourite so far) As I understand it, it's not recommended to start until 6 months but 17 weeks is an absolute minimum. Well my kid was (as usual) exploding into about 8 nappies per day so I did what I saw fit! I myself eat a couple of bananas when I have a dodgy tummy so I began with a tiny amount of banana mixed with her milk! A few teaspoons to start with only but it cleared it up for her. You're supposed to give the same fruit or veg for a couple of days to observe for reactions so I stuck to banana for pretty much all week! I saw somewhere that you should give vegetable as a first food for 2 weeks and this was my plan... After the banana helped soothe Amelie's butt explosions! (Which it did soon enough) 

I did some research and found that a lady called Annabel Karmel is like the Michelin star chef of the baby weaning world. Even though the recipes did in fairness tingle my own taste buds, I felt that it was just a recipe book and I had no idea which foods were ideal for when (and why) so I opted for the informative Ella's Kitchen first foods book. It makes for easy reading but covers all key aspects relating to babies' development as well! For instance, I never knew that babies' iron levels plummet at around 6 months and iron rich foods are vital! So I had stuck rigidly to the 2 week day-by-day guide to weaning! - we just cut out the broccoli and cauliflower because Amelie is a gassy baby (joy for me) and I wanted to avoid these vegetables as I had already started the process of weaning so early. This book is seriously like a bible for the anxious parent, ie: me!

It's needless to say, I LOVE this 'phase'; watching the chick's squirming face as she discovers flavours she's not sure of and smiling face as she is [demanding me to keep] shovelling in heaped spoonfuls of spinach into her grin-blushed face! We have persisted with some 'unsure of' flavours to encourage a wide ranging taste bud, but I'm not gunna torture my kid and subject her to brussels sprouts too persistently - that and it makes our house smell like a burst sewage pipe. We don't need that kind of negativity at 11am. 

So I've said I have been enjoying this bit. But obviously not every bit of it! The cleaning is unreal! Our chosen meal always ends in food chaos leading to a full blown wash. I started co-showering because my back just couldn't take anymore bending over the bath. Once a day is plenty! Plus it's so convenient and quick! Having to cook food fresh is also quite tiresome, and making sure it's a well balanced 'meal' takes its toll. Have I given enough vitamins? Any carbohydrates? Have I fed her too much? Perhaps too little? We are a good couple of months in with solids and I'm now having to think about healthy and nutritionally balanced meals. Amelie will sometimes have a meal twice a day, but it's not quite regular yet, I kind of just go with it! Honestly, that's the best advice I could've given myself: just go with it. She will eat what she wants and how frequently she wants it. She knows best. I mean, within reason. Since discovering cheese triangles, I'm fairly certain that she would eat 3 if she could! But we will stick to a half of one and on a good day, a whole cheese triangle as the salt content is a little higher than I'd like and I've recently (from Ella's book also, I should be an Ella's rep!) learnt that baby's kidneys struggle to process salt at this age still so it's best to avoid!

Below are some funny, and mildly annoying things I've discovered recently:

1. No matter what is on the spoon, it will end up all over a baby's face and hands! Cue the eye rubbing by baby and a frantic search for wet wipes by me!

2. What started out as 'oh she's so cute reaching for the spoon and trying to feed herself' has now turned to 'oh god you've shoved the spoon too far and now you're gagging up the entire mouthful' or 'ffs you have just grabbed the spoon and shovelled the spoonful all over your face because you missed your entire mouth'. So now we just hold hands and shout 'yaaaay' as animated as possible to distracted from said spoon!

3. Babbling is so lovely. Not when each one starts as soon as you put a spoon of yoghurt to your baby's mouth.

4. As above but sub babbling for blowing raspberries.

5. When you've slaved away at a baby recipe and your kid takes one taste and gives you a face like 'what on gods earth is this rubbish, take it away.' That's a real face.

6. Smell - some veg really stinks. So broccoli, sprouts, peas kale. Basically I'm sure anything green.

7. Appearance - whilst berries and colourful veg is exciting and looks the-bomb-.com, when you start blending actual meals lots of it looks the same going in as it will coming out. Best example: lasagne! And maybe porridge. 

8. The nappies. Goodbye yellow with white speckles... Brace yourself for adult like (in every imaginable way) poo. And I'm being 100% serious when I say EVERY time we get in the car, I have a poo to deal with. It's not even exaggeration. (so I'd be grateful if anyone could confirm this is normal or had any advice on this issue!)

That's all I could think of for now. I've lost track of how many bibs I have cleaned, and replaced! I used to just chuck them in the washing machine and wash in a couple of days, but then when it came out mouldy (after being washed) I realised bibs needed instant cleaning and only then could be placed in the washing machine. Oops! The chair in which Amelie eats gets washed more times than my hair in a week, and as for the pots, pans and liquidiser... They're the story of my life, daily basis.

But when you see how much they grow and how they develop from liquid to semi liquid then start taking in chunks and texture, you can't help but feel proud and see how it was all totally worth it! 

Having said that, I can't wait until I can just give her a bog standard sandwich for lunch, and McDonald's for dinner. (I'm kidding about the dinner, it'll be KFC) 

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In love with 'Sudocrem Care and Protect' ointment

Im a mum on the go. I couldn't think of anything worse than being stuck indoors all week with my dribbling mini me (or mini 'her dad' to be honest) and just watch tv or swivel the same rattle at a desperate attempt to converse with my 5 month old! Don't get me wrong, I love that part of being a parent, but it's hardly fulfilling to either of us! We like mini experiences!

So...We took a road trip! I woke up super early (to be fair I wake up no later than 6am every morning thanks to my babbling, snooze-free [mini] human alarm clock! We were headed for a picnic at the park with Amelie's grandparents!

I was ready for a fun filled day; she woke up grumpy. This was a combination of a horrendous nights's sleep and teething! The joys of parenthood meant I'd drawn the inevitable short straw and was about to endure a fairly long car journey with a monster. She fell asleep to be fair and the drive was smooth sailing! Until about half way, when she pooed herself awake! I've lost track of the amount of times I'd spent my driving times bargaining with my 5 month old about which bit of road (usually an A-Road) is safe to pull over at. If she's not in the mood to wait (she never is) I have to pull over on some obscure looking supposed parking bay. So on this particular day, I did just that. Found a safe place and plonked my pooey baby in the boot! I was met with not only the usual, but nappy rash too. Great. I have a couple of go-to creams - one which is so intense it irritates her skin after more than a couple of applications; the other  Sudocrem. I was excited to recently receive a tube of 'Sudocrem Care and Protect' and decided it would be the perfect opportunity to test it out.

Sudocrem Care and Protect is a triple care ointment which can be used at every nappy change - something which is unique to me as I have not yet discovered an ointment that is suitable for frequent use. I'm not saying the rash disappeared after one single use, but it had begun to look less angry and my little one's mood improved not long after applying the ointment no doubt. This was a huge relief as it meant she could enjoy her time with her grandparents who had travelled some distance and don't get a chance to see her often. I felt relieved that I could apply as frequently as I wanted and continued to use it throughout the day. I had no reason to worry about rubbing or chaffing, as the cream itself acts as a barrier not only protecting the rashy area, but locking out the bacteria found in baby's waste. It also ensures that the good stuff like Vitamin E and Pro Vitamin B5 (which help skin stay soft, healthy and moisturized) stays sealed in.

We got home after a great day at the park with the in-laws and I was ready to tackle the bedtime routine. Much to my surprise, there was not the usual thick 'paste-like' residue as one might expect with the original 'pot' of Sudocrem. One of my favourite things about this cream in particular is that it's so light in texture and leaves no trace of anything behind, only a genuinely soft feel to your baby's skin. I even used it to try and soothe minor sunburn and was shocked at the amazing result!

It's no wonder that Sudocrem Care and Protect has won Product of the Year 2015 in the category of 'Best Nappy Cream' and with a very reasonable price of around £3 (having looked across a range of pharmacies and supermarkets) it's a no brainer!

Every mum most certainly needs one of these as part of their baby care essentials, I certainly won't be going without mine for a while.

I've looked across a vast range of shops and currently the best offer stands at Superdrug. You can pick up a tube here

My Cost-Conscious Week: Fun for a Fiver

So I've said before that I will share my motherhood discoveries as I discover them myself. Recently on the life-vine: money. With it being summer and wedding season we are definitely feeling the sting, so I've been scratching my head a little over how best to ensure a wholesome experience for Amelie [albeit she is only 5 months] and myself throughout the week. Then I realised that actually, there are a large number of ways to enjoy the weekdays that don't cost much at all. (Obviously excluding petrol because to me, that's already calculated into the essential monthly budget) 

So I set myself a challenge of entertaining ourselves for the week, for £5.

Day 1 - Soft Play

We have recently discovered soft play. So let me just declare my love for these places. Anywhere between 50p-£1.25 is standard adult entry, and totally free for under 1s! The price is great, but the best part? It's a sensory heaven for babies. They are constantly taking in their surroundings and absorbing new sights, sounds, textures and the like, so it acts as an intense learning platform for them. What appeared to be a large foam Lego piece to me, provided over an hour of entertainment for Amelie and me. Of course we weren't just holding onto a block for an hour, there were colours to look at, other children to socialise with and a great deal of varying sounds to take in. I don't crash and bang around at home, I don't run around and I certainly don't screech. These things are all new for Amelie and are (often scary) but part of her learning, and will do wonders for her social skills! So for 65p it's great! Usually I would get a cup of tea and a cake, but for this week I wanted to actually stick to the £5 rule so opted to take a drink with me and had lunch at home!

Day 2- Picnic in the Park

What better than to ensure mumma and baby both gain something from the venture. I met up with my friend who also happens to have a baby to have a picnic in the sunshine - and shade for Amelie -and we had a great time. I picked up some Sainsburys Basics strawberries (which looked nicer than the slightly more upmarket ones to be fair) and a lovely Apple and Pear juice, and grabbed some crisps from home! £1.80 was the total cost here, and I become aware I had spent nearly half of my weekly budget on the second day but I was determined to achieve my goal! 

Day 3 - Garden Centre

My little cherub absolutely adores fish! I'm sure it's the lights and sounds as well as the colourful nature of fish that she enjoys really, but nevertheless it's always a great success for us. This month we do not have £17.50 for the sea life centre (yes it is that expensive) so I researched garden centres in the local area to see which ones had an aquatic section, so we could have our fishy fun for absolutely free. We saw puffer fish, pond fish and pretty much the entire cast of finding nemo (or Dory, whichever one is most currently 'lost') without spending a penny. I felt a little apprehensive with zero intention of buying fish so I actually asked one of the salesman if it was ok to have a quick look at the fish. He ended up coming around with us for a short while to talk us through some fish! So an all round great experience.

Day 4 - Beach Walk and the Chippy

What's better than the sea front? Amelie and I had a lazy morning with a nice lay in and some garden time, but we both prefer to get out every day, so we waited for Joe to finish work before our day out. We went for a super long walk equipped with bottles, nappies and other baby essentials like a change of clothes in case of a poo explosion and a jumper and million blankets. Just a few of the bare necessities. So a large portion of chips is £1.50 and a jumbo battered sausage is £1.00. Joe and I shared a large chips so I could technically claim it cost me personally 75p, but I won't! The point is, 4 days in and I'm £4.95 down. Not bad at all.

Day 5 - Windmill Walk

I am always fascinated by the windmill I drive past nearly daily. So despite the unappealing distance by foot, I packed a small load of baby bits and set off on what turned out to be just a little longer than a 2 hour walk. It sounds a lot, but in the 'walking-with-a-buggy-mum' world that's no distance at all! I'm seriously debating using Strava for these walks - now that I'm not likely to use it for runs or a bike ride anytime soon! So anyway, my point is, we discovered a beautiful windmill tucked away discreetly in a back road. And we loved it! A completely free day! It would seem silly not to research places like this locally. We are exceptionally fortunate to live in such a history-rich country, it'd be a shame not to take time out to appreciate it! 

My weekly total... £4.95! Mission accomplished. 

This is just a typical week for me, and by no means extensive! I do find it super easy to book into/onto things and before I know it were £50 down and that is hardly cost effective! We do not scrimp at the weekends either (but probably could) so these are just a few ideas to save a few pennies because who doesn't like saving 'some P' [I recently heard of this expression from my girl Tania - she keeps me up to date with the lingo] so below are a list of affordable or free activities I came up with!

• Play dates 
• Swimming - check your local swimming pool as often there are baby sessions. Our local area offer £2 for 2 adults and 2 children!
• Pet shop
• Local farms 
• Duck feeding 
• Long, adventurous walks
• Book shops - often offer free drawing stations for older children 
• Libraries - story times 

I'd love to hear any I might've missed! Hope this helps anyone at a loose end!

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Dads! I'm Learning to Empathise, not Critisize

Guess who I am? I've been to work all day, I've had endless meetings where I've spent a large chunk of it not really there. I mean, I am of course, physically there - but my mind wanders a lot lately. I have a brand new baby. I often wonder what she's up to, or whether she's mastered the particular skill she's been working on. My phone flashes. I'm excited at the thought of opening it up to find a picture of my little beauty queen. Instead it's my wife.

"Thanks for leaving the kitchen messy again ffs. I tidy all day and you mess it up every time you do anything. You literally have no respect for how hard it is to keep it clean. Thanks for appreciating my effort, I'm done cleaning up after you."

I want to explain myself and say that although I had promised to help with tidying up, it was half an hour before Amelie's bedtime, and I chose to play with her. Then I just somehow forgot. I have so much to keep in mind all day and for that I'm sorry but I also want to see my little girl. I know you tidy whilst looking after her all day, but that's just it. You see her ALL DAY, and I get half an hour or maybe an hour if she can manage staying awake. So I chose her.

Instead I just opt to say a simple 'sorry', because I really am. But I don't want to try and justify it because it's not really justifyable. My wife keeps a tidy house alongside the hard work of a baby, I should've done it later. That, and trying to make excuses would make it even worse. So I reply a simple reply and hope she's calmed down by the time I come home.

She hasn't. I'm met with an extremely stressed out woman who's indulged in one-too-many unsavoury nappies, so I'm immediately handed a child. If I'm lucky, there's not a poo explosion. Usually there is. She's even phoned me in the car on my way home before (on several occasions) to ask how long I'll be to see if a pooey nappy could somehow be 'saved' for me. Luckily, it never has. Yet.

She needs a break, I get that. But so do I. Both of us learnt quickly that it's not a competition; we are both tired. At the end of the day, she's exhausted and overwhelmed by baby related tasks, and I have an ever-exploding head full of business matters, baby bits and how I've been a shit let down, (according to the expression on her face) again. I haven't even had a second to catch up with my friends, so I spend an hour or so on my phone trying to catch up with the world, usually on the sofa after dinner. But this is a definite cause for bollocking. So I take it. Because she's stressed.

Guess what I am yet? A stressed out Dad, and person too.

                         *

 So my husband would never actually write a blog post and display it on social media; for starters, he doesn't say anything. but he doesn't have to. His expression says it all. It's no secret that a baby and relationship is extremely difficult to manage. Joe and I are no exception. But recently after a serious and very long chat, we both discovered that we are actually feeling EXACTLY the same - just he felt as though he didn't have as much right to say he's stressed out because I spend 90% of my time with Amelie. So this gave me a chance to (for the first time) EMPATHISE with him. Here he is, emotionally rock solid and always working to improve our situation in every way, yet all I could see were the surface behaviours which were not only annoying but completely frustrating me. Then I put myself in his shoes and kinda understood. I'm not sure how many dads feel like this, and I'm fairly certain they don't scower the Internet for mummy blogs.. The closest thing to 'mums' men look at would be on a TOTALLY different kind of website! But I just wanted to raise awareness of the other side of the coin as it were, because it was a real lightbulb moment for me!



I'm currently in the process of phasing out my blog posts from being linked to my personal Facebook account with a view for me to solely use my new Facebook page dedicated to this blog in a couple of months. If you would like to continue with me on my journey of motherhood, please head over to my page here and give it a like to continue receiving post updates.  Alternatively, you can search 'Mumming Madness'

Surviving the Initial Storm of Motherhood.

I'm obviously the tree.

I made it! I've been brushing my hair and (more importantly) my teeth daily, I can finally tell the difference between my legs and Joe's after a serious shaving act I can only compare to deforestation and I've been sleeping! So, contrary to my earlier thought of 'what the f have I got myself into' or 'this baby will never stfu' I now love being a mum. Well at least I did until the end of month 4. And now we're into the 5th month, not so much. But have I learnt anything from the storm that battered my life during the first 12 weeks? Of course. I've learnt that it's just a phase. Seriously. This is my mantra, and in the toughest times it has gotten me through. I can forever keep wallowing in the fact that I've lost babies and bla bla, miracle baby and all that. That's not enough when she's screaming for the fourth time between 11pm and 3am. It certainly isn't enough when she's thrown up on my face coughed her baby sick in my mouth, and I can't say I'm a great fan of middle-of-the-night baths scouring a shit explosion off of an entire child whilst half asleep. (Me being half asleep, not her.) It's never them being tired to the point of exhaustion. On my 'one particular twilight bath session' Amelie thought it was hilarious and not only smiled ear to ear whilst cooing, she proceeded to create a tsunami and flood the [carpeted] landing! The kid's been a storm since day one, so I'd expect no different.

So aside from my super useful phase mantra, how have a come out being a wiser mum? No how. Haha. I mean I have gained something that's for sure; I haven't continuously called it the steepest learning curve of my life for no reason. I've learnt to be resilient and not give in, or doubt myself. But I've also gained a fair few physical skills. I now can balance a bottle (whilst feeding) with my cheek/chin. I have certainly gained biceps?triceps? No idea of which muscle is which one but my arms are hench to say the least. I didn't necessarily want muscular arms, but I guess that's the result of having a child that won't tolerate being put down for like 15 weeks. It's ok, she's been considerate enough to allow me to exercise my legs too, because by the end of the month 4, we are at the stage of not only not being able to be put down, I can't even sit down with her when it's sleeping time. It's now a case of chart music (weird baby, not a fan of lullabies) and rocking out [walking a weird bouncy walk] around the living room. Sometimes it can take 5 minutes, other times 25! So with around 4 naps and a 'night night' sleep that's potential for 'maths I can't do' amount of minutes - probably hours of exercise! So I'm toning up. I must add that it's this month I started feeling an improvement 'down there' so maybe exercise really does stimulate the healing process. Most people would laugh if they found out a 5lb 12 baby (that's tiny I've come to learn) obliterated my va-jay with her arrival!

I've also acquired some insane driving skills. I can now mostly drive one handed. I learnt this skill one occasion when I had encountered the silliest amount of traffic upon all routes which made my 20 minute journey last a couple of minutes shy of 3 hours and Amelie was (quite understandably) roaring for milk. So I fed her, and drove. I surprised myself.

I learnt that Joe loves me unconditionally. Despite having the d-word thrown around nearly daily at one point, he still continued to kiss me good morning and good night, make me dinner, take over Amelie when I asked and generally do everything I asked - and put up with my consolation shopping habit! The arguments like over the silliest things have been multiple daily ones, but he still carries on and tells me he understands how hard it can be. So yeah despite it recently feeling rocky, I've learnt my marriage is actually rock-solid. (I hope I don't end up getting divorced next month because I've jinxed myself now).

I have most definitely gained a hatred and lyrical awareness of most of the programs on 'BabyTv' I know where the fuck 'grandpa hides', I am pretty certain I can identify who each animal house 'belongs to' and my god I'm shit hot on my numbers 1-10. Amelie and I are counting machines! But the most important thing I've learnt from baby tv is that I can leave Amelie in front of it for about 10-15 minutes, in her bouncer or on her playmat and get on with being me! I can have a break and for that, BabyTv and Sky, channel 623, I adore you. I'll count all day from 1-10 with Charlie and his number friends if I am guaranteed 15 minutes every couple of hours. I'm lying, it's more like 15 minutes every hour until midday. By then, I've tidied up and sorted my life out and we venture out.

So they're the gains of month 4 which has been my favourite and easiest part of being a mum. Now we've reached the end of month 4 and start of month 5, what have I lost ? Sleep! The 4 month sleep regression is a joke! Although for us it hit near the end of 4 months! We went from sleeping 7-10 hours per night to like 3 before waking up. She didn't settle after night feeds and cooed or groaned for hours. She'd be up every hour for the first week of sleep regression, and I was averaging 1.5-3 hours sleep total per night. For about 2 weeks. So when my eyes burnt, I told myself it's just a phase. In fairness, as much as I hate it, it's super reassuring to know that she's doing what is expected developmentally and is on track. In terms of losses, I've also realised that I've lost my fungus-like attachment (baby) and she will now tolerate being put down for a nap occasionally. I find myself holding her through her naps just because I want to. (What the hell is wrong with me) I want her to grow, but I don't at the same time. It's odd. Motherhood itself is odd.

So I started this post by saying I made it and how great the lull between the first twelve weeks and 5 months was. Now, I'm currently in the eye of the storm yet again (although still keeping up with brushing my teeth and occasionally shaving too) but I've learnt just to stay calm because it'll pass. I'm not ever gunna be holding onto an 18 year old, rocking them to sleep, am I? Although I do fear my sleep will be disturbed at that age by drunken phone calls requesting lifts backs - ah! Maybe there'll be 'a phase' forever?

I'm currently in the process of phasing out my blog posts from being linked to my personal Facebook account with a view for me to solely use my new Facebook page dedicated to this blog in a couple of months. If you would like to continue with me on my journey of motherhood, please head over to my page here and give it a like to continue receiving post updates.  Alternatively, you can search 'Mumming Madness'

Thanks 😚😁

I'm sorry I wasn't the first to hold you: a section of a letter to my baby girl

My dearest baby Amelie,
Thank you. You made me something I honestly never thought I'd become. A mother. Already in the few weeks we've known each other you've taught me more than I ever thought possible. You need me. From your day one to my forever, I'll be there to wipe your tears, ease your fears and make your life the best it can be. I'll teach you, but never lecture you; I'll guide you but never push you; I'll work harder than you'll ever know to make sure your world is the most beautiful place to be. And when it isn't, I'll be right there to help you figure out all the trials and tribulations that life may throw at us.

First I must apologise. I'm sorry that I didn't hold you the second you came into the world. I was scared. I'd convinced myself that something would go wrong, as it had so many times before, and just wanted to hear you cry, and to know that you were ok. I couldn't get this far, only to watch you give up on life in my arms, after 9 months in my belly. 9 long months, of which I had spent every waking second with you at the forefront of all I do. I just needed to hear the doctor say you're ok. So I declined when they offered to put you on my chest straight away. Because you hadn't made a peep. I needed to hear you're ok. You were taken to the other side of the room for the doctor to do his checks, but still you made no sound. The doctors seemed in no rush and your Daddy was right next to you the whole time. It felt like all time had stopped and for those thirty seconds, I was frozen. I can't even remember what the surgeons were doing, I had received several injections without even realising until the nurse told me. Then I heard you cry. It was like someone had hit a resume button and the background noise returned. You were ok. And the paediatrician said so. And when I finally held you, I felt the most amazing connection I had ever felt. You became my best friend in that split second.

Your little life is hardly a few weeks old; we've started calling them months now, but I'm already full of fear, worry and guilt over how I've taken to the new job you've blessed me with.

I fear for your safety constantly. I worry that I'm not doing it all as well as I could. I feel guilty if you cry, that I haven't got there quick enough.

Being your mum is the scariest and hardest, but no doubt the best feeling in the world. You will never understand how and why I love you so, but let me offer you a piece of the very start of our journey, my true, miracle baby.

You were our 8th try - and by this time I'd come close to giving up hope. I'd given up on the excitement of a new baby, so for that I'm sorry. I wasn't excited when I discovered your existence, nor did I have much emotion when we first saw you on the screen with a beating heart. The truth is, I was petrified. Something felt different this time - I was convinced it was that I had become totally numb to losing babies and had no emotion left to give. Even though we were offered a chance to see you again, much sooner than we otherwise would have (just two weeks later) I felt next to nothing but an all-consuming fear. A time in the past, we had seen a heartbeat and then were told it had stopped, so I was certain you would have given up by the time the next scan came around too. You hadn't. There on the screen, through blurry eyes, I saw the little flicker of your super strong heart and I felt so connected. From that moment on I began to believe, but still remained sceptical until the gender scan at 20 weeks. When we found out you were a little girl, it became more real. I was beyond excited and by this point absolutely full of happiness, excitement you name it. But I could not let go of fear. I carry this fear of losing you to this day and face a constant daily battle where I reassure myself that actually everything will be just fine. It just has to be.

Every food consumed, activity undertaken had you at the forefront. I consumed an unbelievable amount of protein to ensure I had enough for 'growth and repair' to two bodies. I kept up with carbohydrates so as to ensure I had enough energy - and cakes! I'd happily demolish an entire cheesecake - with the exception of a tiny slice for your dad and felt no shame! Then showers - never too hot as I had read somewhere that it decreases oxygen intake by 50%! No exercise that involved more than walking, PLENTY of rest - I slept any second I had including in between teaching lessons sometimes in my car! It was crazy - almost like an illness mirroring OCD. Only I was actually fighting an 'illness' my body was incapable of carrying a baby up until this point and I had made it my task to fight that. And it did mess with my mind. I know it now as well as I knew it then - so luckily I wasn't actually crazy because I was super aware that over the top was not cutting it. My behaviour was more like a regimented out of this galaxy compared to 'over the top'.

So when I had come to the end of this 9 month battle, there you were held out in front of me - a tiny parcel of perfection, I just needed to know you were ok. I couldn't face holding you, feeling your warmth only to have it ripped away from me. In my mind, until the doctor gave you the all clear, you could've given up just like the other seven babies had, leaving me with no explanation and an unbearable amount of pain. Sure enough, you and I both got the the all clear and when I finally held your tiny little body close to mine, I felt complete. I breathed in your smell which was new but weirdly familiar, kissed your head and just held you, in total shock but wrapped in happiness. A lot of things have not gone my way in life, but for once, I had won. And my beautiful prize was this deep and unconditional ever-ripening love. I really do love you more each day and find a different reason to love you with each one.

We took you home. And began our very own little happily ever after.

My best friend is a 4 month old

My best friend is a 4 month old

Babies are geniuses in my eyes. They're master manipulators and never use a single word. She's never spoken a word to me, yet we talk. We communicate all day, just not the conventional way. We squeak, grunt and gurgle to each other; observing and mimicking certain sounds at certain times. Then they start to have meaning. Yes - my 4 month old has taught me a whole system of communication. Geniuses, these babies. Ever heard of the saying 'it's not what you said its how you said it'? That exactly what I spend my days doing. Amelie makes a noise and I observe the particular sound for tone, pitch and sharpness to decipher its meaning. She might only say 'gah' but believe me, there are a whole host of ways she can utter this! She's a little human, very much dependent on someone for all areas of her life- I mean she still can't even hold on to a teething ring for longer than a minute and the girl needs to soothe the horrible pain of teeth piercing her gums! For her, 'gah' is the only 'word' she can use to get her through the day. With a tired mummy it can be hard for her. So for her, sound is everything! I don't for a second wish to try and replicate her sounds (hard in writing and exceptionally boring to read) but just take our own adult language as an example. One of the sounds we use in a similar way is 'ha'. 

You can express humour:

 'that looks funny like that, ha!'

We can use it to hide embarrassment: 

'not gunna make it as I've just failed my driving test and can't drive, ha!

Can use it to be aggressive:

'I win and you lose, so HA!'

And so on..

So this is the newest discovery on my motherhood journey! I'm constantly listening, analysing coming to conclusions and devising solutions for the many things that surround Amelie! 

Her little personality shines through already - if I spend a little longer than she is happy with washing her bottles or preparing her, her FRESHLY cooked-to-baby-perfection 'meal' she outright shouts at me as if to say hurry up! 

I make fun of the repetitive nature of baby programs by exaggerating and mocking the characters' sayings, and she finds it hilarious. So, in the numbers song with Charlie and the numbers, as soon as I've uttered 'one' she is all smiles and singing shouting along all the way through to number 10 - at which stage the characters declare that it's time to 'do it all again' fml! So my little munchkin is already gah-ing and squeaking [and dribbling] whilst kicking her legs frantically ready for a repeat of the numbers song! She knows what is good in life and for us it doesn't get much better than singing the numbers 1-10! TWICE! 

My favourite part of her personality is that everything is funny. As long as I ask her, she agrees with a huge grin. Well, within reason, I mean if she's screaming in agony with a huge tooth on its way up I doubt she would respond quite so positively if at all to her stupid mum asking 'is it funny?' For the millionth time, but aside from obvious unfunny scenarios, everything is funny according to Amelie. Recently a passerby crawler kid donked her on the head with a block of wood (OK it was a wooden train) and she cried, but after 10 seconds or so of my high pitched reassurance, coupled with 'is that funny' (seriously may as well be my slogan) she confirmed that yea, it was funny - because she was grinning from ear to ear. Phew! Hopefully she grows up to be a comedian being that she seems to always see the funny side! 

Now, as with any friendship it doesn't always go smoothly for us ! Sometimes she's a pain in the backside, no - she's a serious fricking nightmare. Food, for example is a great situation. Bottles for one, I KNOW she is no longer hungry after having an entire 'big bottle' but she insists - she ditches 'gah' for this part and just screams - so I make another bloody bottle that I know will be going straight down the drain or on a good day maybe in the fridge. She takes one sip of her fresh second bottle and either chokes slightly on it because she doesn't want it, or coughs the entire mouthful of milk in my face with repeated sprays. Thanks. So these things do little less than please me and we 'fall out'. This results in me thinking 'fuck you, I knew I was right' (emphasis on THINKING I would never actually SAY that to her) and I stop sacrificing myself to her for a few moments and treat myself to a wee. Or a drink of water. Then we are friends again, so it's safe to say our disputes are short lived. These little creatures as annoying and turbulent as they can be, are the most amazing little things so they're pretty easy to forgive. 

I'm thankful for our laughs everyday and although I AM pretty relieved to put her to bed recently, mainly because of teething and me surviving on 1.5-3 hours sleep per night, most nights I genuinely think I'm gunna miss you for the next few hours, because she really does make time so special. 

For the first time in life I'm living in the now. They teach us from such a young age to live for the future - do good in school so you can get a good job, get a good job so you can buy a nice house... And the like. But for now, I'm thoroughly  enjoying the PRESENT!

You Look Like a Mum

Hair up in a zero-effort bun? Check. Spot explosion because you don't have time to sleep let alone do your 'skin routine'? Yes. Outfit that has a comfort level of a million but appeal level of minus one trilli-bazillion? Absolutely. I've said before it's liberating to feel good about yourself while simultaneously looking (and feeling to be fair) like you've just done the cha cha cha with a level 5 hurricane, but by the time it's starting to calm down as your baby matures, the excuses are harder to formulate.

So I may be getting my head round the baby stuff - ish - but I'm kind of equally becoming ok with looking rough. NOT COOL, VIV! This dawned on me when Joe commented on my appearance:

"You look like a real Mum today"

 Ah, great. I've cracked it was my immediate thought. But the expression on joes face resembled a tomato which was in the final stages of the sun-drying process. So it didn't take me long to figure out that this was not in any way a complimentary statement, more like a disgusted observation. Oops. In truth it shocked me more than I expected  because I had replaced my usual nest-looking bun for a side plait and I'd even put on make-up for the day! Admittedly not any eyeliner because by the time I had come to my eyes, Amelie had had enough of 'Maya and Yaya' the dialogue-free characters, and I quickly just put some mascara on. But still, quizzical (even though I knew he meant it in the most negative way possible) I opted to seek clarification of my lovely husband's observation.

"What do you mean?" I giggled but this was no laughing matter. My 'roughness' was becoming too noticeable now!

"Well that's just a really mum top, you're covered in milk and stuff."

Thanks Joe.

 It was actually the first time this week I had decided to wear one of my own tops and not his, but obviously being covered in milk ruined this effort on my part and completely counteracted my intention of making an effort.

So my question is this. What now? Should I be wasting loads of effort and time getting glam everyday when sometimes I don't even see anyone but the postman. (And if we're a little skint and I've curbed my online shopping habit, not even the postman for me) or walk around the supermarket in heels, probably teaching Amelie bad habits by the time I've sworn my head off at the agony and discomfort of pushing a trolley with completely ridiculous footwear? What do mums do aside from play with babies and go to baby groups? I recently went swimming wearing my 'public face' which is just a full face made up and then melted quicker than a snowman in the desert from the extreme heat of the summer house which housed the pool, only to resort to grabbing a baby wipe and getting rid of about 35 minutes worth of 'effort'. I'm a bit of a fan of lipstick but I'm also a fan of kissing my baby a million times per day so the two can't really coexist, and if I have to choose... sayonara lipstick, of course.

I long for the day where you look like a mum because you're covered in milk is something that makes me smile and not feel instantly awful about myself. Because sometimes I'm not the mum covered in milk. Sometimes, and more often than not I'm covered in way worse. So milk, it's a blessing.

A mum covered in milk is a mum that's been rushing around tidying up in the 10-15 minutes that the baby will tolerate being left to amuse herself. She tidies up so her husband comes home to a clean house, and so he doesn't have to help. She may have grasped a few of these window of opportunities where the baby doesn't require immediate stimulation and consequently she may have nearly finished tidying all of the house, but then notices the baby only has one clean bottle left and she's got no idea when she'll next get a spare second, so (even though the baby is clearly ratty by now) she opts to quickly wash and sterilise bottles as well. The mum has pushed her luck for time. Taken the biscuit so much that by the time the bottles are in the steriliser, the little one is screaming for a cuddle or a feed (if I'm lucky) but usually there's a massive shit in her nappy. So Mummy quickly makes up another bottle (probably the 5th one since waking, and it's only just past noon) and accidentally tipples of bit of milk powder down herself.  So a messy mum might not be the most attractive look but it is one desperately trying to stay in control - all so that the first thing she says when her husband walks in after a long day at work isn't "she's gunna be hungry,can you quickly hold the baby or wash the bottles?" but instead says "Hello, did you have a nice day?"

I may look like a Mum, but I think that that's just fine. For now.

What Makes an 'Exciting' Day for the New Mum?

These days I'm pretty content with sitting at home in my (or Joe's) oversized tshirts and a pair of shorts. A messy - and I mean resembling homeless-looking bun is my signature look, although this is mainly for comfort reasons due to post-pregnancy hair moulting. Comfort... The biggest factor in my life currently. It's a bitter sweet feeling as admittedly it is pretty liberating looking like shit but feeling great about yourself, but then I do really look awful 9/10 times. Pregnancy taught me that! Having said that, there are moments when it hits me and I quickly slap on half a pound of make up and, well, I 'neaten up' my messy bun because no amount of glam is worth constantly picking your moulting mane out of a baby's hands for fear they'll eat a hairbrush worth in less than 60 seconds! (It really is that bad) so I stick to my bun and love its practicality! Funniest time so far: Tania coming over, and before saying hi, saying "oh my god, are you okay? It hit me then that my 'au naturelle' appearance made me look ill/upset/unwell. Oops. #mumlife, I guess.

So when I realised just how excited by a day or two per week of making effort I was, it suddenly dawned on me just how much my life has changed! What other mundane scenarios in life do I enjoy now that my choices are limited (for now anyway) ?

Food shopping - but the ones where I go alone, not constantly talking to my child who has no idea whether we 'should get broccoli or bananas first'. Nevertheless, I persist in discussing our weekly food plans and shopping strategy with her in a desperate attempt to 'entertain' her - or avoid a scream-feast! So, on my own, food shopping is great. I can browse books, choose a bottle of wine based on flavours not just what might be on offer, I can actually think about what I need to buy and come home not thinking 'for fucks sake I've forgotten a load of stuff yet again!' These menial tasks genuinely used to feel like a chore, but for some reason they're a huge part of my relaxation time now! My usual hobbies are just not great fun. I recently went running, instead of worrying about my pace as I usually do, I found myself worrying about Amelie's head bopping around and her comfort levels, or 'annoying bumps' in the road, or what would happen if I burst a tyre on the buggy. None of that is enjoyable!

Yet another thing the childless version of me used to enjoy were long sunny days out. Be it drinking a few on the beach or in a pub garden, or going for super long bike rides or walks - I loved being outdoors in the sunshine. Nowadays, I'm found grumbling at the sun and consider clouds my best friends, all because the sun is not advisable with young babies. That, and she won't keep her sun hat on for peanuts!

I'm not sure if my new found love of having a day at home stems from post-baby thinking or the fact we now have our own house, but I have zero problems with staying indoors and having no plans! If we fancy lazing under a blankie all morning then why the hell cant we? If we just go for a chill in the garden and not a walk, who cares? I'm so fortunate to be able to spend all day everyday of the week with my daughter that we have all the time to make plans, sometimes it's fun just pulling silly faces or making bizarre noises at each other. Before I know it, we've spent the best hour  or two laughing at each other and thoroughly enjoying every second.

Deliveries are another thing. These tedious time-wasters were to my pre-mum self a serious burden! It was always the same, I'd order something, sack off the idea of sitting at home all day waiting for a possible delivery between 9-6 (seriously who has that much free time, might as well go to a shop and buy it in the first place) and so id miss the delivery and have to go to the holding office anyway. Nowadays, I might even hope I miss a delivery so I'd have something I needed to do. However, parcels now provide me an opportunity to engage in adult conversation, with the post man - who I've got to know and is a pretty quirky kind of nice guy!

I guess it goes hand-in-hand then that I love eBay. My eBay addiction started when I discovered that 28 baby vests could be purchased for £1.50! I thought I was in for a bidding war and found myself the [very proud] high bidder of so many items for a gob smacking low price. Bidding is great fun but so is selling. eBay, thank you.

Sometimes when I have a spare second, I stop and think about these rubbish things I now find fun and I wonder why. Then I wonder how long it'll take for these considerably crappy things to become dull again. Oh, motherhood...